Jan 11 2022

 Feeling really sad at the moment,  but as I open my IG account,  this is the first thing I saw

My kind of 2021

 I’ve been wanting to write this since the first Day of 2022, but every time I open this page, I can’t find the appropriate words or introduction. It seems that the words just jumbled in my head and can’t put them in writings. But now, I’m trying. It’s 7:13 AM, doing this in my personal space. I just want to assess how my 2021 went by.

It was a year that 90 percent of I invested my thoughts on are in my JOB. So this I’m going to express is all about my JOB. I was hired in a Government position last February 2021. I couldn’t be happier the moment I got the news. Finally, I’ll be working in my hometown after being away for several years. After resigning from my previous job, I prayed hard for a job I could find happiness with, fulfillment, and something I am good at, somewhere I deserve and I could be proud of myself. No matter how long, I’ll be patiently waiting for that kind of Job. And then, I got a job. Alhamdullillah, truly I am grateful. Surely hundreds wanted to be in my position, but I was the blessed one.

But, as I started my days at my new job, I’ve faced too many challenges. I thought it would be easy. I never expected that I’ll be the chief of the Engineering Section on an agency too far from the experience I had. From high-rise buildings, corporate world, high end working environment, private quadruple A construction company to Government office dealing with Agriculture, Fisheries and Agrarian Reform.  I may be well trained in my previous job, but how will apply that to an environment and stakeholders not related to what I used to? I didn’t know what to do, I was clueless, no one even oriented me to what exactly should I be doing. It’s as if they put me on the spot where I should figure out how I’m going to operate things. I tried my best to work things out, I had sleepless nights just learning, I felt like I went to a battle equipped with the wrong armors and gears. All I got is that strong will to prove myself but I didn’t have enough time to learn the things I needed to know, I’m starting from scratch, I don’t have sufficient people to support me. So everything now got delayed,  and I heard the most painful remark from our top management, that our section seems to be not functioning. I was so embarrassed, that every time I remember that, my heart still breaking. God knows I tried my best to do what should be done with the limited time and manpower I got, but it wasn’t recognized, instead, we were told that we are not functional in front of the other section heads. My confidence turned to anxiety, I doubted myself, I felt ashamed, I felt that I was in the wrong position. Though no one’s telling me that I don’t deserve to be where I am, it seems that everyone looks at me that way.

Now I’m writing not because I needed to pour down my sentiments, well, maybe it's helping a bit to lighten up my heavy heart. I’m not completely a loser here. I wasn’t raised to be tolerating my weakness. I know I’m not a strong person either, I wish I am that someone who just shrug away her life’s glitches, but I’m not. I’m still that sensitive, overthinker, indecisive nobody’s girl but I acknowledge the good side of every bad day. So I’m not here to watch myself drown in negative vibes. I’m also writing now to recognize the good things in my 2021. This job I got, may have caused me worrisome days, it almost consumed my sanity but every time I’m reminded that I prayed for a job I deserve, then I am enlightened. I am exactly where I ‘am supposed to be. Not only because this job is providing me income to afford the things I needed, I find that kind of fulfillment knowing that I’m able to contribute to the welfare of Farmers and Fisherfolks. Maybe I can’t give my full support at the moment coz I’m still learning the process and only maximizing the resources we got. It’s a relief knowing that I’m someone not corrupt to be in this position, maybe that’s already a contribution in a Public Office, at least I’ve saved that position that might have been run by someone unethical and not observing integrity. One thing, I also appreciate in my current agency is that we are observing moral governance, so at least I’m only worrying about the technicalities of my job description now and not of unprincipled governance. I may not have the appropriate number and best staff at the moment but still, the working environment is manageable. The Minister may not appreciate or see my efforts at the time being and there are very few who understand how we are going through but I have a Director who saves us from time to time, I truly appreciate his assistance. And most importantly, the job I got now is where my HOME is, and I’m slowly getting closer to the Almighty.