Tell me not to hate myself coz I really do hate myself at the moment.. I'm battling with telling myself it's okay.. It's gonna be okay..... But I'm feeling really stupid.... Have you ever felt that? When you know exactly what to do, what to say.. But because I'm so weak, I just kept my mouth shut... Despite hearing myself... "go, do it!! " but I remain silent ... Now I'm putting all the blame in me... I cant blame anyone but myself... I knew this would happen the moment I didn't say a thing..
I really loved this prayer.. "Almighty, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference"...... But i felt like I'm forsaken... Because i knew the difference, I knew what to do, I knew what to change.... But I didn't have the courage to do the action. Now tell me why??
I asked and prayed for a job I will deserve... Somewhere I can be happy and fullfilled... Then I got this... But I don't feel like I deserved this.. I feel ashamed. It seems that I betrayed myself, I betrayed those who hired me.. I betrayed my subordinates.. Surely they hated me... I want to quit.. But I just cant... I want to fight but I'm such a loser... I know i shouldn't be donwgrading myself... But I really do hate myself now.. Everybody seems to hate me.
I'm sorry i'm writing this.. Nobody wants to listen to a loser so I just read it instead...
I'm only writing this to lift my heavy heart.. This is just another trial. After I pour this down, I'll be okay.. Someday I'll understand why this had to happen. InshaAllah
Update: I felt better now. Few days after I wrote this, I was able to express myself, Alhamdulillah.
