There are so many good words out there, so many good thoughts, advice, and quotes. But there are still times you wake up with a heavy heart. And I'm afraid, it's one of those days.
I'm realizing I'm getting too old but not growing up. It's like I'm missing most of life's what they call "normal" at this point in time. Suddenly, I felt scared I'm losing time to pay back the people I loved the most, I mean, at least make them happy. .. Or them, happy for me for who and where I became.
I'm being stressed out lately with my current job that it has almost consumed my sanity. I want to be better at it, but I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. That feeling of exhaustion but unproductive, it's making me anxious. I'm very much concerned about people must get what they deserve, but there's a part of me here that tells me I don't deserve it. In my current job, I don't really aim to be the best employee; I just want to be useful and productive. I don't want to be tagged incompetent. But things aren't easy because I don't know who my mentor will be, no one is instructing me on this and that. I arrived at this job not even trained, briefed, and oriented. And yet, they are expecting a result from me? I may be the Chief in my section, but I still need some directions. I have never been in this kind of job. Why am I complaining here anyway? LOL
This is also one of those mornings my heart feels empty. I've already accepted my fate that I don't need other people to be part of my life (if that's what's meant for me). But maybe it's already part of being human to feel empty sometimes, hoping someone could understand why I feel this way.
I know what I was saying is something I need to fight. And I am, my first step is to pour them out by writing about it. That's why I'm here. I don't feel this way every day, but when I do, I write about it. I don't have someone with whom I could talk about this. I don't want to bother anyone anyway. I know I'll be fine. Every day is not a good day, especially recently that I am learning new things, things that I have never had experienced. And that's why I'm having hard days... I'm just pressured. Inshallah, everything will be okay. I must be patient. It's tiring, the questions and doubts about my new workmates are killing my confidence but I'll try to beat it.
I know some say I must not acknowledge negative thoughts. I'm trying not to, but I think acknowledging what burdens us is the first step to overcoming it.
I'll be okay. I may be in a tough situation right now, but someday I will be just fine. I must stop doubting myself for being in this position, I prayed for this, surely the Almighty has plans for me why I here.
