hello 2023

 staring blankly for how many minutes because I don't know what to write..... but I'm obliging myself to write for my first entry blog for 2023

10.21.22

 Just done with our Supervisory Development Course (Track II)... And it was nice learning and having so much realization. 

Anyway, I think it's almost been a year since the Head of our Agency told me that it seems that our Division is not functional. Still, it cuts so deep. In my entire working life, that's the most painful words I've ever heard... And honestly, it still makes me cry every time I remember. Is it valid or am I overreacting? It was mentioned in front of the other supervisors during our meeting, I was so hurt that I couldn't defend myself and I was so ashamed coz no matter how I tried to hide my tears on that very spot, they went out obviously... Everyone saw me crying... And I even burst out when I reached the office in front of my subordinates... I felt so ashamed... Now, that's the most embarrassing experience that I felt my self-esteem stumbled down. 

I'm not mad at the one who told me that... Because he's the Head of the Agency, he doesn't know what my team was going through so it seems that we are not functional... No one defended me. I felt helpless.  

Of course, the Head of the Agency only sees the outcome and not the process. He's right it seems that we are not functional during that time. But what hurts me is I was not able to defend myself. The process to attain what should be achieved wasn't easy, I have limited manpower & resources, I was new, so many things to be done... And God knows how I tried my very best to be efficient and effective. Every day was so stressful... And no one knows that! 

Now, I'm still trying. I'm still hurting. And I have no one to express how I feel right now. 

I'm okay anyway, Alhamdulillah. 

letter to someone

 This shall serve as an informal written evaluation of your performance.

Before anything else, I want you to know that I appreciate all your efforts, it may not be the best that you could offer but at least nakacontribute naman sa team. None of us are perfect, and I'm not a good leader as well, that's why I'm extending so much of my patience pag may mga pagkakamali kayo, kase hindi din naman ako perfect. I'm someone who always look at a person's good side, hindi ako nagfofocus sa mga pagkakamali lang, kinoconsider ko kase maybe someone is just going through a bad day. 

But today, nasagad na and pasensya ko. You've been intolerably misbehaving, to the extent that I felt offended. 

As I've said, I don't just focus on the "not-so-good side" of a person, but maybe this time I need to write down one by one what makes me feel disappointed, not to make you feel bad, but for you to realize if you still feeling suitable in our team or find another room that you'd be productive.

First, the designs and program of work that you are working with has lots of repetitive errors. Mistakes are okay, that's why I've patiently corrected them to the best of my knowledge. Pero sana nagfofocus ka, kase paulit ulit yung instruction ko pero parang di mo ako maintindihan . Or maybe, you are really not open to my corrections, kaya paulit ulit na lang tayo. Papers, inks, our times are being wasted. Yung SPIS, ang tagal bago natin naisubmit ulit, sinalo ko na yung DUPA, kase baka wala na tayong maipasa pa.

Second. You must learn how to be organized. It seems that part of your daily task is to find missing documents. Kung saan saan mo iniiwan mga importanteng documents. I'm telling you many times to secure a copy of the files you are transmitting , pero lagi kang hindi nagphophotocy. Hirap tuloy tayong alamin ano mga files na pinapasa natin kase wala tayong copy. I know you are busy kaya siguro di mo nagagawa, pero mas mahirap at nakakaubos kase ng oras yung Maghanap at magtrace ng documents. 

Third. We are Government workers, dapat alam natin ano ang mga dapat at di dapat natin irelay sa mga Contractors. The Ministry is struggling to implement moral governance, kaya dapat ganon din tayo. Partners natin yung mga contractors but we should know the limits and restrictions. Yung inspection natin dapat alam natin ang tolerance ng mga punchlist, kung ano ang acceptable at kelangan irectify.

Fourth. I can't blame you for having sidelines kase di naman masustain ng salary nyo pang araw araw nyo, pero sana ilagay sa lugar, wag yung hayagan na nagtatransact kayo sa office, you must know your priorities.

Fifth. Insubordination. I have instructions that you don't follow. Remember today, I signed your DTR despite nashort cut mo name ko, sabi ko okay lang, next time buoin mo na lang, I told you that nicely and pinirmahan ko naman but then you printed another DTR, may mali pa rin sa spelling ng pangalan ko and yet pinirmihan ko pa rin, sabi ko okay na yan icorrect mo na lang next time... ano ginawa mo? you crumpled it in front of me? how impolite naman! sinabi ko na ngang okay na yun! and for the third time, nagpasign ka pa rin, with my name still misspelled, but still, I signed it. 

Sixth. Negligence. We had projects that are not properly monitored. You missed informing the contractor for the Seaweeds Buying Station in Parang to change the color, kaya hindi naicorrect yung painting. The windows in Crop Pest didn't match the perspective and also the roof, iba yung color. The Research Center, despite your frequent site visits, you didn't notice the electrical post, kaya hindi natin naaksyunan kaagad. Those lapses, you were supposed to know first kase ikaw yung Engineer na in charge. 

Seventh. Impolite. When I'm correcting you, you have these gestures na offending. Na parang ayaw mong kinocorrect ka. You are not open to suggestions of the other people. I find it disrespectful din kung gaano mo laksan pagtype mo sa keyboard mo. Kung hindi mo man masira yung keyboard, very destructive pakinggan. 

Eight. You tend to miscommunicate with people. Sa mga contractors natin, sa mga Beneficiary at sa mga kasama natin sa MAFAR. How many times you went to the project site na di pala nacocoordinate yung mga tao. 

Ninth. Delayed processing of contractors' billing. Naalala mo nung pinagalitan tayo ni Minister dahil sa tagal ng pag process ng billing ng contractors? Sana natuto na tayo dun. If wala naman tayong valid reason para ihold ang billing ng contracors natin, dapat di natin pinapatagal.

Tenth. I appreciate you reviewing the STAAD of the Research Center. Pero bakit ngayon lang? You should have checked that nung time na nagdedecide tayo about the variation. You even accompanied and agreed with the Certificate Engineers issued to us. I trusted that.. pero bakit ngayon, iba sinasabi mo? How can we address that now the project is substantially completed na?

All these, I think because your are destructed with your personal problems, nadadala mo sa opisina yung problema and hindi na healthy. Hindi na nagiging productive. I know matalino ka, you've got your own skills, but sometimes I prefer good attitude / work ethics, aanhin natin skills natin kung di naman naiaapply ng tama at di maganda pakikitungo natin sa mga kasama natin. 

I've been observing your work ethic for so long, I've been patient at iniintindi ko na lang pero today was not tolerable.

To wrap this up. I hope you take these as points that need to be improved and not be discouraged of. I don't intend to make you feel downgraded, gusto ko mag improve ka. I want you to realize if you still want to be with us, kase kung oo, dapat mag-improve ka. Unless, you want to be somewhere else, kung san tingin mo dun ka magprogress. Our Engineering structure is not that fully established yet, kulang pa sa resources, so I need the appropriate people to back me up, people who are willing to be part of the team.

Please find time to think about this.

-Ash

Monday blues again

 Woke up 3am and couldn't sleep back.. another Monday morning sickness... Feeling scared  and anxious of everything... Fear of getting old, getting sick and losing the people i loved the most..

But despite this, its the time i'm feeling closer to the Almighty . So I pray that I'll get through this insha'Allah.

8.2.2022

 "Hey.. i wonder where in the world you are now, but still I remember you. I guess, i'll never forget you. I still have so much to say about you.. but it doesn't matter anymore.. sometimes, I really want to know how are you doing.. i just have to write that.. i hope your okay."

Last weekend of May 2022

 Hi,

12:01PM

Just enjoying my weekend with nothing so extra special, but I loved it this way. I loved spending the weekends absolutely doing as light like this. Yesterday, we went out to a grocery store, lunch out with my mom and siblings in a barbeque resto where you can eat unlimited rice when you're hungry after having no breakfast, and play around with my nieces and nephews, finished a movie "Falling Inn love" and watched K-Drama. 

Woke up this Sunday morning with the cuddles of nieces and continue watching that series I watched last night. This is entitled my Liberation Notes. Watched it without hesitation, with no recommendation and I haven't heard about it, it just popped out the moment I opened my Netflix account and got interested. I'm currently on the fourth episode now and I can say I'm loving it. I find it relatable for my case, you know, that feeling of being not special at all... haha, 

10:15PM

I have so much to say and I'm supposed to finish this blog with sense, but I'm too sleepy now. So, I just have to end this... just like this. Good night.

Hating myself for a moment

 Tell me not to hate myself coz I really do hate myself at the moment..  I'm battling with telling myself it's okay..  It's gonna be okay.....  But I'm feeling really stupid.... Have you ever felt that?  When you know exactly what to do,  what to say.. But because I'm so weak,  I just kept my mouth shut...  Despite hearing myself... "go,  do it!! " but I remain silent ... Now I'm putting all the blame in me...  I cant blame anyone but myself... I knew this would happen the moment I didn't say a thing.. 

I really loved this prayer..  "Almighty,  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference"...... But i felt like I'm forsaken...  Because i knew the difference,  I knew what to do,  I knew what to change....  But I didn't have the courage to do the action.  Now tell me why?? 

I asked and prayed for a job I will deserve...  Somewhere I can be happy and fullfilled... Then I got this...  But I don't feel like I deserved this..  I feel ashamed.  It seems that I betrayed myself,  I betrayed those who hired me..  I betrayed my subordinates..  Surely they hated me...  I want to quit..  But I just cant...  I want to fight but I'm such a loser...  I know i shouldn't be donwgrading myself...  But I really do hate myself now..  Everybody seems to hate me.  

I'm sorry i'm writing this..  Nobody wants to listen to a loser so I just read it instead...  

I'm only writing this to lift my heavy heart..  This is just another trial.  After I pour this down,  I'll be okay..  Someday I'll understand why this had to happen.  InshaAllah 

Update: I felt better now.  Few days after I wrote this,  I was able to express myself,  Alhamdulillah.