Breaking My Heart on the First Day of 2018

This feeling must be really something that I needed to write . Woke up early, just like my typical Monday Morning sickness strikes, indeed it's Monday and I have to travel back away from home today .. yes,on the first day of the 2018.

I'm feeling guilty since last night for feeling bad on how my life's current status. It hits me when one my friends success graced in front of me... I'm happy for her, she deserves it. But my heart seems to break like, I am so incomplete! What have I done? Did I waste my time, my life?

Honestly, I want to despise myself for feeling that way, I know shouldn't.

So here' to remind myself.

1. Stop questioning success.. it's not really measured on the property you acquire, the salary you are getting or any material possession... but it's about contentment. You must be happy with what is given to you and never question that. Remember, there are always people greater than you or even lesser than you. Mind your own business and stop comparing yourself to others.. Some opportunities may be showered to other people even they least expected it while what you want comes late or may never come, but there are things we called blessings in desguised, learn to acknowledge that.. Keep in mind, material things are not forever.. and so with life, so don't toxify it with insecurities, envy & grudges.

2. Lovelife. Who care's if you're becoming an old maid..?! (yeah, they though care, coz to some it's not normal and could be too lonely).. I know you've already tried to accept that but these people are ruining that confidence as if its so much to lose when you're single for good. But you have to be strong.. you don't have to push yourself too hard.. Leave it all to God. I know you didn't really pray for "the one" because you we're okay having your family, but now, maybe you could start praying for that...If no one's meant for you then it could be God's will, don't blame yourself, don't question your worth, maybe it's better that way.. There are other things in this world you could divert your life with, your niece and nephew.. and the rest of your family.

3. Why are they getting these and that, why can't I?? Why I'm not? What have I done wrong?--these are questions that always cause your anxiety. As what I'm constantly telling you, stop comparing yourself to others, life may appears  to be unfair, maybe it is really is, but you don't know what these people are going through, or what they have given up just to be where they are now. This can be be a tarnished statement, but some people may look happy outside but deep inside them they're struggling, some may not achieve ultimate wealth but are contented. We can't have everything but we can make use and be happy with what's served on our table... stop frowning on things you don't have.. Be ashamed of those happy people who have nothing. There so much to be grateful about, so stop acting there as if you haven't gone so far. Life is not a competition, you have your own story to play using all the resources God given you, stop complaining, be thankful instead.

4. BE BRAVE! I know you been really wanting to be courageous but sometimes you just end up crying. It's okay. You can be weak sometimes . Just don't let it eat the whole of you. Always dare yourself to overcome your fears. If you fail, it's okay. Just never lose your self.  Accept yourself, love yourself more than anyone else. Pretend to be strong if you can't really be one, its not fooling yourself, it's trying.

5. Few friends. You don't need too many of them..  and when they seems to forget you, don't hate them, don't think like you have lesser value just because they don't prioritize you. You must be independent. I don't want you to be that someone who rely much on other people.... they don't have obligations to you. Understand them even if they wont do the same. Always remember that not all people see and approach things the way you want it. Be that person that you are looking for.

6. PRAY HARD. Some will judge you as how you practice your faith, but still, hold onto HIM.

7. Trust yourself. As i speak to you. Your heart may still be in a burden but please let it go.

Feeling bad at the End of 2017

I'm feeling bad, really... which I should not. I'm actually feeling guilty that I'm feeling this. I'm envious! :(.... I can't help it but I am..  I'm praying it wont get worse.. so I Pray it would be gone... before 2018 would come.

Trying my Luck but unfortunately Not

I was trying to upload a blog on this Website but unfortunately, I can't submit it. It's my first time to participate on such thing, maybe I can start fulfilling that dream of travel blogging, finally I'm making my move, but not my luck... why isn't it working for me? It's all done, but SUBMIT botton isn't working.

So because I can't post there... I 'm posting here my entry:

Last June 2013, my  friend and I went to Siem Reap because I needed to escape from my stressful work. I decided to see other things aside from my messy table and my computer. It was only a 2 day trip but one of those worth remembering.

Our day one started at 5am hoping to catch the Sunrise in the famous Ankor Wat. We brought with us our Hotel’s free breakfast and acted as if we are having a dry picnic early in the morning waiting for the sun rise to come (but it didn’t, it actually rained). It was a gloomy day but the Angkor Wat  never failed to take my breath away..

Then we went to the other temples such as.

Angkor Thom

Chau Say Thevoda and Thommmanom

The famous Ta Phrom, where Angelina Jolie’s Tomb Raider was taken.

Bantay Srei

Pre Rup

Bantay Kdei

Around 3pm when we returned to our accommodation, Motherhome Home Inn. It was raining again that time, but just like little girls, my friend and I  jumped into the swimming pool like we own it, ofcourse, because it was raining, no one’s around.

At night, we didn’t let it pass not visiting the famous Pub street and had our delicious dinner there.

The next day, we left the hotel at 7am and headed to Rolous Group (Lolei, PreahKoh and Bakong. On our way, boarded the same Tuktuk, earphones on us while playing music and sang with it like we didn’t care.. The feeling was good, it won’t be so much of noise destruction I guess since our voices are being blown away on the open air. These three temples are among the oldest as narrated by our guide.

We continued on our journey by dropping by into the following places.

East Mebon

Ta Som

Neak Pean

Preah Khan.

Our last destination that day was Siem Reap’s Pagoda and National Park.

And just like blink of an eye, our trip was over. This experience may be quick, but it made me feel amazing. Being on a place where no one knows you, seeing completely different place, meeting new people with diverse culture, hearing unfamiliar languages, learning their way of living and witnessing things that you never expected you would, it makes you feel alive.. yes, it made me feel alive and proud.

So no matter how not gusty I am, no matter how riding the Plane terrifies me, no matter how unprepared I am financially, no matter how afraid I am crossing the streets, no matter how suicidal  for me to file Leaves,  no matter how Introvert I am, no matter how hard traveling for me. I’ll still go. I’ll go because it makes me find purpose and beauty behind my dull world.

Thank you Cambodia!

12.23.17

7:44am
I'm going home today.. and it took me a while to decide whether to take the typical commuter's van, or the bus.... and because I miss taking the latter, so that's why I'm here!

safe trip to me!

Some words of wisdom from all over Somewhere To Calm my Senses

Obviously, I'm feeling pestered that leads me to Copy Paste these statements,  and I can't calm my disturbed senses... but now I can. Lol.

Good night!

26 Nov 17

wala naman akong sasabihin.. naantok na rin kase.. done with 3 movies... 1. Mulan 2.Ninja Turle 3. The Holiday... at lahat nun iniyakan ko.. waahaha.. bumababaw na luha ko... Ninja Turtle, naiyak ako??? haha

Sige good night!

That 50 QUESTIONS!

Not really bored, I just missed the old ways of blogging or just merely pondering.. so I when saw these questions on somewhere the World Wide Web, I decided to answer them...

50 good questions to ask yourself and others

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?   Ash, Noni, Aira, Kaeds, Pabs, Nons, Call me whatever you like.  

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read? - I love reading but I don't have any book on my current rented room (which don't even have shelf) right now! I left my books in Manila!

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like? --Hmmm, a girl with big eyes? a floor plan? house elevations?... I actually don't do a lot of doodling recently.

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive? --I tried counting sheep, but I don't remember it worked out (or baka nakatulugan ko rin). Toss and turn maybe.. just closing my eyes or stared at the ceiling .. hold a pasbi (Islamic Bids or Rosary for Christians).

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it? - Huh? I don't know. But I can stay in my room the  whole day without talking to anyone.

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away? - I kept them, I don't throw stuff like that.. but I only misplaced them..  or keeping them somewhere that someday I can't find. haha Especially when I keep on transferring places.

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know? - What's pack rat? :)......... I need to research on that, and if it means this "a person who saves unnecessary objects or hoards things.".... then the answer is ME, MYSELF AND I.

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost? - I don't even want to be in a party! But to answer the question, it's to sneak in quietly and find someone I know! Them probably find reason to exit.

9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be? -my sense of Feelings? haha.. Sense of sight, taste, hearing, taste, smell .......... I think I would give up the smell! if I really have to.

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror? - I don't actually really look at the mirror especially when pimples are being so inlove with me haha...  but I bought a mirror and put it on my office desk... so I can't count how many times.

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?- I won't grow old! Maybe I was 5 years old when I asked my Grandmother, will I be like her someday with those white hair... Coz I thought I'll be forever a child.

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up? - travels! but I don't that's something to feel guilty about. I

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?- I think that girl I call Margaux, she's being so selfless sometimes and I both love and hate that. 

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?- I don't remember when was the last time I read the newspaper, I have no favorite section, it depends on the title of an article.. So, yes I judge the title! 

15. Which animals scare you most? Why? - stray dogs. and lizard too, but is lizard an animal?  haha.. 

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on? - Avoid.

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured? - I don't received much compliments, but recently someone told me I looked better now, maybe because I gained weight.. but I don't really believe that.. haha.. I know we're not suppose to dispute flattering words, but sometimes it's hard to believe.

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? - Gosh! this question just made me frown coz I have so much to say. I'm indecisive, no guts at all, unconfident, an introvert, bad posture, SCARED OF PLANE RIDES........ I just hope I can change them.

19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain. - I'm a creature I can't explain!

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain. - Absolutely not. I'm so frustratingly too contented of "some things." masaya na nga ako sa arrozcaldo.

21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits? - Ang hirap hirap naman ng  tanong na 'to! because I think I haven't, I 'm so physically lame at whatsoever physically.. ano raw?

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why? - Few friends.. Because I think I'm not normal. I don't open up first. Someone told me , I am so intimidating.  I think I hate me too because I don't appear  friendly, so i ended up having few friends... but I'm okay with that.

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others? - Build my own empire

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? - Why would I say so when I can't even share it to anyone? I'm not answering this.

25. What do you think about more than anything else? - I'm just rolling my eyes here and says what?? hehe... I think.... family, my nephew & my niece, travel, and that kitten I'm hearing "meowing' right now. 

26. What’s something that amazes you? - simple things amazes me.

27. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why? - Shoot straight... I know how it feels to be controlling your temper.. although this depends on the case.. we should know when to control our tempers too.

28. Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest? - anywhere! anywhere I've never been.

29. What’s one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why? - hmmmm...let me think. the laundry?

30. Do you have a catchphrase? - yes, but too many... but recently, I posted this "Don't get worked up over things you can't change, people you can't change. It's not worth the anger build up or the headache. Control only what you can. Let go."

31. What’s your reaction towards people who are outspoken about their beliefs? What conditions cause you to dislike or, conversely, enjoy talking with them? -I'm okay with outspoken people but I dislike it when they are overdoing it. I know it's good to be frank but we must be careful also. 

32. How and where do you prefer to study? - I graduated already! haha.. medyo nakakatamad sagutin ang tanong na yan. Ayoko ng mag-aral pa.

33. What position do you sleep in? - sideways.. usually fetus style. haha

34. What’s your all-time favourite town or city? Why? - my hometown, no matter how chaotic it is there.

35. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new? - Funny, kindhearted & softspoken, loves to travel who's not afraid of air turbulence haha// 

36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you? - I'm 3rd out of 7.. I think I'm one of the favorite my siblings get jealous of.. haha.. hindi ko ata sinasagot yung tanong.

37. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be? - Negative thinker!!!

38. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? - Nothing.

39. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? - I'm not changing it.

40. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not? - Both! Knowing too much leads us to crave for things we'll never get satisfied, while ignorance? simple lang ang buhay! Pero para saken, wisdom is a bliss... 

41. What do you consider unforgivable? - lies.

42. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not? - ofcourse, I always forgive myself.

43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize? - Ofcourse it's too difficult especially when they don't even know they're suppose to say sorry. But as much as I can, I don't keep grudges, and I'm trying to accept that people don't think the way how I see things, that they couldn't care about me at all... and I don't have the right to question that, because that's who they are.. I can't change them!

44.Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for? - Ofcourse. Buti na lang walang "what and why" 'to.

45. To what extent do you trust people? Explain. - Nakakainis naman yung mga tanong na may "Explain", it reminds me of my Values Education subject hehe. But here'e my answer, I trust people, but I trust myself even more... I don't really depend on them, I mean, relative to my answer at number 43., we can't control the minds of other people. Sometimes, the people you expect to betray you the least, will betray you. pero okay lang, choice nila yun... or baka may dahilan din naman sila/

46. In what area of your life are you immature? - hard to admit it but I think I'm being immature most of my life.

47. What was the best news you ever received? - I passed the board exam. yun lang naiisip ko. haha...  ah, alam ko na, nung pinanganak yung mga pamangkin ko!

48. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular? - It's not difficult for me because I'm always honest... charot!... what's challenging is , how to say those things.. so, oo, very difficult sya.

49. When did you immediately click with someone you just met? Why? What was the long term result? Conversely, are you close with anyone now that you really disliked at first? - I remember a colleague where in we click the first moment I spoke with her, and now we're still friends for about 14 years.  And for that someone whom I disliked first,  I couldn't think of anyone, because as I said, I'm an introvert, so how would you expect me to start a conversation with someone I disliked.. sorry.

50. When do you find yourself singing? - when I'm alone and happy... when I walk in the rain with my umbrella and no one's around...