when you're not prepared

Sept. 5, 2009

I had this interview a while ago and I’m upset about it.. I want to be impressive but it wasn’t supposed to be the best… Maybe I am only comforting myself in thinking that that institution (it’s a Non Government Organization) wasn’t my field of profession, they need  social workers not a Newly licensed Civil Engineer.. All my life, I have experienced failure, I’m always not involve… I hide my self.. I don’t want to join in any form of organization… I don’t want to lose my self in action… I hate crowd… I hate talking in front of many people….you can rate my self confidence zero.. So what would you expect from me now?? …. Do you think they would hire a person like that?... I was the one who need help I guess… But I don’t want to be helped… I don’t want to owe anybody because I’m afraid they’ll ask for paybacks, wont be able to do them favors…So pathetic.. I know exactly that I am trudging the wrong way…. I want a change now. I wish I could.

Back to that interview, what worst is, my very close friend is one of the interviewing panels… what a shame… It wouldn’t really matter to me if I was being embarrassed in front of many people I don’t know, rather than to those who knew me well… We’ve been to happy and easy going life, and then in just a blink of time…. We are into that situation!! I haven’t answered the questions excellently, nor good… maybe to them, it wasn’t even satisfying… Now I know why we should research on the company or employer background, as well as the position your applying for… I don’t really mind it before… to me, I just need to be myself, but It wasn’t enough… Coz, if you’re ask about their sort of history and functions and you will stammer…. Then don’t doubt.. that will surely happen.. you’re submitting your self in battle without any weapon..

I don’t know why the right thoughts come out when the show is already done.. was it really that way? Or it’s just me whose being really stupid?.. I want to prove myself now, but what if I am really meant to be a loser for the rest of my life? See , that’s already an attitude of a dim person. Then how will I know anyway if I wont give it a try.. Now, I’m debating with my self.. as always, I’ll end up confused.

Anyway, emotional freak, I am becoming here. This is only about that interview.. It was a good interview then.. another experience.. will I be hired? Let’s find out.. anyway, the job wasn’t really I am supposed to be.. But if given a chance, then I might be.. again, lets find that out.