It's Ed'l Fit'r that marks the end of the Holy Month. Indeed it's true, evils are being tied up during Ramadhan and now they are free, it seems that they're responsible for me now feeling anxious.
I'm a little bit depressed at the moment, and the reason I'm doing this write-up is to make myself feel better at the end of this.
Lets start this by acknowledging why I feel down. I never felt this heavy hearted since I started fasting last April 24.. Or even at the start of the quarantine last March 16 where I need to stay alone in my boarding house.. Home is just 4hour drive but I'm stranded. But I was okay, enjoying my Me-time, I actually learned many things spiritually, I didn't even miss working.. i was fine.. But today, I felt bad.
Maybe because I was seeing a lot of family photos on the social media celebrating the Eid together, while I was on my own, can't even get a fresh air outside, it saddened me...it made me miss home so much. I learned also that a colleague, actually younger than me, is becoming really successful, we have same profession and yet I can't be as successful as her.. She rewards herself by traveling a lot and that made me feel so envious..financially, surely she is stable that she didn't even needs to work away from her home. I can't be like her coz I'm not as confident and courageous as her. I'm not as friendly as her that she made a lot of connections. So I pitied my self. Add to that is I'm not getting any younger.
So I think that's where it all started. And I can't even talk to anyone to share how I feel at least could lessen this burden, so I'm writing... as my way of talking to myself.
So now, we're on the part of resolving this. I know I'm being tested. So I'm proving it, overthinking and feeling envious is a task of evil. I must remind myself of the good thoughts I learned during Ramadan..
I must not be sad even I'm on my own during this Eid.. There are also other people who are alone at the moment, I'm not the only one. I must remember that there are people who are in worse condition that I am, some lost family members, some are struggling with this current Pandemic, some are really sick. Sukor , I must be grateful that my family though are far, they are doing well. There are also other people who are not alone during this Eid but still lonely. Must remind myself that happiness is not always found with people. Often, it is found when it is just you and Almighy Allah. Soon, I'll be home, InshaAllah. This pandemic will be over, InshaAllah.
Another important thing that nourished my relationship to the Almighty is Sab'r, yes that is Patience. I know my career wasn't really a success and that is because I'm so timid, introvert and not confident at all. I'm even resigning anytime soon due to some reasons I wont detail here... we're not also productive due to this covid virus.. so this means, soon I'll be jobless! which also mean goodbye travels??!! you know how I loved traveling.. it's my therapy!
But I'm resolving my thoughts now, that's my purpose of writing this and not to get consumed by my lack of positiveness. I know I'm at the stage of uncertainty, quiting my job at the wrong time maybe not a wise move. But this I believed my company and myself will achieve the mutual convenience. So there comes in my Sabr, surely the Almighty will guide me, I just need to keep that faith. I must not doubt Him as I must not doubt myself. Everything will be in place soon. I must not feel jealous of other people's success and question why can't I be like that. It would be a huge crisis if I keep on thinking that way. Just be happy for them, if I can't, then at least dont hope for them their downful, that's a sin. The Almighty gave that success to them, wait for yours. Never compare yourself to others, it will only make us feel resentful. As what the Desiderata said, there will always be greater and lesser people than yourself.
And I must not think that my current career is a failure.. It might not be that kind of job that you'll get excited to report to everyday but I was paid with something I deserved, I met few friends, my salary let me travel to different countries and had started building my house, it might not be as grandiose as others but its something I must be thankful about, Sukor. The Almighty loved those who are grateful of their blessings. Alhamdulillah.
I must be reminded that life will always test us, we must guard our attitude. As this wordly things are just temporary, do not be so attached.. Our attitude and faith are keys to Hereafter.
Now I feel better. As you can see, I became so spiritually inclined.. I don't usually do that in my previous blogs. One of the good things I enhanced during this quarantine is my FAITH. It can give us comfort to any crisis. ALHAMDULILLAH.
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