Monday Blues 7.26.2021

 ..and Monday blues still hits me.  That feeling of wanting to quit,  forget and just do nothing...  but I just can't.  

I'm not that strong,  not that confident...  Doubting myself wont help but I know I'll be okay..  

InshaAllah,  everything will be just fine. 

No matter how tough things are, still, ALHAMDULILLAH

 Alhamdulillah (thanks to Allah)...  For this very moment...  I'm lying on my bed which I truly missed. I've been sleeping in other house for a month to spend the Ramadhan there,  that's why I missed this room so bad.  I missed my nieces suddenly coming in and out of this room, they're my stress reliever. 

I'm still scared of what lies ahead,  but I must trust the Almighty.  

Right now,  I'm embracing this moment. I want to have more of this but I know it's temporary...  Alhamdulillah still. 

Monday

 Monday is so hard to face now since I've been absent from work the whole week last week.  But I'm praying,  things will get better...  And I may have all the strength and courage I needed for this life. I really want. To get over and get used to my work issues so I can face other life's crisis.. Inshallah..  Everything will be just fine...  

Rabbi Irhamhuma Kamarabayannee Saguira.. 

4.23.21

 Everything will be okay....... :)

thoughts 3.28.2020

 * I'm grateful but I'm feeling guilty at the same time.  I know I should be grateful,  but do I deserved it?  I'm breaking my heart that maybw someone better should be in this position and not me.  I used to pray people including myself should get what we deserve. And now that I'm here,  I don't know if I deserved it.  But I got no choice but to accept it.  And i'll do the best that I can do to prove that I am destined to be here. It's not easy I know,  but with the Almighty's  guidance, lets claim this,  soon I will be enlightened.  I maybe have doubts with myself right now,  but I trust the Almighty's plans for me.  Insahaallah,  things will be okay. 

*

21st of March 2021

 There are so many good words out there, so many good thoughts, advice, and quotes. But there are still times you wake up with a heavy heart. And I'm afraid, it's one of those days.

I'm realizing I'm getting too old but not growing up. It's like I'm missing most of life's what they call "normal" at this point in time. Suddenly, I felt scared I'm losing time to pay back the people I loved the most, I mean, at least make them happy. .. Or them, happy for me for who and where I became.

I'm being stressed out lately with my current job that it has almost consumed my sanity. I want to be better at it, but I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. That feeling of exhaustion but unproductive, it's making me anxious. I'm very much concerned about people must get what they deserve, but there's a part of me here that tells me I don't deserve it. In my current job, I don't really aim to be the best employee; I just want to be useful and productive. I don't want to be tagged incompetent. But things aren't easy because I don't know who my mentor will be, no one is instructing me on this and that. I arrived at this job not even trained, briefed, and oriented. And yet, they are expecting a result from me? I may be the Chief in my section, but I still need some directions. I have never been in this kind of job. Why am I complaining here anyway? LOL

This is also one of those mornings my heart feels empty. I've already accepted my fate that I don't need other people to be part of my life (if that's what's meant for me). But maybe it's already part of being human to feel empty sometimes, hoping someone could understand why I feel this way.

I know what I was saying is something I need to fight. And I am, my first step is to pour them out by writing about it. That's why I'm here. I don't feel this way every day, but when I do, I write about it. I don't have someone with whom I could talk about this. I don't want to bother anyone anyway. I know I'll be fine. Every day is not a good day, especially recently that I am learning new things, things that I have never had experienced. And that's why I'm having hard days... I'm just pressured. Inshallah, everything will be okay. I must be patient. It's tiring, the questions and doubts about my new workmates are killing my confidence but I'll try to beat it.

I know some say I must not acknowledge negative thoughts. I'm trying not to, but I think acknowledging what burdens us is the first step to overcoming it.

I'll be okay. I may be in a tough situation right now, but someday I will be just fine. I must stop doubting myself for being in this position, I prayed for this, surely the Almighty has plans for me why I here. 

Feeling Anxious on the Last day of day of Feb 2021

 I'm feeling anxious and I want to fight it..  i don't want it to ousmart me. 

I'm so thankful I had my new job..  I really prayed that my next job is something I will deserve,  I will find fulfillment, happiness,  and something I'll be good at, no matter how long I'll wait. 

But as expected,  the adjustment isn't that easy. Yes,  I had my work experiences but they are doing different thing in this new office.  How can I be good at this?  i know they are expecting something from me,  but how, when I am clueless. Doubts in myself are  slowly crawling in. It's been a week but I am not oriented or taught properly.  I'm not sure yet if the Officer In Charge will support me or he'll just assumed I know what to do. I hope he's jusy busy and not because he hated or intimadated with my presence. I wanted to talk to him but he's always on a site visit or meeting,  and I am left not knowing exactly what to do while everyone is expecting something from me.

This quote is actually the reason why I'm feeling anxious... 

"Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking stupid and fear of the unknown.”

I need to overcome this. 

Today,  my sister, her husband and my nieces and nephews will be out of town for week...  Those kiddos are my happy pill which means I'm going to endure the week without my energizer (sigh). I'll be fine..  I'm gonna beat this anxiety. 

And this job,  no matter how blur things now,  I know I'll be okay in time. I trust the Almighty because he gave me this. Just because things aren't easy now doesn't mean I don't deserve this, adjustment and knowing everything wont be achieved overnight.  I'll just be honest with everyone and I'll try not to get affected with people's impression. I'll just try to do my job at the best I can and the rest I'll leave to my prayers.