Feeling stupid 11.6.2025

Nov 6. 2025 8pm

I feel really stupid today, so stupid that I need to write it coz I've got no one to talk to.... I mean, I should keep it to myself coz I should pretend that I'm fine.... Coz I need to be fine.... eerrrrr... basta naiinis ako.... My answer to our activity today is so nakakahiya... errrr....  Im so embarrassed .

Nov 7. 2025, 7:28am

Woke up still feeling ashamed....  I need to make bawi to prove that im not stupid.. hahahw.. eshhhh

9.19pm

Feeling a bit better, did something a bit better in our activity today ...

November 8, 2025, 

In terms of the official activity, i feel better today coz presented twice with a positive remarks. But i feel bad again of that ice breaker where my age was revealed publicly, and still single at 41.... Errrrr... I'm in denial with other people, but I'm okay with being single at 41... If you'll see what's inside me, im really okay with that despite that sadness sometimes.... I can handle that .. but what i can't almost not handle is the judgement of the people when they make me feel that it isn't normal to be single at 41.... That's why, sometimes, I dont wanna be with some people .. i just wann be with my family,.. my nieces are one of my happy pills aside from travelling....

insha'Allah, I can handle this 

European Dreams

 September 18, 2025

LOL... yeah, starting this post by laughing out loud  ... but not so loud coz I'm still in the office having my lunch break. It seems impossible at the moment to dream about European travel, but I'm badly feeling like I need it ASAP. You know, traveling is somewhat my happy pill, and I'm already done visiting my bucket list of countries in Asia... now I want to move to Europe, I mean, travel there... I'm so desperate,   it's just that my budget for my travel goals this time isn't enough yet.. ahahahaha.. All my previous travel, I ensured that I had sufficient fund for that, not sacrificing my few savings... but this time, I don't know why I can't wait, even though I haven't save enough for this yet.

Why do I want it so bad, as in ASAP, early next year?

1. Because I feel too old, maybe if I delay it, I won't be able to go.. I'm already feeling so many sickness nowadays, just like now, I'm feeling a little dizzy Lol.. Observing my hypertension as well... Though I'm praying really hard to keep myself healthy

2.  In 2023, I remembered telling my stories to my father, stories about my Pakistan trip. I was sitting at his deathbed, but he was so sick I couldn't finish sharing my travel experiences. A month after that, he passed away. Now, I want to travel in Europe while my mother is still with us, so she can listen to my travel stories... (though she's against at me traveling alone.. hehe) but I know she's happy too in my every successful trip.

3. Because I need a break from work... well, I always need a break.. lol. My job and my position is somewhat consuming my energy everyday, busy or not busy. I'm not totally happy here, or should I say, I'm still having Monday morning sickness. I don't like the management, and my xxxxxf, hope he wont find this.. coz I'm happy everytime he's absent (yung ganon) hehe... good thing he's literally always absent... This is not the right post to detail my job position right now, but I may be anxious reporting to work daily, but I'm grateful I'm able to help the farmers/Fisherfolk... and I'm receiving my salary.... My salary, which is my sole source of income... hahaha... (syemepre di ako umaasa sa mga contractors namin.. hahaha,,, sa kaso ng Pilipinas now, you know what I mean).

4. And of course I'm desperate to visit Europe, coz who's not??? Switzerland is my favorite.

5. My life is too lonely and dull hahaha.. I'm only excited and happy when I travel.

Now why I'm hesitating?

1. Coz I don't have enough funds yet...I need to save more. Lol

2.  I'm torn between performing Umra or Pilgrimage to Mecca first. But if I do the pilgrimage, it will take time too for me to save more than what I need for Europe, and I'm waiting for my sister for this.. Maybe in three years from now, Inshaallah. For the Umra (lesser cost), yes, if only my Mom would go this year. Coz, if not only for her, I'll do and wait for the pilgrimage na lang..

3. There could be more important things that I should spend my money on.

Hmmmm.. so what now??? What should I do? I hope the Almighty will guide me on this. Praying that He will allow me to travel more and witness His beautiful creation... Inshaallah

December 1, 2025

I started this blog by laughing at myself , coz it seems impossible to achieve that European Dreams, but guess what? I already had my VISA.. hehe.. Alhamdullillah. Last October 17, I had a scheduled Biometric for the visa processing, and just few weeks ago, my Passport arrived with the attached VISA on it, Alhamdullillah, so now I think I'm a little close to the reality. Coz the pre requisite of goin there is 1st , the Visa, checked!, then second , Funds, not much but i already had reservations, yung tipong parang nakasanla na yung ATM card ko haha, then lastly and most importantly is GOD's WILL.... so I'm praying He'll allow me to... Below are my major prayers so I'll have a successful travel:

    1. The tour agency will find me a female solo traveler (a good one), to partner with me, so I don't have to pay the single supplement, ang mahal din ng single supplement... Solo Traveler problem here.. hehe

   2. Smooth processing and issuance of my TRAVEL AUTHORITY, so no issue with the immigration.

     3. My mom and siblings will be healthy and safe, so I wont be bothered while preparing for the travel, I'll have a peace of mind during the travel... I'm praying for this all the time though, but doubled when I'm not around due to travel.

    4. No turbulence during the flights

    5. I wont get sick during the travel

    6. Safe travels, since some European countries are also known of pickpockets and scam

    7. I won't have dysmenorrhea or abnormal menstrual cycle / discharge during the travel

9.12.25

 I want to write something... but i don't know why it's too hard doing that nowadays... 

my 4th of June Thoughts

Sometimes I miss writing, but I'm too lazy to write... If only my thoughts can be transcribed directly in this page, then I will. 

I wanted to write about my trip to Dubai and Abu Dhabi as I missed my travel blogs. It's been a month since I visited the UAE, and the obstacles I've been through before it came true and the experience itself is worth writing, but as I've said, I'm lazy... lol

I wanted to write how pressured I am in my current job, torn between being good but martyr, and "just do what I can with the given time and resources, no pressures.".... I wanted the latter , but sometimes I'm exceeding to that, lol.

missing Aya, always

 missing Ayah, our dear father, so much.. it's been a year since he left, but the pain will never heal... remembering him always makes me cry... seeing his old laptop on the glass shelve, breaks my heart. I remembered him so patiently working there, despite me being so impatient that his laptop is too slow, but he was so patient.. Seeing his phone that my little nephew is now playing with.... i clearly remember him using it.... by just writing this... its making me cry... Yah Allah, please position him in your paradise... I miss him so much