ECHOS LANG!
Yes, I wanted to write again, my thoughts, my pain, my disappointments.... as always, I can write more when I'm upset.. and I'm being a bit of it, this past few weeks, or ever since my father passed away, I missed him everyday.
Gotta get myself busy working now.
I missed aya so much, since he passed away, i never had dreamed of him, until dawn this morning..
I'm still hurting.. even though I'm accepting it...i have so much thoughts about him...
I'm currently at Davao now for a Team Building/Strat Plan and its breaking my heart that Ayah is no longer home when I get back..
Yah Allah, Alhamdulillah for making not feeling the pain all the time.. but at some point, its breaking me.Astagfirullah
Yes, reading back my old posts makes me sick haha... maybe because that's the younger version of me and now I'm too old, I' am ashamed I've ever posted them. lol
December 24, 2023
In July 2023 this year, my father was diagnosed with this critical illness. We did everything possible to cure or slow down its progress, but it seems that as the days go by, his condition has worsened. Currently, he has stopped taking his medicine, he can't eat, and drinking water is even very difficult... He has been hospitalized thrice since September... On his third admittance, he stayed for more than a week until he insisted on going home. So we are caring for him now at home. I don't want to leave his side, but seeing him in pain and uncomfortable is tearing me apart.
Each day passes by, and his condition is not improving.. he won't eat, we can't understand the words he said, and he now has already stopped talking. Honestly, it's not good. I'm not in the position to say what's next, Only the Almighty Allah knows.
PRAYER
Whatever the will of Allah, I will accept, as I believe, He's the best planner. But if I have to make Dua, I will ask to extend my father's life for 20 years or more, which seems impossible, then 10, or five, or at least he finished what he wanted for the Madrasah he established and the Review Center. I know by the looks of it, it seems impossible, with his current condition, he doesn't look that well. It's like I'm praying for rain in the Sahara. Only Your miracles will save him, and I believe in You. But if You won't grant it for some reason, then my DUA or prayer will just make it easy for him and the rest of the family.
ALHAMDULILLAH
Alhamdulillah for the gift of life, that we still have our father at this moment. When you granted my prayer to get him well last 2019, that was one of the happiest moments of my life I won't trade it for anything. You've already extended his life before. Alhamdulillah, that this is not happening during the COVID, I can't imagine how hard that could be. Alhamdulillah, that we still have him at the moment. Alhamdulillah, through this suffering, I'm becoming closer to You. Alhamdulillah, through the unfortunate event, our family is united and strengthened
PATIENCE/ SABAR
If only we know what to do then we have done that. We tried the medication with his doctor's advice, and we thought that it was only the side-effect of his becoming weak each day.... but now, it seems that the medication didn't work for him until he stopped taking it. We're trying everything, but we just don't know what would make him feel better.
ASTAGFIRULLAH
May the Almighty forgive me if I can't get rid of unwanted thoughts. Our father is a good person, he intends to advocate education that would benefit one from this world and the hereafter. He's patient and kind, Astaghfirullah, I can't avoid asking why this is happening to him. Indeed, the Almighty tests those he loves.
ACCEPTANCE
All of these are meant to happen, it was the will of Allah. I'm just taking my chances through my DUAs and prayers that the Almighty will heal him.
I feel ashamed it I sounded demanding in my prayers, every time I remember the condition of Palestine, my close friends who lost their both parents already, and my cousins at a young age who also lost one of their parents.
I wanted him to live longer coz there was something, so much to do. He has started something that hasn't come to success yet, I'm hurting that it might just go to waste, Astaghfirullah. But I know, that's how the world is, surely those who already passed away had some unfinished business too. Because this world is temporary, what matters is how we live it.
I'm reminding myself not to say "If only I had done such and such...." but rather think "It is the Decree of Allah and He does whatever He Wills. Know that Everything is by QADR of Allah.
"Through this trial, Allah has opened up a huge world of Ibadah like SABR, SALAH, repentance, etc."
"Through this trial, Allah is putting us on the path of the Prophets. It is a confirmation that Allah loves us. The more Allah loves somebody, the more He tests them"
TAWWAKKUL
Despite my DUA, I entrust to You everything. Now, the only medication left is the miracle that the Almighty Allah may grant upon us. Inshallah.
Yah Allah, please keep me strong, as well as our Mother. Grant us ease and acceptance on whatever is about to come.
insha'Allah, I will understand more why this is happening.
July 24, 2023
Yah Allah,im so scared.. i know i should trust You. You know what't best for us, You're the best planner.. but i'm too scared.. I'm too scared to lose my parents... I know we will all die coz this world is temporary but can I Dua for another chance?? I know You heard me last 2019 alhamdulillah for extending the life of our Father... Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.... But can I ask for another chance... Please please? I know my request seems to be impossible because my parents are old.. and they're not so healthy anymore.... But can you give them 10 or 20years more...please??? Im not asking for so many things.. or i'll be fine if you're not going to grant my other prayers.. but can you give me this chance again?? My parents have more to do, especially the madrasah... You know i cant be as good as my father... None of my siblings do... I haven't made them happy yet...
I'm a little scared now . Im so scared.. I know we lose people because You want to remind us life is temporary.. that we must not be too attached to this world.. Astagfirullah.. Astagfirullah.. forgive me for praying this... Astagfirullah for being so weak... Please please.. can you extend their life please??
July 25, 2023
Today is father's ct scan.. and im soo scared....i'm praying that is something curable or he will be able to tolerate it to live a longer.. pls Yah Allah .. i know i have nothing special for You to grant my prayers,, many people who really even deserves to grant their prayers, but still Your Will will prevail.... I know Your Will is what's best and Astagfirullah Astagfirullah Astagfirullah if I want to demand what's in my heart.. i'm really sorry that I'm so weak... I'm just too scared I can't handle it... I dont know if I deserved now for my prayer to be granted... I'm feeling really sad and worried . Yah Allah forgive me... Give me strength.. praying you'll extend my parents life for 10 years or more... I promise to be better.
July 26, 2023
Yah Allah, I know Your will is the good one, can I pray for my father's sickness not that harsh? Please yah allah. Let him live longer, I know how He wants to witness the realization of the madrasah he established.. we can't be better than him... I know everything happens for a reason.. alhamdulillah, in this trial, You are being closer to us.. and I wont forget Your Mercy in 2019, its one of the best thing ever happened to us... Alhamdulillah... Forgive me if I can't get enough that I'm requesting for another 10 or more years...i think its too much... But I'm really praying so bad for it...
Hope today's result will be tolerable for all of us.please yah allah
July 29,2023
Yah, I'm still scared,I can't even ask how my father is doing right now, or hows the check up..it seems that I dont want to know what is his condition coz i'm too scared to accept it. Yah Allah forgive me if this is wrong.. i'm too weak. Astagfirullah.. there's not a single moment that i wish my parents would live longer... I never had the family of my own.. but i'm fine with it as long as I have them... I know we can't have each other forever.. and i can't choose for the time You will take us.. but I'm praying so hard that when that time comes, it's not too painful.. we have served our purpose in the world and You are pleased with us so we will be reunited in Jannah.. I have lots of prayers but if only I got one, then that't the longevity and health of the family. Waitu Maridtu Fahuwa Yashfeen.... Forgive me Yah Allah for being so weak...
July 29,2023
4:09Pm
At Naia Terminal 2.. waiting for boarding the plane bound to Davao City.. flights never cease to scare me.. but nothing scares me more knowing my father's condition... Im not really seeing my family's active group chats and im paranoid why... And i'm too scared to ask.. forgive me once again Yah Allah.. make me strong, keep my parents a live a longer life.. keep me safe on my flight especially there's a possibility of typhoon coming
July 30,2023
Home. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.. i still dont know the real condition of my father.. but at the moment he's doing well..he'll undergo some medication which we pray he can handle the side effects
August 29, 2023
I still haven't asked the detailed diagnosis of my father until now though he is in undergoing an oral medication. He's weak due to the side effects of the medication.. but alhamdulillah, some of the pains may father was complaining before are somewhat improving, i hope the medication is working on him.
Yah Allah, please please.. grant good health and longevity to my parents. Please.. Rabi Irhamhumma kama rabayani Saguira
September 11,2023
Yah Allah... alhamdulillah for each day i'm waking up knowing my siblings, nieces and nephew... especially our parents are still with us.. Alhamdulillah...
My friend just lost her father.. now she lost her two parents.. i know its too painful, its something i know would happen to everyone but i don't know how can we endure when our time comes... i know my frine prayed so hard for her parents too but its Allah's will... pls Allah,grant the bereaved family ease.. grant her parents space in Jannah.
Sept 21,2023
Today was the toughest of this journey. I thought we're going to lose him... my siblings gathered in his hospital bed.. i'm already conditioning myself that we are to lose him.. that this is the time.. though at some point in me still praying so hard for the life extension.. i was praying, if the Almighty will take him today, make it easy for him,for our entire family, if its time then im gonna accept it..but at some corner of heart im still praying he will live a longer... and Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah for thousand times,he's back to his senses, hope it will last for another 10 or 20 years pls?? Yah Allah, pls? Or if im asking for the impossible, then at least 5 years..i want him to witness the realization of his dreams in madrasah Bahrul Hayat.. . Please pls..
Alhamdulillah for today
Sept 29, 2023
Yah Allah, i really want to believe you'll grant my prayer, but i don't know if im praying for impossible... i can see my father really wants to live longer and witness the success of the madrasah he established... i'm not sure if we handle it without Him.. that's why im really praying he'll live longer... but im so scared ... Astagfirullah.. Astagfirullah
October 1,2023
7am
Yah Allah Alhamdulillah for everything, Astagfirullah for being weak... i'm really breaking my heart to see him getting weak and sick each day.. despite i should be with his side but i'm dying inside seeing him weak... to see him wanting to do more on his Madrasah and yet he's weak yah allah, pls make it okay.. i hope i'll get to read this in the next five years insha'Allah and be able to tell myself,"see, the Almighty granted your Dua".... yah Allah. Please.. make him recover on this. Please please.. i know You have your plans, better than mine.. but can I request that my dua to keep my parents live longer be granted.. please yah Allah..
Today, we're going to the Madrasah.. to have a kanduli.. to meet his relatives...
10:31Pm
Yah Allah, alhamdulillah for today.. the kanduli was successful, and the Dua recited was so powerful. The Ustads, told a story about a sick man who seemed to be hopeless, all his body part were rotten except for his mind and tongue.. but he was Cured... it made me feel the relief that there's no impossible when its Allah's will... Please Yah Allah, cure our father, i'm a little ashamed asking for it because You already granted our prayers in 2019... I hope You'll give us another chance.. I can see how my father wants to live longer as there is so much to do with the Madrasah and the Madaris... we can't make it without him. Pls. Yah Allah, extend his life, as well as our mother, give her strength to pass through this...
Alhamdulillah, it was raining so hard when we were on our way the venue... surprisingly, the weather is good when we arrived.. I know its You... Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah
October 4, 2023
Yah, Allah, Alhamdulillah, i was accepted to a workshop in Pakistan, and I also have an upcoming travel to Thailand (for a SPL)... and somewhat I am excited and grateful for the opportunity... but on the other side, my heart is torn coz I'll be leaving home .. especially with the condition of my father... that's why, for my peace of mind while engaging activities outside country, please do take care of my parents... please keep them healthy.. i know they're not healthy that much anymore, but i'm praying so hard, they'll live longer... we need them.. the Madrasah Bahrul Hayat needs them.
October 5 2023
Yah allah, i cant concentrate on my work because I been thinking of my father and mother who's taking care of him right now.. i'm so scared that something might happen anytime soon.. i'm not ready.. i dont i will ever be ready... but please give us more time
October 6, 2023
Yah Allah.. im scared everyday.. i know i should trust You, and im trusting You... i'm just scared.. Yah Allah, please cure our father, you're the only one who can cure him... please yah Allah, I'm begging.. im really praying hard, You'll grant this. insha'Allah
Astagfirullah for I am scared.
October 8, 2023
Alhamdulillah, our father is well today.. but for my ultimate prayer that my parents lives can extend up to 10 to 20 years... it's a miracle from You . I'm losing hope with the medicines... now, we greatly rely on You
October 17, 2023
Yah, yesterday and this morning is another heartbreaking moment.. its really hard to see him almost unconscious and not eating.. although at some point last night while I massaged him, he smiled. Alhamdulillah... Yah Allah, pls. Heal him. Pls.. i know he's old and honestly im hopeless with the medicines and the way he is now... But You're whom I'm relying to.. pls Yah Allah.
October 22, 2023
Yah Allah, I'm about to travel to Thailand and Pakistan, but I feel anxious... Because I feel like I shouldn't be traveling while my father is ill... What happen something happen while I'm there? Yah Allah, please don't let it happen. Please, I apologize for being scared when I should be putting my full trust in You. Please ease away my pains and worries.
October 22, 2023
Yah Allah, ease away the pain my father is feeling.. i'm really feeling sad to see him that way.. I know he wants to do more, but his condition, even the way he thinks. I really dont know how can I make him feel better.. yah allah, rabbi Irhamhumma kama rabayanee saguira.. please make it easy for them
October 23, 2023
Yah Allah, i'm bound to travel to Thailand and Pakistan.. and I'm worried
October 24, 2023
Yah Allah, please guide me with the decision I'm making... Some things are getting rough, but its okay. So long as my father is feeling better. But Yah, why he thinks differently? Is it just because of the medicine? Yah Allah, we are so unsure if we'll stop or continue the medicine..but all we want to do is take all the chances we have to make him better, so I pray that we are doing the right thing . Yah allah, in a while i'll be heading to Davao for may Bangkok trip.. please guide me
Oct 25, 2023
Yah Allah, please watch over my parents, while I'm away. Keep them well please... Next to that prayer, if its not much to ask is keep us safe on this travel. May I go home insha'Allah without regrets.
October 31 2023
Yah Allah
November 27, 2023
3am
Yah, Alhamdulillah for the gift of life extension.. despite the hard ship.. I'm thankful.. despite how scared I am right now.. Yah Allah, I know Your Will will prevail, but if I have to pray and ask, Please heal my father, seeing him suffering while eager to live longer is tearing my heart into million pieces. Please yah Allah, make him witness the success of what he wished to establish, his Madrasah... I know we shouldn't be attached to this world as this is only a test.. and i know the suffering of palestine is more than this..and lots of people lost their loved ones.. Astagfirullah, I am ashamed for asking this when already extended his life for almost 4 years... My personal reason for having a father for a longer time is secondary to that seeing my father wanting to live longer, eat w/o vomitting.. he's taking his med religiously but he cant take the food...Yah, Allah . I'm not sure or we don't have the choice but to follow the doctor's medication, I'm not sure if it is working or just makes him suffer. I don't know.. but i trust You... I maybe unsure of the meds but I rely on You.
Above all this, I pray for my mother.. she's old and tired for sure . Keep her strong.. shower her more patience..
insha'Allah.. I have to write here that everything is okay.... That You answered my prayer, insha'Allah
1:16pm
Yah Allah, what are we going to do? We can't just watch him suffer... He can't eat, he vomits.. all he takes are medicine..
I'm clueless wether, the meds are still working or he's no longer responding to it. we want to do whatever it takes to keep him feel better, but we don't know if the meds are worsening it.. Yah Allah please help us
December 5, 2023
Yah Allah. Astagfirullah Astagfirullah Astagfirullah
December 6, 2023
Yah, Allah, what's keeping my faith now is the thought that "You test those who you love", I may not be as good as my father, but surely I know he is.... that's why I know You love him, You are only testing us".... Yah Allah, hope this shall shall past anytime soon, I can see how weak my father is but at the same time, he is fighting... he didn't agree for NGT, but now he did, but unfortunately, it wasn't successful, he got hurt only. Medications seem refused by his body, so disheartening. Yah Allah, please ease the pain... I'm patient, we are patient, we are breaking our hearts seeing him that way.... Yah Allah, I believe and trust You, that after this pain, we will be fine...If I will be true to myself, I see our father really getting weak each day, no improvement yet, I'm too scared to do some research, it will disappoint me to know its hopeless.... Our only hope is YOU. Inshaallah, I will close the chapter of this page with a relief and Alhamdullillah. Inshaallah.
December 8, 2023
Yah, Allah.. its been a week since we were here in the hospital, and honestly, each day, we dont see any improvement.. he's getting weak instead.. he's not really responding to the medicine, he's not taking some oral medicine.... I don't want to entertain the thought, but we're a bit hopeless, Astagfirullah.. its breaking our heart, You are our Only Hope ... I'm really praying You'll answer my prayer very soon
December 9, 2023
Yah Allah, I'm so breaking my heart. It seems that my father is giving up, he wanted to go home already. Yah Allah, you're the only One who can ease away our pains. Yah allah, can we have him for a little longer? Please..can you make him well? Yah Allah, please?... I'm so guilty I cant stand being beside him for a longer time coz ai cant stand seeing him hurting. Yah Allah, if Im not been really a good person to pray for this, but surely our father was been really good... Please for him Yah Allah, heal him, even it seems impossible, You can do miracles.. pls Yah Allah. please Yah Allah.
I know I have nothing special that you would grant my prayers, the Palestine needed you more, my friend lost both her parents and her brother, my only child cousin lost her mom so early, my cousin Musy lost her father at the early age as well..... Knowing this, I am ashamed, Astagfirullah.
But please, Yah Allah?
December 11, 2023
6am
Yah Allah, Alhamdulillah for another day. Today our father will under go a process to remove water in his tummy, we're not sure if this is the best thing to do, but Yah Allah, since we dont know, I pray You're with us today.. That this is the best thing to do, that he will feel better after this. Yah Allah, please grant our prayers, let him live longer, let him witness the success of the Bahrul Hayat. Please Yah Allah
10.29 pm
Yah Allah. Alhamdulillah for today.. the procedure didn't pursue and im not sure if its a good sign or not.. the doctor said that that water may be flashed thru urinating... But she cant put the PEG yet, which means he still couldn't eat. The other doctor asked if we want to resuscitate him if "the time comes".. huhu.. .our mother said no .. so, are we giving up now? Even the doctor seems to give up.. but I'm not giving up on You , Yah Allah.. Yah Allah, if the 20, 10 years extension is impossible, then 5 years will do .. if still not doable , then can he just witness the approval of MPOS and the subsidy? Can he witness the completion of the buildings especially the Mosque he wanted for Bahrul Hayat? If still not doable, then just don't make it hard for us, so hard that it will haunt me forever.. our father wanted to live longer.. we can see it, despite the hardship. yah Allah. Please.
December 14, 2023
Yah Allah, Alhamdullillah that we still have our father.. Alhamdulillah for the life extension you gave him when he got ill in 2019, its one of my happiest days in my life that I wont trade it for anything. Alhamdullillah that in 2019 when it happened, the COVID didn't start yet, now that he's sick again, the restrictions due to COVID were lifted. We don't know how to handle this if during COVID. Yah Allah, I'm very grateful, but I'm very scared as well. He requested to go home from the hospital even he's not well yet. Is he giving up? Are they giving up? Yah Allah, I'll be honest, looking at his condition, it seems that he's really tired and weak. No medicine can cure him... I'm really breaking my heart seeing him... I wanted to be with his side as always, but I feel like I'm dying when I can see his pain. Astagfirullah. Astagfirullah..Astagfirullah... I know, we should be ready, we will never be ready, but we should. Yah Allah, You're my only hope. All my trust that he'll be fine, I entrust in YOU. PLease yah Allah
December 15, 2023
Yah, Allah I'm feeling tired, Astagfirullah. It's friday, they said there's a point in this time that You grant prayers.. But I think You grant prayers anytime You want. Yah Allah, I know You know what's in my heart. Yah Allah.. I remember my deceased aunt and uncle, my father's siblings, they did not recover with their seckness until the Almighty took them. Will my father be spared? Only Allah knows.
December 16, 2023
Yah Allah, i'm trying to bear a beautiful patience, I know You are just testing us.. our heart is broken.. each day, our father is getting weaker, physically.. with his condition, he's not getting any better.. Astagfirullah.. but my Trust You, its always there. Yah Allah, please??
December 20, 2023
Yah, Allah, I'm not tired of taking care of our father, but Astagfirullah, my heart is. I'm so pitying him with his condition, as well as my mother. Yah Allah, I hope you wont take him away from us just because I'm tired, I pray You make him well. No sign yet, that he's getting better, instead its the opposite, but I'm not losing him, You'll make him improve his condition. Inshaallah
December 21, 2023
Yah Allah.. Alhamdulillah for another day... Yah Allah Astagfirullah its really breaking my heart, my father is trying to say something but I couldn't understand.. Insha'Allah, I will understand why this is happening... Why despite the kindness and good intentions of my father in this world and the hereafter, he was tested with this kind of sickness... Surely, You are surely testing us.. insha'Allah, he will be better, You're the Only source I believed could cure him. Insha'Allah
December 22, 2023
Yah Allah, Alhamdulillah for another day..yah Allah, I'm still praying You'll get him well despite all the signs and his physical appearance is really not in a good shape, Astagfirullah, its breaking my heart.
December 23, 2023
Yah Allah, by the looks of it, it seems that You will take him very soon, Astagfirullah, I'm not in the position to predict that, but I'm not giving up, coz You can do miracles .
December 24, 2023
Yah Allah, why it is so hard?? Is it the time? It's okay if that's Your Will.. But at this very seems to be an impossible moment, I'm still prayong so Hard that You'll give him another chance to live longer.. It's up to You.
December 26, 2023
1:00am now while I'm watching my father on his bed, he's really suffering yah Allah, if only I cant endure part of it . Yah, at some point I know this is happening, you test us coz You love us. I hope insha'Allah, I'll understand further.. this is almost unbearable... But You wont give us something we cant bear.
8:21pm
Alhamdulillah Yah Allah from the good words from the visitors. Yah Allah, Astagfirullah I'm still praying You will heal him despite the difficulty of his state now... But if that contribute to his suffering, then I'll entrust to You what's best. I don't know what to do Yah Allah, just praying for Ease Yah Allah .
9:54pm
Yah Allah, Im now watching our father... He's having difficulty in breathing due to sticky phlegm that we don't know how to remove.. Yah Allah, I hope I know what to do in times like this but I don't know... So I just watch him with that state.. its breaking my heart.. watching him in pain, just literally watching him.. Astagfirullah.. yah Allah, grant us Ease
December 27, 2023
10:30am
Yah ALLAH, as long as he breath, I'm not losing hope that You'll heal him, despite the obvious state that recovering is next to impossible. If the Almighty has other plans, I'll accept it. If my father is suffering because I wanted him live longer, then I'll put all my trust to the Almighty... I'm dying inside watching him suffer. Astagfirullah.
La Hawla Walla Ku Wata Illah Billah.
10:58pm
Yah Allah, I cant endure seeing my father that way.. Astagfirullah.. yah Allah, grant us ease..im breaking my heart everyday
December 28, 2023
Yah Allah Alhamdulillah for another day. We don't know until when we have our father with us. Astagfirullah, if sometimes I can't endure watching him,,, it's really breaking my heart. Inshallah, I'll understand more why this is happening, why my father suffers despite the good things that he have done, despite the DUA I'm making... Inshaallah, I'll understand the plans of the Almighty Allah
December 29, 2023
Yah Allah, its almost unbearable... Astagfirullah..
By the looks of it, any moment from now, You will take him.. Astagfirullah.. Yah, it maybe impossible but I'm still praying You'll heal him.. but if this is the reason why he suffers more then I'll entrust to You everything..
Some of our visitors advised us to remove the oxygen and dextrose, but I refused to, we'll do what we can do, only Allah decides when to take ones life..
Yah Allah, please, ease us pain.. my father, my mother and the rest of the family.. I feel like dying each day.
December 30, 2023
Past 6pm.. after i prayed my Maghrib Prayer... My prayer was answered, and that is, the end of the suffering of my father.. Innalillahi Wa inna Ilayhi Rajion.
