Things I couldn't say to 5 People
1. First thing is for my little niece. Yes, I couldn't 't tell her because she's only a year and a half old.. she may not understand me now.
You may not be my own, because I'm just your Tita (auntie), but I love you so much more than you'll ever know, you, your little sister and your cousin, are treasures to me. I never thought I could manage to take care of you from your early months (so timing I resigned from my job) till I went back to work. I didn't much of dull days during my jobless days because you were there. And now, I get to see you often, my love for you didn't subside, and it will never be. Your videos and pictures sent to me are whats keeping me alive on my empty room, far away from all of you. Going home always excites me because I know I'll be seeing you. I hope and pray, you'll grow up healthy, kind hearted and nice to your Tita.. It's bit frustrating everytime you can't recognize me for not seeing me too long... but it doesn't matter.. you'll always be my baby..
2. Hi. Still mad at me? I'm sorry if I get tired of drama that I'm not doing any move now. It's not that I'm giving up on our friendship, but its just that, I need to take time accepting or be happy on what you want me to be happy about. But whatever your decisions right now, I'll always be that friend you used to know... don't mix that up with the things I can't agree of.. Your decisions are yours, no objections, never will I object of the things that would make you happy.. but don't push me to feel what you want me to feel, you, nor I, can't control that.. No matter how I try to be happy when it's not what I feel, then it will never be... I'm just honest here. But I promise I'll try, surely someday, it would be okay, maybe not now. I tried to think about why I can't be completely happy for this, no matter how I dictate to feel the other way. It can be too selfish. Yes, I'm worried for you to jump on things so impulsively, but as I've said, if it makes you happy then go for it. Maybe I'm sad for myself, because things will change now. You're that one of a kind friend who accepts even the worst side of me... the only one who listens and never get tired of my nonsense blah blah down to my deep thoughts.. But since things will change now, say you're going to marry the person you met just few weeks ago, I can't talk to you often. So its better this way, I need to train myself talking to no one. haha.. and please understand that I may not attend that special day because it will gonna hurt me only. It will only remind me how cruel life for me, you all guys are getting married, and I'm left alone, and I get to witness that. Then people will ask me, hey, "how bout you?"... please don't make it hard for me to find answers to that.
And one thing, this I admit is selfish, you always take care of me, my host, my cook, my home when I can't have a shelter to spend to , my alibi when I feel the world embarrass me.... which means no one would do that when I go to your wedding day. Would you watch over someone other than your Man on your wedding day??? haha... ofcourse I can't let you! Get your attention wholly to your husband-to-be.. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine... I may not be there, I may not be completely happy for myself ( yes, not for you), but please don't mind me... There are too many lonely people in the world, not finding the love of their life, don't join us, go get seize your happiness. :)... I'll always be your friend, nothing will change, maybe its you who would change, married life you know! haha thank you for everything.. and I'm not really lonely, I wont tolerate that. so be happy!
3. Hey boss. I hope in its smallest possible way, you wouldn't find this page. haha. You know what, I'm thankful I have a job, that you put me on this... But sometimes, you make me me feel that I have a terrible boss, that any moment, I would grab my bag and leave and never return. Don't worry, I once had a monster boss in my first job, and you're way much nicer than him. At the moment, I'm not really pestered by you, glad its not everyday. You're generally a good person that's why I'm staying despite those days you're being so inconsiderate, boastful and mean. No ones really perfect... You know what's so irritating sometimes? When you question my "leave" which I believe is very often... I'm working so I can go some places, it inspires me to work harder... So if you'll stop me to do the things I love, then what am I working for? You might gonna lose me, so better careful with your words.. haha.. do I sound threatening?
4. In every post like this, "my unspoken words to someone", you're always on it. I guess you're my favorite canvas, I can't count how many letters I've wrote for you, maybe if every words were written on the stars, then you might be reading the sky till your hair turns gray.
Those letters include those days I was happy with your presence down to you - breaking my heart unconsciously. You know, I still hate you, though I must not.. but despite that, I still want to talk to you about everything... I wanna tell you about how my day was, how tired I am and even to that little kitten who made me smile awhile ago... But I know , none of this you wanna hear. We look at things differently, I settle for less while you settle for things I couldn't give. I still question why it's so easy for you to be gone by not saying goodbye.. ? Was it easier that way or because I was nothing to you that you wouldn't mind how I'll feel after all? I wish I had your farewell, maybe I could smile everytime I'll remember you because I knew I had you, not like this, you're distorting my face everytime I remember you!, I'm becoming more ugly.. haha... So these unspoken words will remain here just like those letters that soon and hopefully will lose its meaning. It's kinda taking too long or maybe everything is okay now, I'm just so used to writing about you. I miss you sometimes, but I hate you most of the times. I know I should not. I'm sorry if I hate you.
5. Finally, my last one here is for my stupid soulmate. haha... where in the world are you? I've been given you so much extension but you're abusing it. I know I'm hard to find... and its going to be much harder because I'm trying to be unreachable to everyone... So goodbye now!
