Sad movie

 Im currently watching 'How to make Millions before grandma dies".  Why its making me cry... Im not even half way of the movie,but I shed so many tears already. I'm not sure if its really a tearjerking movie or its making me miss my late father, or it makes me think of my future when i grow old... Whose gonna take care of me when i grow old. Hahaha... Im not really worrying about that,but this movie is making me sad.

Can't wait for another trip

 After my Europe trip, I thought I'm done travelling or at least lessened it coz I've finally been to my dream countries, especially Switzerland.. But now, I wanted to travel mooooore...

I still want to go back to Europe, because I wasn't able to visit Austria, Slovenia, Hungary and other parts of Europe,, but maybe few years from now, inshallah.

I'm eyeing central asia, in Kazakhstan in particular.

Feeling stupid 11.6.2025

Nov 6. 2025 8pm

I feel really stupid today, so stupid that I need to write it coz I've got no one to talk to.... I mean, I should keep it to myself coz I should pretend that I'm fine.... Coz I need to be fine.... eerrrrr... basta naiinis ako.... My answer to our activity today is so nakakahiya... errrr....  Im so embarrassed .

Nov 7. 2025, 7:28am

Woke up still feeling ashamed....  I need to make bawi to prove that im not stupid.. hahahw.. eshhhh

9.19pm

Feeling a bit better, did something a bit better in our activity today ...

November 8, 2025, 

In terms of the official activity, i feel better today coz presented twice with a positive remarks. But i feel bad again of that ice breaker where my age was revealed publicly, and still single at 41.... Errrrr... I'm in denial with other people, but I'm okay with being single at 41... If you'll see what's inside me, im really okay with that despite that sadness sometimes.... I can handle that .. but what i can't almost not handle is the judgement of the people when they make me feel that it isn't normal to be single at 41.... That's why, sometimes, I dont wanna be with some people .. i just wann be with my family,.. my nieces are one of my happy pills aside from travelling....

insha'Allah, I can handle this 

European Dreams

 September 18, 2025

LOL... yeah, starting this post by laughing out loud  ... but not so loud coz I'm still in the office having my lunch break. It seems impossible at the moment to dream about European travel, but I'm badly feeling like I need it ASAP. You know, traveling is somewhat my happy pill, and I'm already done visiting my bucket list of countries in Asia... now I want to move to Europe, I mean, travel there... I'm so desperate,   it's just that my budget for my travel goals this time isn't enough yet.. ahahahaha.. All my previous travel, I ensured that I had sufficient fund for that, not sacrificing my few savings... but this time, I don't know why I can't wait, even though I haven't save enough for this yet.

Why do I want it so bad, as in ASAP, early next year?

1. Because I feel too old, maybe if I delay it, I won't be able to go.. I'm already feeling so many sickness nowadays, just like now, I'm feeling a little dizzy Lol.. Observing my hypertension as well... Though I'm praying really hard to keep myself healthy

2.  In 2023, I remembered telling my stories to my father, stories about my Pakistan trip. I was sitting at his deathbed, but he was so sick I couldn't finish sharing my travel experiences. A month after that, he passed away. Now, I want to travel in Europe while my mother is still with us, so she can listen to my travel stories... (though she's against at me traveling alone.. hehe) but I know she's happy too in my every successful trip.

3. Because I need a break from work... well, I always need a break.. lol. My job and my position is somewhat consuming my energy everyday, busy or not busy. I'm not totally happy here, or should I say, I'm still having Monday morning sickness. I don't like the management, and my xxxxxf, hope he wont find this.. coz I'm happy everytime he's absent (yung ganon) hehe... good thing he's literally always absent... This is not the right post to detail my job position right now, but I may be anxious reporting to work daily, but I'm grateful I'm able to help the farmers/Fisherfolk... and I'm receiving my salary.... My salary, which is my sole source of income... hahaha... (syempre di ako umaasa sa mga contractors namin.. hahaha,,, sa kaso ng Pilipinas now, you know what I mean).

4. And of course I'm desperate to visit Europe, coz who's not??? Switzerland is my favorite.

5. My life is too lonely and dull hahaha.. I'm only excited and happy when I travel.

Now why I'm hesitating?

1. Coz I don't have enough funds yet...I need to save more. Lol

2.  I'm torn between performing Umra or Pilgrimage to Mecca first. But if I do the pilgrimage, it will take time too for me to save more than what I need for Europe, and I'm waiting for my sister for this.. Maybe in three years from now, Inshaallah. For the Umra (lesser cost), yes, if only my Mom would go this year. Coz, if not only for her, I'll do and wait for the pilgrimage na lang..

3. There could be more important things that I should spend my money on.

Hmmmm.. so what now??? What should I do? I hope the Almighty will guide me on this. Praying that He will allow me to travel more and witness His beautiful creation... Inshaallah

December 1, 2025

I started this blog by laughing at myself , coz it seems impossible to achieve that European Dreams, but guess what? I already had my VISA.. hehe.. Alhamdullillah. Last October 17, I had a scheduled Biometric for the visa processing, and just few weeks ago, my Passport arrived with the attached VISA on it, Alhamdullillah, so now I think I'm a little close to the reality. Coz the pre requisite of goin there is 1st , the Visa, checked!, then second , Funds, not much but i already had reservations, yung tipong parang nakasanla na yung ATM card ko haha, then lastly and most importantly is GOD's WILL.... so I'm praying He'll allow me to... Below are my major prayers so I'll have a successful travel:

    1. The tour agency will find me a female solo traveler (a good one), to partner with me, so I don't have to pay the single supplement, ang mahal din ng single supplement... Solo Traveler problem here.. hehe

   2. Smooth processing and issuance of my TRAVEL AUTHORITY, so no issue with the immigration.

     3. My mom and siblings will be healthy and safe, so I wont be bothered while preparing for the travel, I'll have a peace of mind during the travel... I'm praying for this all the time though, but doubled when I'm not around due to travel.

    4. No turbulence during the flights

    5. I wont get sick during the travel. May hypertension wont get worse there.

    6. Safe travels, since some European countries are also known of pickpockets and scam

    7. I won't have dysmenorrhea or abnormal menstrual cycle / discharge during the travel. Or hoping it will be tolerable.

January 15, 2026

At this point of time, I've paid the travel agency in Full, I have my leave form, an approved visa and already submitted my request for Travel Authority. I have the partial fund, other than what I paid the agency, but I still have less than three months to collect my pledged savings for this. Lol.. I'm really praying it will come true, and no major obstacles will get in the way.

March 2, 2026

Alhamdullillah. Less than a month now, and my planned trip to Europe will commence, INSHAALLAH.. INSHAALLAH.. INSHAALLAH. The war now in the middle east is bothering me, not only because many lives are affected (which is really saddening), but also the layover of our flight is in OMAN. Hope it wil be okay soon and will not hamper my European dream.

April 14, 2026

Alhamdullillah, had a successful European Trip last March 29 - April 11, 2026, I was really happy and feeling blessed. Below are my updates on the fear I listed last December 1.

 1. The tour agency will find me a female solo traveler (a good one), to partner with me, so I don't have to pay the single supplement, ang mahal din ng single supplement... Solo Traveler problem here.. hehe - I was paired with someone who is travelling with two companions, so she chose to be with her companion in their room, so I was solo in the room, and that made me the happiest! In the bus, I was also sitting alone in my seat most of the time, at the window side, superb!  But don't get me wrong, I maybe an introvert but I found  friends and good people there. Alhamdullillah.

   2. Smooth processing and issuance of my TRAVEL AUTHORITY, so no issue with the immigration. - had minor problem with my ATA, but it was resolved and had a smooth transaction in the immigration.

    My domestic flight going to manila was also delayed for more than 5 hours, but the good thing was, my gcash card arrived that day, so my brother brought it in the airport. My gcash card is very useful in Europe. Alhamdullillah

     3. My mom and siblings will be healthy and safe, so I wont be bothered while preparing for the travel, I'll have a peace of mind during the travel... I'm praying for this all the time though, but doubled when I'm not around due to travel. - They were all healthy and safe, Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

    4. No turbulence during the flights - Not so extreme, light ones and tolerable. Alhamdulillah

    5. I wont get sick during the travel. May hypertension wont get worse there. - Sometimes, I felt sick in the morning , maybe due to the changes on the weather and tired of walking , daily packing and transferring our luggage... but I was fine generally, alhamdullillah

    6. Safe travels, since some European countries are also known of pickpockets and scam - travelled safe, nothing bad happened, oh, i was tripped in Paris and hurt my knee on the second day, but I'm okay, my happiness outshone the pain hehe.. alhamdulillah.

    7. I won't have dysmenorrhea or abnormal menstrual cycle / discharge during the travel. Or hoping it will be tolerable. - In the past months, I had an irregular period, unfortunately, I had my period in the first day, on the plane!, something I prayed wont happen but alhamdulillah, it was manageable. The good side, I didn't have to worry about it in most of my days, as it happened in the early days.

Overall, I had a successful trip, Alhamdulillah

It's been a long time since I posted my photos in blogger. Yes, this is me now.

9.12.25

 I want to write something... but i don't know why it's too hard doing that nowadays... 

my 4th of June Thoughts

Sometimes I miss writing, but I'm too lazy to write... If only my thoughts can be transcribed directly in this page, then I will. 

I wanted to write about my trip to Dubai and Abu Dhabi as I missed my travel blogs. It's been a month since I visited the UAE, and the obstacles I've been through before it came true and the experience itself is worth writing, but as I've said, I'm lazy... lol

I wanted to write how pressured I am in my current job, torn between being good but martyr, and "just do what I can with the given time and resources, no pressures.".... I wanted the latter , but sometimes I'm exceeding to that, lol.

missing Aya, always

 missing Ayah, our dear father, so much.. it's been a year since he left, but the pain will never heal... remembering him always makes me cry... seeing his old laptop on the glass shelve, breaks my heart. I remembered him so patiently working there, despite me being so impatient that his laptop is too slow, but he was so patient.. Seeing his phone that my little nephew is now playing with.... i clearly remember him using it.... by just writing this... its making me cry... Yah Allah, please position him in your paradise... I miss him so much

The Planned Trip to Dubai

 

12/12/24 9:49am

Can I get there???

UAE, particularly in Dubai, is one of those countries I wish I could visit... When I graduated college, I planned to work there but it didn't come true. So I told myself, I will just visit there Inshallah. 

Now It's about to come true this January, I'm ready and excited... I've paid my advance payment to the travel agency, but something happened to my friend who is supposed to be my travel partner for this trip... Something good to happen for her... too good that she might cancel our Dubai plans.... I'm happy for her though, but I'm sad for myself hahaha... coz, if she cancels the Dubai, I can't get go too coz it is a minimum-for-two package..... hayssss... this is the bad side of having very limited friends, and few options... I'm fine with my being an introvert though....

I'm praying, I can still go this January. Please. The Almighty may help me conspire with the Universe.

9.21Pm

And she's cancelling! I knew it, I felt it... arghh.. I don't know now.. sooooo sad right now... I mean, I don't wanna be selfish.... that's why I just have to be sad.. I'll be fine tomorrow. hope so.

12/13/2024

So, Finally, I decided to cancel it. My friend seems undecided and preoccupied. She's like, can we cancel it? o, wait, lets pursue it, okay we'll go, can we refund? blah blah, then finally saying, let's pursue it.... But I decided, to cancel it, though it saddened me deep inside. I know, she might not enjoy it coz she'll be preoccupied with that Good thing about to happen to her... mapipilitan lang syang samahan ako if ever, so ako na lang nag decide, to just give it up now.

Someday, I can still go to Dubai, Inshallah

May 8, 2025

I wasn't able to update this, but finally, I was able to make it. I've been to Dubai already. Just got home, had that trip from May 1 to 5.. and it was an amazing experience. ALHAMDULILLAH, it went successful.

12.4.24

 9.22 am

I'm currently alone in the office now, our engineers are mostly on travel, and our chief is I'm not sure what time he'll be coming. I'm supposed to be busy right now, but I sort of don't know what to do first. I want to burst out some of my rants, but what if they find my page?...  what if the concerned person finds this,, why so paranoid? Nobody reads blogs nowadays na.. hehe.. I stopped writing as well,,, siguro dahil okay lang ako... you know, I write with a heavy heart, I can write with a heavy heart I mean.. hehe... now, I'm just confused.

Life update at 10.12.2024

 Hi. I don't know. I missed writing, but aging made me lazy. I've run out of words despite my overflowing thoughts. If I lived in the old days, with my younger self, I should have written something about the following.

* How I missed Ayah (Father), it's been almost a year since we lost him but I still miss him terribly. I cried every time I remembered him. Seeing the spots where he used to stay and the things he once owned, the old laptop that he patiently once used, his cellphone - the photos in it still could burst me to tears, and seeing the people he used to work with breaks my heart.. Everything reminded me of him.

*The travels that I missed to talk about here. I used to be so excited about writing my international trips. I didn't have a blog about how I went back to Thailand last year with my auntie. I attended the workshop in Pakistan and the friends I met there. I was not able to write about my trip to Singapore and Malaysia last August-- despite it being my third time visiting there, it made me happy. Traveling always makes me happy, my life turned out to be so far from perfect but I'm sure traveling is perfectly making me happy.

*I wanted to travel more but I find it difficult nowadays, there are some travel agencies that require a minimum of 2 people to avail, and no one is coming with me.. hahaha... I didn't really mind having few friends, but one of the downsides is, days like these. I can do solo traveling, but my target countries could be costly if I'll do it alone. I wanted to visit Turkey, Dubai, Australia, New Zealand, and my European dreams, and ofcourse perform Hajj and Umra..... Ahhhhh, I wanted to travel!!! but I need money and friends too??? haha

*I wanted to write about my status at my job. How I struggle to look at the brighter side of it. I used to be the officer in Charge of the Division where I am now. I struggled before I fully understood my role and when the official Division Chief position opened, I applied for it. (I proposed for that position anyway)... I didn't get it, someone externally was hired. I was fine with it coz what I really prayed for is that whoever will get that position is someone who truly deserves it, someone who is not toxic to work with--- that I will no longer be stressed, if that's the case, I'll be happy even if I don't get the position. .... But if you'll ask me now how I feel. I don't know. haha.... I wish to write about it, to lighten up my feelings.... hahaha... but maybe not now.

*Then finally, I wanted to write how I'm getting old!!! hahahaha..

I Want TO Write Again But I'm Too Lazy

 Yes, I wanted to write again, my thoughts, my pain, my disappointments.... as always, I can write more when I'm upset.. and I'm being a bit of  it, this past few weeks, or ever since my father passed away, I missed him everyday. 

Gotta get myself busy working now.

Missing Ayah so much

 I missed aya so much, since he passed away, i never had dreamed of him, until dawn this morning..

I'm still hurting.. even though I'm accepting it...i have so much thoughts about him... 

I'm currently at Davao now for a Team Building/Strat Plan and its breaking my heart that Ayah is no longer home when I get back..

Yah Allah, Alhamdulillah for making me not feeling the pain all the time.. but at some point, its breaking me.Astagfirullah

I miss Ayah

 i miss ayah so much.... 

MUST DELETE OLD POSTS

 Yes, reading back my old posts makes me sick haha...  maybe because that's the younger version of me and now I'm too old, I' am ashamed I've ever posted them. lol

A Prayer for My Father

December 24, 2023

In July 2023, my father was diagnosed with this critical illness. We did everything possible to cure or slow down its progress, but it seems that as the days go by, his condition has worsened. Currently, he has stopped taking his medicine, he can't eat, and drinking water is even very difficult... He has been hospitalized thrice since September... On his third admittance, he stayed for more than a week until he insisted on going home. So we are caring for him now at home. I don't want to leave his side, but seeing him in pain and uncomfortable is tearing me apart.

Each day passes by, and his condition is not improving. He won't eat, we can't understand the words he said, and he has already stopped talking. Honestly, it's not good. I'm not in the position to say what's next. Only the Almighty Allah knows.

PRAYER

Whatever the will of Allah, I will accept, as I believe, He's the best planner. But if I have to make Dua, I will ask to extend my father's life for 20 years or more, which seems impossible,  then 10, or five, or at least he finishes what he wanted for the Madrasah he established and the Review Center. I know by the looks of it, it seems impossible, with his current condition, he doesn't look that well. It's like I'm praying for rain in the Sahara. Only Your miracles will save him, and I believe in You. But if You won't grant it for some reason, then my DUA or prayer will just make it easy for him and the rest of the family.

ALHAMDULILLAH

Alhamdulillah for the gift of life, that we still have our father at this moment. When you granted my prayer to get him well last 2019, that was one of the happiest moments of my life. I won't trade it for anything. You've already extended his life before. Alhamdulillah, that this is not happening during COVID, I can't imagine how hard that could be. Alhamdulillah, that we still have him at the moment. Alhamdulillah, through this suffering, I'm becoming closer to You. Alhamdulillah, through the unfortunate event, our family is united and strengthened

PATIENCE/ SABAR

If only we knew what to do, then we would have done that. We tried the medication with his doctor's advice, and we thought that it was only the side-effect of his becoming weak each day.... but now, it seems that the medication didn't work for him until he stopped taking it. We're trying everything, but we just don't know what would make him feel better.

ASTAGFIRULLAH

May the Almighty forgive me if I can't get rid of unwanted thoughts. Our father is a good person; he intends to advocate education that would benefit one from this world and the hereafter. He's patient and kind, Astaghfirullah. I can't avoid asking why this is happening to him. Indeed, the Almighty tests those he loves.

ACCEPTANCE

All of these are meant to happen; it was the will of Allah. I'm just taking my chances through my DUAs and prayers that the Almighty will heal him.

I feel ashamed if I sounded demanding in my prayers. I’m feeling ashamed every time I remember the condition of Palestine, my close friends who lost both parents, and my cousins at a young age who also lost one of their parents.

I wanted him to live longer coz there was something, so much to do. He has started something that hasn't come to success yet, I'm hurting that it might just go to waste, Astaghfirullah. But I know that's how the world is, surely those who already passed away had some unfinished business too. Because this world is temporary, what matters is how we live it.

I'm reminding myself not to say "If only I had done such and such...." but rather think "It is the Decree of Allah and He does whatever He Wills. Know that Everything is by the QADR of Allah.

"Through this trial, Allah has opened up a huge world of Ibadah like SABR, SALAH, repentance, etc."

"Through this trial, Allah is putting us on the path of the Prophets. It is a confirmation that Allah loves us. The more Allah loves somebody, the more He tests them."

TAWWAKKUL

Despite my DUA, I entrust to You everything. Now, the only medication left is the miracle that the Almighty Allah may grant upon us. Inshallah.

Yah Allah, please keep me strong, as well as our Mother. Grant us ease and acceptance on whatever is about to come.

Insha'Allah, I will understand more why this is happening.

Prayer

 July 24, 2023

Yah Allah, I'm so scared.. I know I should trust You. You know what't best for us, You're the best planner..  but I'm too scared.. I'm too scared to lose my parents...  I know we will all die coz this world is temporary, but can I Dua for another chance?? I know You heard me last 2019 alhamdulillah for extending the life of our Father... Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.... But can I ask for another chance... Please please? I know my request seems to be impossible because my parents are old.. and they're not so healthy anymore.... But can you give them 10 or 20years more...please???  I'm not asking for so many things.. or I'll be fine if you're not going to grant my other prayers.. but can you give me this chance again?? My parents have more to do, especially the madrasah... You know I can't be as good as my father... None of my siblings do... I haven't made them happy yet...

I'm a little scared now. I'm so scared.. I know we lose people because You want to remind us life is temporary.. that we must not be too attached to this world.. Astagfirullah.. Astagfirullah.. forgive me for praying this... Astagfirullah for being so weak... Please, please.. can you extend their life please??

July 25, 2023

Today is our father's ct scan.. and I'm so scared....I'm praying that the result is something curable or he will be able to tolerate it to live a longer.. pls Yah Allah .. i know i have nothing special for You to grant my prayers, many people who really even deserve to grant their prayers, but still Your Will will prevail.... I know Your Will is what's best and Astagfirullah Astagfirullah Astagfirullah if I want to demand what's in my heart.. i'm really sorry that I'm so weak... I'm just too scared I can't handle it... I dont know if I deserved now for my prayer to be granted... I'm feeling really sad and worried . Yah Allah forgive me... Give me strength.. praying you'll extend my parents' life for 10 years or more... I promise to be better.

July 26, 2023

Yah Allah, I know Your will is the good one, can I pray for my father's sickness not that harsh? Please yah allah. Let him live longer, I know how He wants to witness the realization of the madrasah he established.. we can't be better than him... I know everything happens for a reason.. alhamdulillah, in this trial, You are being closer to us.. and I wont forget Your Mercy in 2019, its one of the best thing ever happened to us... Alhamdulillah... Forgive me if I can't get enough that I'm requesting for another 10 or more years...i think its too much... But I'm really praying so bad for it...

Hope today's result will be tolerable for all of us.please yah allah

July 29, 2023

Yah Allah, I'm still scared,I can't even ask how my father is doing right now, or how's the check up..it seems that I don't want to know what is his condition coz i'm too scared to accept it. Yah Allah forgive me if this is wrong.. i'm too weak. Astagfirullah.. there's not a single moment that i wish my parents would live longer... I never had a family of my own.. but i'm fine with it as long as I have them... I know we can't have each other forever.. and i can't choose for the time You will take us.. but I'm praying so hard that when that time comes, it's not too painful.. we have served our purpose in the world and You are pleased with us so we will be reunited in Jannah.. I have lots of prayers but if only I got one, then that's the longevity and health of the family. Waitu Maridtu Fahuwa Yashfeen....  Forgive me Yah Allah for being so weak...

July 29,2023

4:09Pm

At Naia Terminal 2.. waiting for boarding the plane bound to Davao City. Flights never cease to scare me.. but nothing scares me more than knowing my father's condition... Im not really seeing my family's active group chats and im paranoid why... And i'm too scared to ask.. forgive me once again Yah Allah.. make me strong, keep my parents  live a longer life..  keep me safe on my flight, especially there's a possibility of typhoon coming

July 30,2023

Home. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.. i still dont know the real condition of my father.. but at the moment he's doing well..he'll undergo some medication which we pray he can handle the side effects

August 29, 2023

I still haven't asked for the detailed diagnosis of my father until now, though he is in undergoing an oral medication. He's weak due to the side effects of the medication.. but alhamdulillah, some of the pains my father was complaining about before are somewhat improving, i hope the medication is working on him.

Yah Allah, please please.. grant good health and longevity to my parents. Please.. Rabi Irhamhumma kama rabayani Saguira

September 11, 2023

Yah Allah... alhamdulillah for each day i'm waking up knowing my siblings, nieces and nephew... especially our parents are still with us.. Alhamdulillah...

My friend just lost her father. Now she lost her two parents.. i know its too painful, its something i know would happen to everyone but I don't know how can we endure when our time comes... i know my friend prayed so hard for her parents too, but it's Allah's will...  pls Allah,grant the bereaved family ease.. grant her parents space in Jannah.

Sept 21, 2023

Today was the toughest of this journey. I thought we're going to lose him... my siblings gathered in his hospital bed..  i'm already conditioning myself that we are to lose him.. that this is the time.. though at some point in me, I'm still praying so hard for the life extension.. i was praying, if the Almighty will take him today, make it easy for him, for our entire family, if its time then im gonna accept it..but at some corner of heart im still praying he will live a longer... and Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah for thousand times, he's back to his senses, hope it will last for another 10 or 20 years pls?? Yah Allah, pls? Or if im asking for the impossible, then at least 5 years..i want him to witness the realization of his dreams in Madrasah Bahrul Hayat.. . Please pls..

Alhamdulillah for today

Sept 29, 2023

Yah Allah, i really want to believe you'll grant my prayer, but i don't know if im praying for impossible... i can see my father really wants to live longer and witness the success of the madrasah he established... i'm not sure if we handle it without Him.. that's why im really praying he'll live longer... but im so scared ... Astagfirullah.. Astagfirullah

October 1, 2023

7am

Yah Allah Alhamdulillah for everything, Astagfirullah for being weak...  i'm really breaking my heart to see him getting weak and sick each day.. despite i should be with his side but i'm dying inside seeing him weak... to see him wanting to do more on his Madrasah and yet he's weak yah allah, pls make it okay.. i hope i'll get to read this in the next five years insha'Allah and be able to tell myself, "see, the Almighty granted your Dua"....  yah Allah. Please.. make him recover on this. Please please.. i know You have your plans, better than mine.. but can I request that my dua to keep my parents live longer be granted.. please yah Allah..

Today, we're going to the Madrasah.. to have a kanduli.. to meet his relatives...

10:31Pm

Yah Allah, alhamdulillah for today.. the kanduli was successful, and the Dua recited was so powerful. The Ustads, told a story about a sick man who seemed to be hopeless, all his body part were rotten except for his mind and tongue.. but he was Cured... it made me feel the relief that there's no impossible when its Allah's will... Please Yah Allah,  cure our father, i'm a little ashamed asking for it because You already granted our prayers in 2019... I hope You'll give us another chance.. I can see how my father wants to live longer as there is so much to do with the Madrasah and the Madaris... we can't make it without him. Pls. Yah Allah, extend his life, as well as our mother, give her strength to pass through this...

Alhamdulillah, it was raining so hard when we were on our way the venue... surprisingly, the weather is good when we arrived.. I know its You... Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

October 4, 2023

Yah, Allah, Alhamdulillah, i was accepted to a workshop in Pakistan, and I also have an upcoming travel to Thailand (for a SPL)... and somewhat I am excited and grateful for the opportunity... but on the other side, my heart is torn coz I'll be leaving home .. especially with the condition of my father... that's why, for my peace of mind while engaging activities outside country, please do take care of my parents... please keep them healthy.. i know they're not healthy that much anymore, but i'm praying so hard, they'll live longer... we need them.. the Madrasah Bahrul Hayat needs them.

October 5 2023

Yah allah, i cant concentrate on my work because I been thinking of my father and mother who's taking care of him right now.. i'm so scared that something might happen anytime soon.. i'm not ready.. i dont think i will ever be ready...  but please give us more time

October 6, 2023

Yah Allah.. im scared everyday.. i know i should trust You, and im trusting You... i'm just scared.. Yah Allah, please cure our father, you're the only one who can cure him... please yah Allah, I'm begging.. im really praying hard, You'll grant this. insha'Allah

Astagfirullah for I am scared.

October 8, 2023

Alhamdulillah, our father is well today.. but for my ultimate prayer that my parents lives can extend up to 10 to 20 years... it's a miracle from You . I'm losing hope with the medicines... now, we greatly rely on You

October 17, 2023

Yah, yesterday and this morning is another heartbreaking moment.. its really hard to see him almost unconscious and not eating.. although at some point last night while I massaged him, he smiled. Alhamdulillah... Yah Allah, pls. Heal him. Pls.. i know he's old and honestly im hopeless with the medicines and the way he is now... But You're the one I'm relying to.. pls Yah Allah.

October 22, 2023

Yah Allah, I'm about to travel to Thailand and Pakistan, but I feel anxious... Because I feel like I shouldn't be traveling while my father is ill... What happen something happen while I'm there? Yah Allah, please don't let it happen. Please, I apologize for being scared when I should be putting my full trust in You. Please ease away my pains and worries.

October 22, 2023

Yah Allah, ease away the pain my father is feeling.. i'm really feeling sad to see him that way.. I know he wants to do more, but his condition, even the way he thinks. I really dont know how can I make him feel better.. yah allah, rabbi Irhamhumma kama rabayanee saguira.. please make it easy for them

October 23, 2023

Yah Allah, i'm bound to travel to Thailand and Pakistan.. and I'm worried

October 24, 2023

Yah Allah, please guide me with the decision I'm making... Some things are getting rough, but its okay. So long as my father is feeling better. But Yah Allah, why does he think differently? Is it just because of the medicine? Yah Allah, we are so unsure if we'll stop or continue the medicine..but all we want to do is take all the chances we have to make him better, so I pray that we are doing the right thing. Yah Allah, in a while i'll be heading to Davao for my Bangkok trip. Please guide me

Oct 25, 2023

Yah Allah, please watch over my parents while I'm away. Keep them well, please... Next to that prayer, if its not much to ask, keep us safe on this travel. May I go home insha'Allah without regrets.

October 31 2023

Yah Allah

November 27, 2023

3 am

Yah Allah,  Alhamdulillah for the gift of life extension.. despite the hardship.. I'm thankful.. despite how scared I am right now.. Yah Allah, I know Your Will will prevail, but if I have to pray and ask, please heal my father, seeing him suffering while eager to live longer is tearing my heart into a million pieces. Please yah Allah, make him witness the success of what he wished to establish, his Madrasah... I know we shouldn't be attached to this world as this is only a test.. and I know the suffering of Palestine is more than this..and lots of people lost their loved ones.. Astagfirullah, I am ashamed for asking this when you already extended his life for almost 4 years... My personal reason for having a father for a longer time is secondary to that, seeing my father wanting to live longer, eat w/o vomitting.. he's taking his medication religiously, but he can’t take the food...Yah, Allah . I'm not sure, or we don't have the choice but to follow the doctor's medication; I'm not sure if it is working or just makes him suffer. I don't know.. But I trust You... I may be unsure of the meds, but I rely on You.

Above all this, I pray for my mother. She's old and tired for sure. Keep her strong.. shower her more patience..

insha'Allah.. I have to write here that everything is okay.... That You answered my prayer, insha'Allah

1:16 pm

Yah Allah, what are we going to do? We can't just watch him suffer... He can't eat, he vomits. All he takes are medicine..

I'm clueless whether the meds are still working or he's no longer responding to them. We want to do whatever it takes to keep him feeling better, but we don't know if the meds are worsening it.. Yah Allah please help us

December 5, 2023

Yah Allah.  Astagfirullah Astagfirullah Astagfirullah

December 6, 2023

Yah, Allah, what's keeping my faith now is the thought that "You test those who you love", I may not be as good as my father, but surely I know he is.... that's why I know You love him, You are only testing us".... Yah Allah, hope this shall shall past anytime soon, I can see how weak my father is but at the same time, he is fighting... he didn't agree for NGT, but now he did, but unfortunately, it wasn't successful, he got hurt only.  Medications seem to be refused by his body, so disheartening. Yah Allah, please ease the pain... I'm patient, we are patient, we are breaking our hearts seeing him that way.... Yah Allah, I believe and trust You, that after this pain, we will be fine...If I am true to myself, I see our father really getting weak each day, no improvement yet, I'm too scared to do some research, it will disappoint me to know it's hopeless.... Our only hope is YOU. Inshaallah, I will close the chapter of this page with a relief and Alhamdulillah. Inshaallah.

December 8, 2023

Yah, Allah.. it's been a week since we were here in the hospital, and honestly, each day, we don't see any improvement. He's getting weak instead. He's not really responding to the medicine; he's not taking some oral medicine.... I don't want to entertain the thought, but we're a bit hopeless, Astagfirullah. It's breaking our hearts, You are our Only Hope ... I'm really praying You'll answer my prayer very soon

December 9, 2023

Yah Allah, I'm so breaking my heart. It seems that my father is giving up; he wanted to go home already. Yah Allah, you're the only One who can ease away our pains. Yah Allah, can we have him for a little longer? Please..can you make him well? Yah Allah, please?... I'm so guilty I can't stand being beside him for a longer time coz I can't stand seeing him hurting. Yah Allah, if I haven't been really a good person to pray for this, but surely our father has been really good... Please for him Yah Allah, heal him, even it seems impossible, You can do miracles.. pls Yah Allah. please Yah Allah.

I know I have nothing special that you would grant my prayers, the Palestine needed you more, my friend lost both her parents and her brother, my only child cousin lost her mom so early, my cousin  Musy lost her father at an early age as well..... Knowing this, I am ashamed, Astagfirullah.

But please, Yah Allah?

December 11, 2023

6am

Yah Allah, Alhamdulillah for another day. Today our father will undergo a process to remove water in his tummy, we're not sure if this is the best thing to do,  but Yah Allah, since we don't know, I pray You're with us today.. That this is the best thing to do, that he will feel better after this. Yah Allah, please grant our prayers, let him live longer, let him witness the success of the Bahrul Hayat. Please Yah Allah

10.29 pm

Yah Allah. Alhamdulillah for today.. the procedure didn't pursue and im not sure if its a good sign or not.. the doctor said that that water may be flashed thru urinating... But she cant put the PEG yet, which means he still couldn't eat. The other doctor asked if we want to resuscitate him if "the time comes".. huhu.. .our mother said no .. so, are we giving up now? Even the doctor seems to give up.. but I'm not giving up on You , Yah Allah.. Yah Allah, if the 20, 10 years extension is impossible, then 5 years will do .. if still not doable , then can he just witness the approval of MPOS and the subsidy? Can he witness the completion of the buildings especially the Mosque he wanted for Bahrul Hayat? If still not doable, then just don't make it hard for us, so hard that it will haunt me forever.. our father wanted to live longer.. we can see it, despite the hardship. yah Allah. Please.

December 14, 2023

Yah Allah, Alhamdullillah that we still have our father.. Alhamdulillah for the life extension you gave him when he got ill in 2019, its one of my happiest days in my life that I wont trade it for anything. Alhamdullillah that in 2019 when it happened, the COVID didn't start yet, now that he's sick again, the restrictions due to COVID were lifted. We don't know how to handle this if during COVID. Yah Allah, I'm very grateful, but I'm very scared as well. He requested to go home from the hospital even he's not well yet. Is he giving up? Are they giving up? Yah Allah, I'll be honest, looking at his condition, it seems that he's really tired and weak. No medicine can cure him... I'm really breaking my heart seeing him... I wanted to be with his side as always, but I feel like I'm dying when I can see his pain. Astagfirullah. Astagfirullah..Astagfirullah... I know, we should be ready, we will never be ready, but we should. Yah Allah, You're my only hope. All my trust that he'll be fine, I entrust in YOU. PLease yah Allah

December 15, 2023

Yah, Allah I'm feeling tired, Astagfirullah. It's friday, they said there's a point in this time that You grant prayers.. But I think You grant prayers anytime You want. Yah Allah, I know You know what's in my heart. Yah Allah.. I remember my deceased aunt and uncle, my father's siblings, they did not recover with their seckness until the Almighty took them. Will my father be spared? Only Allah knows.

December 16, 2023

Yah Allah, i'm trying to bear a beautiful patience, I know You are just testing us.. our heart is broken.. each day, our father is getting weaker, physically.. with his condition, he's not getting any better.. Astagfirullah.. but my Trust You, its always there. Yah Allah, please??

December 20, 2023

Yah, Allah, I'm not tired of taking care of our father, but Astagfirullah, my heart is. I'm so pitying him with his condition, as well as my mother. Yah Allah, I hope you wont take him away from us just because I'm tired, I pray You make him well. No sign yet, that he's getting better, instead its the opposite, but I'm not losing him, You'll make him improve his condition. Inshaallah

December 21, 2023

Yah Allah.. Alhamdulillah for another day... Yah Allah Astagfirullah its really breaking my heart, my father is trying to say something but I couldn't understand.. Insha'Allah, I will understand why this is happening... Why despite the kindness and good intentions of my father in this world and the hereafter, he was tested with this kind of sickness... Surely, You are surely testing us.. insha'Allah, he will be better, You're the Only source I believed could cure him. Insha'Allah

December 22, 2023

Yah Allah, Alhamdulillah for another day..yah Allah, I'm still praying You'll get him well despite all the signs and his physical appearance is really not in a good shape, Astagfirullah, its breaking my heart.

December 23, 2023

Yah Allah, by the looks of it, it seems that You will take him very soon, Astagfirullah, I'm not in the position to predict that, but I'm not giving up, coz You can do miracles .

December 24, 2023

Yah Allah,  why it is so hard?? Is it the time?  It's okay if that's Your Will..  But at this very seems to be an impossible moment,  I'm still prayong so Hard that You'll give him another chance to live longer..  It's up to You.

December 26, 2023

1:00am now while I'm watching my father on his bed, he's really suffering yah Allah, if only I cant endure part of it . Yah, at some point I know this is happening, you test us coz You love us. I hope insha'Allah, I'll understand further.. this is almost unbearable... But You wont give us something we cant bear.

8:21pm

Alhamdulillah Yah Allah from the good words from the visitors.  Yah Allah, Astagfirullah I'm still praying You will heal him despite the difficulty of his state now... But if that contribute to his suffering, then I'll entrust to You what's best. I don't know what to do Yah Allah, just praying for Ease Yah Allah .

9:54pm

Yah Allah, Im now watching our father... He's having difficulty in breathing due to sticky phlegm that we don't know how to remove.. Yah Allah, I hope I know what to do in times like this but I don't know... So I just watch him with that state.. its breaking my heart.. watching him in pain, just literally watching him.. Astagfirullah.. yah Allah, grant us Ease

December 27, 2023

10:30am

Yah ALLAH, as long as he breath, I'm not losing hope that You'll heal him, despite the obvious state that recovering is next to impossible. If the Almighty has other plans, I'll accept it. If my father is suffering because I wanted him live longer, then I'll put all my trust to the Almighty... I'm dying inside watching him suffer. Astagfirullah.

La Hawla Walla Ku Wata Illah Billah.

10:58pm

Yah Allah, I cant endure seeing my father that way.. Astagfirullah.. yah Allah, grant us ease..im breaking my heart everyday

December 28, 2023

Yah Allah Alhamdulillah for another day. We don't know until when we have our father with us. Astagfirullah, if sometimes I can't endure watching him,,, it's really breaking my heart. Inshallah, I'll understand more why this is happening, why my father suffers despite the good things that he have done, despite the DUA I'm making... Inshaallah, I'll understand the plans of the Almighty Allah

December 29, 2023

Yah Allah, it's almost unbearable...  Astagfirullah..

By the looks of it, any moment from now, You will take him.. Astagfirullah.. Yah Allah, it maybe impossible but I'm still praying You'll heal him.. but if this is the reason why he suffers more then I'll entrust to You everything..

Some of our visitors advised us to remove the oxygen and dextrose, but I refused to, we'll do what we can do, only Allah decides when to take ones life..

Yah Allah, please, ease us pain.. my father, my mother and the rest of the family.. I feel like dying each day.

December 30, 2023

Past 6 pm.. after i prayed my Maghrib Prayer... My prayer was answered, and that is,  the end of the suffering of my father.. Innalillahi Wa inna Ilayhi Rajion.

9.20.23

 Praying .. everything will be okay.

5 things i'm feeling right now

 1. Oh, i hate seeing myself exposed in social media.. hope you didn't comment there.. hope no one will notice... Urggh. Haha

2. That movie! RAANGI... It's annoying.. coz its painful..haha.. my kind of real life love story too?? Haha not literally... But somehow felt the same way.

3. Happy??  The bad side of me says, that spell wont go away unless I feel better, until you say what I want to hear.... But you shouldn't say anyway.... But the rational side of me says,hope you're happy.

4. I know you're kind... But your words still cut so deep.. i'm humiliated though you didn't intend to.

5. I'm still feeling not deserving... But I should believe I deserved it.

hello 2023

 staring blankly for how many minutes because I don't know what to write..... but I'm obliging myself to write for my first entry blog for 2023

10.21.22

 Just done with our Supervisory Development Course (Track II)... And it was nice learning and having so much realization. 

Anyway, I think it's almost been a year since the Head of our Agency told me that it seems that our Division is not functional. Still, it cuts so deep. In my entire working life, that's the most painful words I've ever heard... And honestly, it still makes me cry every time I remember. Is it valid or am I overreacting? It was mentioned in front of the other supervisors during our meeting, I was so hurt that I couldn't defend myself and I was so ashamed coz no matter how I tried to hide my tears on that very spot, they went out obviously... Everyone saw me crying... And I even burst out when I reached the office in front of my subordinates... I felt so ashamed... Now, that's the most embarrassing experience that I felt my self-esteem stumbled down. 

I'm not mad at the one who told me that... Because he's the Head of the Agency, he doesn't know what my team was going through so it seems that we are not functional... No one defended me. I felt helpless.  

Of course, the Head of the Agency only sees the outcome and not the process. He's right it seems that we are not functional during that time. But what hurts me is I was not able to defend myself. The process to attain what should be achieved wasn't easy, I have limited manpower & resources, I was new, so many things to be done... And God knows how I tried my very best to be efficient and effective. Every day was so stressful... And no one knows that! 

Now, I'm still trying. I'm still hurting. And I have no one to express how I feel right now. 

I'm okay anyway, Alhamdulillah.