Today's not so Okay.. but it's Okay

 

Sept 26, 2020

 I'm finally back to my senses..   Haha.. I was upset for about 3 weeks but now I'm feeling better.  Alhamdullillah.. 

Today,  i just had bonding moment with my nieces..  And my body aches a bit, coz my other niece is having her tantrums where she wants to be carried..  Eh ang bigat bigat nya..  Haha

Grocery time also with my sister and I cooked my favorite chicken dish... Medyo maalat nga lang,  pero napadami naman ako ng kain.. 

And I had also an unexpected good news,  Alhamdulillah.. 

Wala lang..  Yun lang.  Good night! 

I'M GETTING NOT SO NORMAL ON THIS NEW NORMAL

I wasn’t the best version of myself recently, actually I’m not sure if I’ve already reached that point in my life where I can say it’s the best version of myself.  But surely I’m the worst right now, everybody hates me as much as how I hated myself.  Don’t worry (oh, who’s worrying? Lol), I’m handling my terrible self well, controlling this  irrational act is tough coz I believed it’s already in my personality that attacking me from time to time, but I’ll take care of it. I just pray that this paroxysm will fade as soon as I can and when it happens I hope it’s not too late to fix the mess I caused because I can’t organize myself. I don’t want to be on that point where I couldn’t forgive myself, coz by now I’m already having resentment but I’m still not behaving righteously. Yes, despite that bad attitude I ‘m showing off, I’m really trying not to give up on my faith that everything will be okay, I struggle  so hard not to  entertain the whispers telling me that my prayers won’t be heard coz I’m being devilish (exaggerated? ). What’s exactly going on inside me head? I’m having the battle between good and bad, annoyed, irritated,  little miserable. And it happens everytime I’m feeling disappointed and I know exactly that I’m having the wrong reaction but I can’t help it. Am I crazy? Haha..

 

But I’m not here to tolerate this, I’m just writing to lighten up my heavy heart. I’m also taking advantage of the time, coz it’s when I think I could write a bit substantiated (but still terrible lol). The way I write is actually frustrating. When it’s one of the things I used to love but I can’t do it in the approved manner, it adds to this injury.

 

I’LL BE FINE… INSHAALLAH

The Struggle of an Average Introvert

 August 14, 2020

Today’s the end of my 14 day self quarantine. Nobody told me to do so but I’m being just extra cautious as I came from a high risk City. I went home after I resigned from my job and now I feel like I don’t know what to do next. I’m just wondering had I not put myself on this isolation, maybe I’ll still do the same thing—that “doing nothing, just movies, sleep, eat and plant”. That maybe I used Covid-19 as my valid excuse so I can’t be productive, and now that the 14 day is over, I’m still not going to do anything substantial, guilty! And I’m pressured!

No explaining here why I quit my job, but I’m waiting for job interviews. If this Government of ours will be fair enough in the hiring process then I vouch myself, I know I deserve a position --- But on the frustrating note, no one will back me up “inside”! I hope you know what I mean, I got myself only on this fight! I believe in myself, I don’t think they will, coz they don’t know me! Haha..  cut this, I smell bitterness already. But I’m hopeful that I’m not receiving a call yet because of the slowing down on almost everything  due to Covid-19 and not because they have forgotten about me… errr

 

Anyway, I was also thinking of putting up a business, but I don’t know what suits me. If I let this procrastination keep going, then I might lose my savings. Everyone is practicing online selling, but duh??!! What and to whom I’m gonna sell stuffs. There’s nothing wrong in online selling, but knowing me, who don’t have connections, no guts, not even too many friends,-- this trade won’t work for me.

 I was thinking of writing, nah! I just loved writing but I’m not good at it…  I tried  submitting an article to a certain website, but they refused to publish it. I’m just trying to appease  myself that what I submitted to them was really unacceptable , I wrote it  in a span of one hour early morning inspired by that dream I had, not even checking my grammar.

Habitually, my articles are for my eyes only, and for one or two persons, I’m fine with that but now that I wanted to have an extra income, I signed up for an AD, but I realized I can’t even post my blog on my other social media account, so who would see those ads? Haha

The trend now is Vlogging, but I don’t even want to see my face nor hear my voice on videos. haha

I got addicted to planting during the quarantine, I purchased seeds online. I was thinking I could establish a small garden shop if I can grow those seeds. I succeeded germinating them, but unfortunately, they died!

Wahh… I’m not good anything! What shall I do??? Lol

Enough for this crabby, I just want to mention those things so I’ll feel better.

My 9th of August 2020

I'm supposed to write and post this last night before 9th of August ends, but I spent the last hours watching the ending of Its Okay to Be Not Okay. I got tired also of gardening the entire day, my body aches a little today, haha. 

I didn't really expect birthday greetings too as I turned off the notification but when I opened my FB page, I still got this:

I'm not really celebrating my birthday but knowing some people greet you on this day is overwhelming.

So no matter how I turned off my birthday notification, I still had these comments.

I just loved that Jeny's letter to me long time ago.  I don't really have that someone who is patient enough to give me lengthy  and cheesy letters,  I'm the one who is doing that haha.  And also,  that kind of timeless friend you communicate from time to time or kahit every birthday mo lang is worth keeping. 

I got also a call from Mac.. I have very few male friends whom I am comfortable with, and he's one of them. I really appreciate him not changing all these years.

I've been doing this kind of post every 9th of August,yung mag eeffort talaga akong magscreen shot, even at this Age.. I'm really that kind of a corny person, I hate it too. hahha

Anyway, I thank everyone who greeted me, it made my ordinary day not-so-ordinary. Especially those who truly remembered that I was born in August 9.. haha... We are all busy with our different every day living that remembering your friend's birthday is not really essential, salamat sa Facebook at nagreremind sya... (while I didn't allow FB to remind you,  nasa memories lang ng iba)  hehe  Ako din naman, as in I wrote it down just now,  I can remember around 12 birthdays only of my friends. Pero tingin ko madami na yun para maalala ko. 

Anyway, natuwa lang ako sa mga pusa. wala namang konek.

Ayun,  wala naman masyadong ganap ang August 9 ko,  arte lang to kase marami akong time ngayon mag inarte.  Hahaha

Sorry if you got here and ruined your time.. 

Have a nice day.  :)

Trying my Green Thumb

Since I'm already jobless,  and been interested with plants recently,  I bought various seeds,  mostly flowering. 

August 3 and 4 , I planted them,  can't wait to see them germinate InshaAllah.. 

My Beautiful Nightmare

"6 am,  I woke up from a beautiful nighmare,

Still in my bed while I'm writing this.

It's been ages since you left without a word,

But I still miss you even when I should not. 

I stopped writing letters that only the wind could read.  I ceased wishing on the stars to get the approval of sharing our different worlds.  I halted talking about you,  even how much I wanted someone to hear our story. I guess,  nobody knows you're still breaking my heart. 

It makes me miss you even more everytime I see you in my dreams. And I'm not even hearing your voice on those.  I only see your eyes staring at me. I felt your presence walking along side but you never spoke a word.  I didn't want to wake up as I was waiting for your unspoken words,  but you never did.  Why do you always have to fade without talking to me?? 

Our story may not be One for the Books,  but it always touched my heart.  It didn't last long,  it actually never ends,  it only fades into nothingness,  but it remains in my heart.

I may not have that story that every girls were blessed with. I may have believed in a fairy tale without the Living Happily Ever After, I may looked fine on the real world, well, I am.  I needed to be fine,  so I am. 

There are just days like these,  mornings of broken heart, waking up from selfish dreams. Remembering you when I thought we are so over.  Some people really have that missing piece,  and for me,  you are the one I missed.  :)

This too shall pass,  as how those days passed me by, without knowing why I have to meet you and cherish you in my memories forever. I don't even know how you felt, do you hate me too sometimes?  I hated you sometimes. 

But it's okay,  6.55am now,  I must face the real world.  I just needed to write my heartaches so I'll be fine..... As always.  "