12.4.24

 9.22 am

I'm currently alone in the office now, our engineers are mostly on travel, and our chief is I'm not sure what time he'll be coming. I'm supposed to be busy right now, but I sort of don't know what to do first. I want to burst out some of my rants, but what if they find my page?...  what if the concerned person finds this,, why so paranoid? Nobody reads blogs nowadays na.. hehe.. I stopped writing as well,,, siguro dahil okay lang ako... you know, I write with a heavy heart, I can write with a heavy heart I mean.. hehe... now, I'm just confused.

Life update at 10.12.2024

 Hi. I don't know. I missed writing, but aging made me lazy. I've run out of words despite my overflowing thoughts. If I lived in the old days, with my younger self, I should have written something about the following.

* How I missed Ayah (Father), it's been almost a year since we lost him but I still miss him terribly. I cried every time I remembered him. Seeing the spots where he used to stay and the things he once owned, the old laptop that he patiently once used, his cellphone - the photos in it still could burst me to tears, and seeing the people he used to work with breaks my heart.. Everything reminded me of him.

*The travels that I missed to talk about here. I used to be so excited about writing my international trips. I didn't have a blog about how I went back to Thailand last year with my auntie. I attended the workshop in Pakistan and the friends I met there. I was not able to write about my trip to Singapore and Malaysia last August-- despite it being my third time visiting there, it made me happy. Traveling always makes me happy, my life turned out to be so far from perfect but I'm sure traveling is perfectly making me happy.

*I wanted to travel more but I find it difficult nowadays, there are some travel agencies that require a minimum of 2 people to avail, and no one is coming with me.. hahaha... I didn't really mind having few friends, but one of the downsides is, days like these. I can do solo traveling, but my target countries could be costly if I'll do it alone. I wanted to visit Turkey, Dubai, Australia, New Zealand, and my European dreams, and ofcourse perform Hajj and Umra..... Ahhhhh, I wanted to travel!!! but I need money and friends too??? haha

*I wanted to write about my status at my job. How I struggle to look at the brighter side of it. I used to be the officer in Charge of the Division where I am now. I struggled before I fully understood my role and when the official Division Chief position opened, I applied for it. (I proposed for that position anyway)... I didn't get it, someone externally was hired. I was fine with it coz what I really prayed for is that whoever will get that position is someone who truly deserves it, someone who is not toxic to work with--- that I will no longer be stressed, if that's the case, I'll be happy even if I don't get the position. .... But if you'll ask me now how I feel. I don't know. haha.... I wish to write about it, to lighten up my feelings.... hahaha... but maybe not now.

*Then finally, I wanted to write how I'm getting old!!! hahahaha..

I Want TO Write Again But I'm Too Lazy

 Yes, I wanted to write again, my thoughts, my pain, my disappointments.... as always, I can write more when I'm upset.. and I'm being a bit of  it, this past few weeks, or ever since my father passed away, I missed him everyday. 

Gotta get myself busy working now.

Missing Ayah so much

 I missed aya so much, since he passed away, i never had dreamed of him, until dawn this morning..

I'm still hurting.. even though I'm accepting it...i have so much thoughts about him... 

I'm currently at Davao now for a Team Building/Strat Plan and its breaking my heart that Ayah is no longer home when I get back..

Yah Allah, Alhamdulillah for making me not feeling the pain all the time.. but at some point, its breaking me.Astagfirullah

I miss Ayah

 i miss ayah so much.... 

MUST DELETE OLD POSTS

 Yes, reading back my old posts makes me sick haha...  maybe because that's the younger version of me and now I'm too old, I' am ashamed I've ever posted them. lol

A Prayer for My Father

December 24, 2023 

In July 2023 this year, my father was diagnosed with this critical illness. We did everything possible to cure or slow down its progress, but it seems that as the days go by, his condition has worsened. Currently, he has stopped taking his medicine, he can't eat, and drinking water is even very difficult... He has been hospitalized thrice since September... On his third admittance, he stayed for more than a week until he insisted on going home. So we are caring for him now at home. I don't want to leave his side, but seeing him in pain and uncomfortable is tearing me apart.

Each day passes by, and his condition is not improving..  he won't eat, we can't understand the words he said, and he now has already stopped talking. Honestly, it's not good. I'm not in the position to say what's next, Only the Almighty Allah knows.

PRAYER

Whatever the will of Allah, I will accept, as I believe, He's the best planner. But if I have to make Dua, I will ask to extend my father's life for 20 years or more, which seems impossible,  then 10, or five, or at least he finished what he wanted for the Madrasah he established and the Review Center. I know by the looks of it, it seems impossible, with his current condition, he doesn't look that well. It's like I'm praying for rain in the Sahara. Only Your miracles will save him, and I believe in You. But if You won't grant it for some reason, then my DUA or prayer will just make it easy for him and the rest of the family.

ALHAMDULILLAH

Alhamdulillah for the gift of life, that we still have our father at this moment. When you granted my prayer to get him well last 2019, that was one of the happiest moments of my life I won't trade it for anything. You've already extended his life before. Alhamdulillah, that this is not happening during the COVID, I can't imagine how hard that could be. Alhamdulillah, that we still have him at the moment. Alhamdulillah, through this suffering, I'm becoming closer to You. Alhamdulillah, through the unfortunate event, our family is united and strengthened

PATIENCE/ SABAR

If only we know what to do then we have done that. We tried the medication with his doctor's advice, and we thought that it was only the side-effect of his becoming weak each day.... but now, it seems that the medication didn't work for him until he stopped taking it. We're trying everything, but we just don't know what would make him feel better.

ASTAGFIRULLAH

May the Almighty forgive me if I can't get rid of unwanted thoughts. Our father is a good person, he intends to advocate education that would benefit one from this world and the hereafter. He's patient and kind, Astaghfirullah, I can't avoid asking why this is happening to him. Indeed, the Almighty tests those he loves. 

ACCEPTANCE

All of these are meant to happen, it was the will of Allah. I'm just taking my chances through my DUAs and prayers that the Almighty will heal him.

I feel ashamed it I sounded demanding in my prayers, every time I remember the condition of Palestine, my close friends who lost their both parents already, and my cousins at a young age who also lost one of their parents. 

I wanted him to live longer coz there was something, so much to do. He has started something that hasn't come to success yet, I'm hurting that it might just go to waste, Astaghfirullah. But I know, that's how the world is, surely those who already passed away had some unfinished business too. Because this world is temporary, what matters is how we live it.

I'm reminding myself not to say "If only I had done such and such...." but rather think "It is the Decree of Allah and He does whatever He Wills. Know that Everything is by QADR of Allah.

"Through this trial, Allah has opened up a huge world of Ibadah like SABR, SALAH, repentance, etc."

"Through this trial, Allah is putting us on the path of the Prophets. It is a confirmation that Allah loves us. The more Allah loves somebody, the more He tests them"

TAWWAKKUL

Despite my DUA, I entrust to You everything. Now, the only medication left is the miracle that the Almighty Allah may grant upon us. Inshallah.

Yah Allah, please keep me strong, as well as our Mother. Grant us ease and acceptance on whatever is about to come.

insha'Allah, I will understand more why this is happening.