Trying my Green Thumb

Since I'm already jobless,  and been interested with plants recently,  I bought various seeds,  mostly flowering. 

August 3 and 4 , I planted them,  can't wait to see them germinate InshaAllah.. 

My Beautiful Nightmare

"6 am,  I woke up from a beautiful nighmare,

Still in my bed while I'm writing this.

It's been ages since you left without a word,

But I still miss you even when I should not. 

I stopped writing letters that only the wind could read.  I ceased wishing on the stars to get the approval of sharing our different worlds.  I halted talking about you,  even how much I wanted someone to hear our story. I guess,  nobody knows you're still breaking my heart. 

It makes me miss you even more everytime I see you in my dreams. And I'm not even hearing your voice on those.  I only see your eyes staring at me. I felt your presence walking along side but you never spoke a word.  I didn't want to wake up as I was waiting for your unspoken words,  but you never did.  Why do you always have to fade without talking to me?? 

Our story may not be One for the Books,  but it always touched my heart.  It didn't last long,  it actually never ends,  it only fades into nothingness,  but it remains in my heart.

I may not have that story that every girls were blessed with. I may have believed in a fairy tale without the Living Happily Ever After, I may looked fine on the real world, well, I am.  I needed to be fine,  so I am. 

There are just days like these,  mornings of broken heart, waking up from selfish dreams. Remembering you when I thought we are so over.  Some people really have that missing piece,  and for me,  you are the one I missed.  :)

This too shall pass,  as how those days passed me by, without knowing why I have to meet you and cherish you in my memories forever. I don't even know how you felt, do you hate me too sometimes?  I hated you sometimes. 

But it's okay,  6.55am now,  I must face the real world.  I just needed to write my heartaches so I'll be fine..... As always.  "

My Second Resignation

Well,  I need to write my thoughts before it fades, I know I don't write that much anymore but I just can't let my mixed emotions at the moment unrecorded.  

I can't really say that I'm sad, not even happy, but I'm totally fine.  Today,  I'm officially one of the Philippine's increasing number of unemployed due to Covid-19... Its just that my case is different,  I wasn't retrenched..  I resigned....  for some reasons and with outcome that I don't want to dicscuss anymore,  I moved on!  Haha

Yesterday was my last day at work.  It was my second resignation at the same company..  Packing my things made me emotional,  I'm gonna miss my office table,  I'm gonna miss eating my breakfast at the office,  I'm gonna miss my work even my busy days,  I'm gonna miss Glenda and the food she prepares for us, I'm gonna miss Jomah bullying me and vise versa,  I'm gonna miss yannie's sweet funny voice, I'm gonna miss lionel's annoying attitude and his patience driving for us,  Ate Elpies's cooking for us... And I'm gonna miss our usual things (before pandemic)..  Our badminton sessions, eat all you can in Yakimix, Vikings, Tong yang and Roxas night market, Videoke session ..... I'm gonna miss my time alone after work--where I just ride jeepneys not knowing where to go or then I'll end up on a Cinema with my favorite Barbq popcorn...

Well nothing really lasts forever.. 

So i had these pictures on my last day. 

And these too.  I couldn't get a descent pose coz I'm too conscious haha..  I just badly needed an evidence that once in my life,  I worked here..  I was assigned to three projects but this is the recent one. 

That's it! 

Realizations of an Average Person During the Quarantine

The Covid 19 Pandemic surely caused changes on the regular routine of everyone in the world. It’s been almost three months since the quarantine occurred in our city, and by now, most of us surely have their individual realizations and lessons learned. I know we have different quarantine stories. My story might not be as intense as other people’s story, but I’m speaking in behalf of those average people who seem to think that their life is not worth a book.

 

Where did I spend my Quarantine Days?

When the lockdown was imposed last 26^th of March, I was staying in my Boarding house almost 1 kilometer from my working place. I was staying there all by myself, I was not able to travel to my family home due to city restrictions.

 

What Kept me Sane During the Quarantine?

The perks of being an introvert made things easy for me.  I find solitude and peace in being alone. So on the first days of the quarantine, I never felt any sign of anxiety.  After consuming lots of movies and TV series on the first week, and unfortunately that increasing number of Covid positive signifying the lockdown will be extended for a long time, I thought I needed to do something productive.  So how can I be productive inside that small room w/o even a beautiful sight of the world? My room has a small window but is facing another wall. So I needed to went out daily on our common clothesline area just get some sunshine and fresh air. I can’t even bring my dirty clothes to Laundry shop, so I washed almost daily so it won’t pile up. That was also an alibi for me to stay in the clothesline.

 

I finished that inspirational Chicken Soup book and started reading a self improvement book that was lying on my shelf for too long. I wrote blogs again.

Until the Ramadan came by last 24^th of April. I’m supposed to spend the Ramadhan in my hometown with my family but unfortunately, I still can’t go home. But it turns out that I had the best Ramadan ever in terms of performing it correctly. I downloaded the Holy Qur-an  and read it. I even almost completed prayers. For the first time in my life, I performed the late night prayers or Tahajud.  I watched daily sermon of Mufti Menk about Comfort for Crisis.  Alhamdulillah, If not due to lockdown, I will not be able to do that.

 

What are my top three Realizations during this pandemic?

We had a zoom meeting with my officemates and these were also the things I’ve told them.

First, Faith to the Almighty. When you are alone and left without choice where anxiety will try to eat you up, Faith will save you. The quarantine brought me closer to the almighty and I really felt His Presence.

Second, Gratitude. Appreciation of small things. Focus on what you have and be thankful about it. Knowing that my family and I were healthy, and we still have resources for our food  is something I need to thank about, Alhamdulillah.

Third. Savings. I thank myself for being so thrifty when it comes to money.  Aside from travelling, I don’t spend  lot on material things. New gadgets and branded clothes are not my thing. So now that we can’t have our normal salary, I still have money to purchase my necessities. Alhmadulillah

How to Uplift Yourself when Someone Wont Let You

It's not easy to lose your job in this time of crisis . I'm possibly about to lose mine without compensation... 

Last March,   I verbally informed my Functional Head that I'll be resigning because our project is struggling for budget that we need to cost cut and transfer someone to our Manila project (from Davao). This someone lives in Davao, she disliked going to Manila but she had no choice. So I decided to quit my position so she can stay, I know how it feels coz I don't want to go back to Manila either (been assigned there for 6 years,  I resigned but rehired in this Davao project) . At the same time I was also applying a job in my hometown, I'm just taking my chances as I'd really love to work close to my family. 

  

But the Pandemic  seems to freeze things. I was not able to formally file my resignation due to lockdown and the job opportunities at my home place were put on hold too. 

It's almost three months but we haven't got back to work yet though we have some work from work arrangements.  Our salaries are limited but the Company offered Cash advances too. 

Few days ago,  my Functional Head phoned me if I'm still pursuing my resignation and I said yes but no specific date yet due to the current situation. I don't feel any sincerity in the puspose of  her calling.   She also phoned my Project In Charge jokingly that I was taking advantage of the company's privilege. That sounded offending to me and it bothered me,  I'm not that kind of person who will take advantage of anyone.  I was grateful of the company's help.  I'm gonna pay that Cash Advance too or work for it. 

I was not able to file the resignation on my original intended last day April 23 due to lockdown..  We have no formal work,  so I can't formally turn over my task which for me is very important.   And I can't go home too due to lockdown so I still need to pay rent for my boarding house (my limited salary for the work I do is sufficient for my rent,  oh sorry if that's taking advange) .. I have no doubt that I've been a good employee, I deserved what I am being paid of,  so it hurts me that this FH is making me feel now. 

Little did I know why she is confirming my resignation, our company is implementing retrenchment. The difference between retrenchment and resignation is that you'll be paid on the former,  and none for the later..  So in this hard time,  retrenchment is the practical  option.

Surely I will be retrenched too (as I've not formally filed my resignation) ,  because last night our President and the other officer incharge are supposed to call me this morning.  But guess who called me?  The FH!  She was once again pointing out that I told her I'm resigning. Wow,  she really is working so hard so I wont get a separation pay. Obviously she is more concerned about the company and not to the person who's about to lose a job. (as if she is the one who's going to pay me haha)..  

I literally had a headache today, got prepared , excited and tensed on that scheduled conversation with the President and the Officer in Charge about the retrenchment, I know its not ideal to lose a job but at least I'll be compensated while waiting for a new job.. I thought prolonging my resignation resulted to something better.  But to my dismay,  the amazing FH came into the picture.  I don't know whats her purpose of doing this,  I want to give her benefit of the doubt. So I told her now that I am unsure of my resignation.. Remember that girl whos about to be transferred to Manila?  She was also retrenched,  so I told the FH that I' am now undecided with my resignation because I have no one to turn over my task to.  I sensed that she didn't like my answer,  as if I lied to her,  that I'm only after the separation pay.  Don't worry FH,  though I told you I'm undecided,  I'm still going to quit this job even w/o separation pay coz I can't stand working with that kind of person. 

Had a terrible day.  

Now,  I'm on the part of lifting myself. So how will I make myself feel better before I sleep tonight?  I still have this headache caused by todays uncertainty, but writing this lighten up my mood...

I'm telling myself that there will always be that kind of people like my FH, and winning against her is tough,  let the Almighty takes care of her.  

What's meant for me even if its between mountains will be mine,  and what's not for me won't be mine even if its already at the tip of my nose,  my Mom reminded me that when I called her a while ago. 

I may not get a separation pay in this trying time (even if I deserve it) ,  I know something better will come,  trust the Almighty.. There must be a reason behind this. (I'll update this blog someday when I'll find that out, InshaAllah ) .

Lastly,  I must be grateful,  Alhamdulillah..  Even without that separation pay,  I still have enough money to get myself food to eat, my family have their own too,  and we are healthy. Alhamdulillah. 

Career Challenge

  

Picture not mine. I just saw this circulating on social media so I am answering it. :)

1. CHILDHOOD AMBITION – I wanted to be a writer or a teacher, I was so sure of that when I was a child.  On my Elementary days, I used to write stories in a piece of paper and I distribute them to my classmates. They actually enjoyed reading them, so I thought I’m going to be writer. In highschool up to college, I was writing poems too, but during those days, I don’t really have readers, my works  mostly for my eyes only. I became dubious of my ability, surely I loved writing but I’m not good at it. There were times I feel like I’m just wasting my time on my trumperies, but there were also days that I didn’t really care if I'm doing it well, coz I loved it! So I keep writing --- for myself.

Also on my elementary days, I was fervently thinking I’m going to be a teacher, just like my Educator father. I remember him asking me to check his student’s Test Papers which I never complained. While writing this, some memories flashed in. I played the role of a teacher to my younger siblings, I made questionnaires and let them participate. I had that grading notebook too where I invented names of students and graded them.. haha.. (parang natatawa ako, para pala akong tanga noon.) I just lost that merriment in teaching when I reached high school. I realized that my confidence in public speaking is only applicable to my siblings and not in front of other people.

2.COLLEGE COURSE. I spent 6 years in college! Yes, I’m not a bad student, I might not be that diligent and intelligent, but surely I wasn’t neglectful or delinquent type. And maybe because Engineering is really tough for someone not good in Math (that’s me). I first took Electronics Communication Engineering, not because I loved it, but maybe because it’s a trend, and it’s cool? I even have units in Agriculture Engineering then finally I shifted to Civil Engineering. I never had good grades in  my Engineering related subjects, though I had 1.0 in Philosophy, Life of Rizal (haha) and other high grades on my other not Engineering related subjects. Grateful that I passed the Civil Engineering Licensure Exam on my first take coz I might think that I really took the wrong path if I didn’t make it.

3.CURRENT JOB. I’m currently a Cost & Contracts Engineer in one of the Country’s Quadruple A construction company. For almost a decade, I’m now on my third project. Happy? Sometimes yes, sometimes not. Civil Engineering is a wide range profession, there are lots of specialties and I am so used to my current position that I actually forgot the other trades. So if you ask me to design your house, I might need a review. Haha..  When you are labeled as Engineer, they thought you are something, yeah, I’ve been to some head wracking situations but its not always like that.  Sometimes, I feel that I’m just working coz I need to earn my own money. I’m not complaining, but there were moments that I still think what if I pursued my childhood ambition, will I be happier?  I’m still looking forward to that day, where I'll get excited waking up each day coz I'm about to do something that I really love doing.

My 2020 Eidl Fit'r

It's Ed'l Fit'r that marks the end of the Holy Month. Indeed it's true,  evils are being tied up during Ramadhan and now they are free,  it seems that they're responsible for me now feeling anxious.

I'm a little bit depressed at the moment,  and the reason I'm doing this write-up is to make myself feel better at the end of this.

Lets start this by acknowledging why I feel down. I never felt this heavy hearted since I started fasting last April 24..  Or even at the start of the quarantine last March 16 where I need to stay alone in my boarding house.. Home is just 4hour drive but I'm stranded. But I was okay,  enjoying my Me-time, I actually learned many things spiritually,  I didn't even miss working..  i was fine..  But today,  I felt bad.

Maybe because I was seeing a lot of family photos on the social media celebrating the Eid together, while I was on my own,  can't even get a fresh air outside,   it saddened me...it made me miss home so much.  I learned also that a colleague,  actually  younger than me,  is becoming really successful,  we have same profession and yet I can't be as successful as her..  She rewards herself by traveling a lot and that made me feel so envious..financially,  surely she is stable that she didn't even needs to work away from her home.  I can't be like her coz I'm not as confident and courageous as her. I'm not as friendly as her that she made a lot of connections.   So I pitied my self. Add to that is I'm not getting any younger.

So I think that's where it all started.  And I can't even talk to anyone to share how I feel at least could lessen this burden,  so I'm writing... as my way of talking to myself.

So now, we're on the part of resolving this. I know I'm being tested. So I'm proving it, overthinking and feeling envious is a task of evil. I must remind myself of the good thoughts I learned during Ramadan..

I must not be sad even I'm on my own during this Eid.. There are also other people who are alone at the moment, I'm not the only one. I must remember that there are people who are in worse condition that I am, some lost family members, some are struggling with this current Pandemic, some are really sick.  Sukor , I must be grateful that my family though are far, they are doing well. There are also other people who are not alone during this Eid but still lonely. Must remind myself that happiness is not always found with people. Often, it is found when it is just you and Almighy Allah. Soon, I'll be home, InshaAllah. This pandemic  will be over, InshaAllah.

Another important thing that nourished my relationship to the Almighty is Sab'r, yes that is Patience. I know my career wasn't really a success and that is because I'm so timid, introvert and not confident at all. I'm even resigning anytime soon due to some reasons I wont detail here... we're not also productive due to this covid virus.. so this means, soon I'll be jobless! which also mean goodbye travels??!! you know how I loved traveling.. it's my therapy!

But I'm resolving my thoughts now,  that's my purpose of writing this and not to get consumed by my lack of positiveness.  I know I'm at the stage of uncertainty, quiting my job at the wrong time maybe not a wise move. But this I believed my company and myself will achieve the mutual convenience. So there comes in my Sabr, surely the Almighty will guide me,  I just need to keep that faith. I must not doubt Him as I must not doubt myself.  Everything will be in place soon.  I must not feel jealous of other people's success and question why can't I be like that.  It would be a huge crisis if I keep on thinking that way.  Just be happy for them,  if I can't, then at least dont hope for them their downful,  that's a sin.  The Almighty gave that success to them,  wait for yours.  Never compare yourself to others,  it will only make us feel resentful.  As what the Desiderata said,  there will always be greater and lesser people than yourself.

And I must not think that my current career is a failure..  It might not be that kind of job that you'll get excited to report to everyday but I was paid with something I deserved, I met few friends, my salary let me  travel to different countries and had started building my house, it might not be as grandiose as others but its something I must be thankful about,  Sukor.  The Almighty loved those who are grateful of their blessings. Alhamdulillah.

I must be reminded that life will always test us, we must guard our attitude.  As this wordly things are just temporary, do not be so attached.. Our attitude and faith are keys to Hereafter.

Now I feel better.  As you can see,  I became so spiritually inclined.. I don't usually do that in my previous blogs.  One of the good things I enhanced during this quarantine is my FAITH.  It can give us comfort to any crisis.  ALHAMDULILLAH.