The Struggle of an Average Introvert

 August 14, 2020

Today’s the end of my 14 day self quarantine. Nobody told me to do so but I’m being just extra cautious as I came from a high risk City. I went home after I resigned from my job and now I feel like I don’t know what to do next. I’m just wondering had I not put myself on this isolation, maybe I’ll still do the same thing—that “doing nothing, just movies, sleep, eat and plant”. That maybe I used Covid-19 as my valid excuse so I can’t be productive, and now that the 14 day is over, I’m still not going to do anything substantial, guilty! And I’m pressured!

No explaining here why I quit my job, but I’m waiting for job interviews. If this Government of ours will be fair enough in the hiring process then I vouch myself, I know I deserve a position --- But on the frustrating note, no one will back me up “inside”! I hope you know what I mean, I got myself only on this fight! I believe in myself, I don’t think they will, coz they don’t know me! Haha..  cut this, I smell bitterness already. But I’m hopeful that I’m not receiving a call yet because of the slowing down on almost everything  due to Covid-19 and not because they have forgotten about me… errr

 

Anyway, I was also thinking of putting up a business, but I don’t know what suits me. If I let this procrastination keep going, then I might lose my savings. Everyone is practicing online selling, but duh??!! What and to whom I’m gonna sell stuffs. There’s nothing wrong in online selling, but knowing me, who don’t have connections, no guts, not even too many friends,-- this trade won’t work for me.

 I was thinking of writing, nah! I just loved writing but I’m not good at it…  I tried  submitting an article to a certain website, but they refused to publish it. I’m just trying to appease  myself that what I submitted to them was really unacceptable , I wrote it  in a span of one hour early morning inspired by that dream I had, not even checking my grammar.

Habitually, my articles are for my eyes only, and for one or two persons, I’m fine with that but now that I wanted to have an extra income, I signed up for an AD, but I realized I can’t even post my blog on my other social media account, so who would see those ads? Haha

The trend now is Vlogging, but I don’t even want to see my face nor hear my voice on videos. haha

I got addicted to planting during the quarantine, I purchased seeds online. I was thinking I could establish a small garden shop if I can grow those seeds. I succeeded germinating them, but unfortunately, they died!

Wahh… I’m not good anything! What shall I do??? Lol

Enough for this crabby, I just want to mention those things so I’ll feel better.

My 9th of August 2020

I'm supposed to write and post this last night before 9th of August ends, but I spent the last hours watching the ending of Its Okay to Be Not Okay. I got tired also of gardening the entire day, my body aches a little today, haha. 

I didn't really expect birthday greetings too as I turned off the notification but when I opened my FB page, I still got this:

I'm not really celebrating my birthday but knowing some people greet you on this day is overwhelming.

So no matter how I turned off my birthday notification, I still had these comments.

I just loved that Jeny's letter to me long time ago.  I don't really have that someone who is patient enough to give me lengthy  and cheesy letters,  I'm the one who is doing that haha.  And also,  that kind of timeless friend you communicate from time to time or kahit every birthday mo lang is worth keeping. 

I got also a call from Mac.. I have very few male friends whom I am comfortable with, and he's one of them. I really appreciate him not changing all these years.

I've been doing this kind of post every 9th of August,yung mag eeffort talaga akong magscreen shot, even at this Age.. I'm really that kind of a corny person, I hate it too. hahha

Anyway, I thank everyone who greeted me, it made my ordinary day not-so-ordinary. Especially those who truly remembered that I was born in August 9.. haha... We are all busy with our different every day living that remembering your friend's birthday is not really essential, salamat sa Facebook at nagreremind sya... (while I didn't allow FB to remind you,  nasa memories lang ng iba)  hehe  Ako din naman, as in I wrote it down just now,  I can remember around 12 birthdays only of my friends. Pero tingin ko madami na yun para maalala ko. 

Anyway, natuwa lang ako sa mga pusa. wala namang konek.

Ayun,  wala naman masyadong ganap ang August 9 ko,  arte lang to kase marami akong time ngayon mag inarte.  Hahaha

Sorry if you got here and ruined your time.. 

Have a nice day.  :)

Trying my Green Thumb

Since I'm already jobless,  and been interested with plants recently,  I bought various seeds,  mostly flowering. 

August 3 and 4 , I planted them,  can't wait to see them germinate InshaAllah.. 

My Beautiful Nightmare

"6 am,  I woke up from a beautiful nighmare,

Still in my bed while I'm writing this.

It's been ages since you left without a word,

But I still miss you even when I should not. 

I stopped writing letters that only the wind could read.  I ceased wishing on the stars to get the approval of sharing our different worlds.  I halted talking about you,  even how much I wanted someone to hear our story. I guess,  nobody knows you're still breaking my heart. 

It makes me miss you even more everytime I see you in my dreams. And I'm not even hearing your voice on those.  I only see your eyes staring at me. I felt your presence walking along side but you never spoke a word.  I didn't want to wake up as I was waiting for your unspoken words,  but you never did.  Why do you always have to fade without talking to me?? 

Our story may not be One for the Books,  but it always touched my heart.  It didn't last long,  it actually never ends,  it only fades into nothingness,  but it remains in my heart.

I may not have that story that every girls were blessed with. I may have believed in a fairy tale without the Living Happily Ever After, I may looked fine on the real world, well, I am.  I needed to be fine,  so I am. 

There are just days like these,  mornings of broken heart, waking up from selfish dreams. Remembering you when I thought we are so over.  Some people really have that missing piece,  and for me,  you are the one I missed.  :)

This too shall pass,  as how those days passed me by, without knowing why I have to meet you and cherish you in my memories forever. I don't even know how you felt, do you hate me too sometimes?  I hated you sometimes. 

But it's okay,  6.55am now,  I must face the real world.  I just needed to write my heartaches so I'll be fine..... As always.  "

My Second Resignation

Well,  I need to write my thoughts before it fades, I know I don't write that much anymore but I just can't let my mixed emotions at the moment unrecorded.  

I can't really say that I'm sad, not even happy, but I'm totally fine.  Today,  I'm officially one of the Philippine's increasing number of unemployed due to Covid-19... Its just that my case is different,  I wasn't retrenched..  I resigned....  for some reasons and with outcome that I don't want to dicscuss anymore,  I moved on!  Haha

Yesterday was my last day at work.  It was my second resignation at the same company..  Packing my things made me emotional,  I'm gonna miss my office table,  I'm gonna miss eating my breakfast at the office,  I'm gonna miss my work even my busy days,  I'm gonna miss Glenda and the food she prepares for us, I'm gonna miss Jomah bullying me and vise versa,  I'm gonna miss yannie's sweet funny voice, I'm gonna miss lionel's annoying attitude and his patience driving for us,  Ate Elpies's cooking for us... And I'm gonna miss our usual things (before pandemic)..  Our badminton sessions, eat all you can in Yakimix, Vikings, Tong yang and Roxas night market, Videoke session ..... I'm gonna miss my time alone after work--where I just ride jeepneys not knowing where to go or then I'll end up on a Cinema with my favorite Barbq popcorn...

Well nothing really lasts forever.. 

So i had these pictures on my last day. 

And these too.  I couldn't get a descent pose coz I'm too conscious haha..  I just badly needed an evidence that once in my life,  I worked here..  I was assigned to three projects but this is the recent one. 

That's it! 

Realizations of an Average Person During the Quarantine

The Covid 19 Pandemic surely caused changes on the regular routine of everyone in the world. It’s been almost three months since the quarantine occurred in our city, and by now, most of us surely have their individual realizations and lessons learned. I know we have different quarantine stories. My story might not be as intense as other people’s story, but I’m speaking in behalf of those average people who seem to think that their life is not worth a book.

 

Where did I spend my Quarantine Days?

When the lockdown was imposed last 26^th of March, I was staying in my Boarding house almost 1 kilometer from my working place. I was staying there all by myself, I was not able to travel to my family home due to city restrictions.

 

What Kept me Sane During the Quarantine?

The perks of being an introvert made things easy for me.  I find solitude and peace in being alone. So on the first days of the quarantine, I never felt any sign of anxiety.  After consuming lots of movies and TV series on the first week, and unfortunately that increasing number of Covid positive signifying the lockdown will be extended for a long time, I thought I needed to do something productive.  So how can I be productive inside that small room w/o even a beautiful sight of the world? My room has a small window but is facing another wall. So I needed to went out daily on our common clothesline area just get some sunshine and fresh air. I can’t even bring my dirty clothes to Laundry shop, so I washed almost daily so it won’t pile up. That was also an alibi for me to stay in the clothesline.

 

I finished that inspirational Chicken Soup book and started reading a self improvement book that was lying on my shelf for too long. I wrote blogs again.

Until the Ramadan came by last 24^th of April. I’m supposed to spend the Ramadhan in my hometown with my family but unfortunately, I still can’t go home. But it turns out that I had the best Ramadan ever in terms of performing it correctly. I downloaded the Holy Qur-an  and read it. I even almost completed prayers. For the first time in my life, I performed the late night prayers or Tahajud.  I watched daily sermon of Mufti Menk about Comfort for Crisis.  Alhamdulillah, If not due to lockdown, I will not be able to do that.

 

What are my top three Realizations during this pandemic?

We had a zoom meeting with my officemates and these were also the things I’ve told them.

First, Faith to the Almighty. When you are alone and left without choice where anxiety will try to eat you up, Faith will save you. The quarantine brought me closer to the almighty and I really felt His Presence.

Second, Gratitude. Appreciation of small things. Focus on what you have and be thankful about it. Knowing that my family and I were healthy, and we still have resources for our food  is something I need to thank about, Alhamdulillah.

Third. Savings. I thank myself for being so thrifty when it comes to money.  Aside from travelling, I don’t spend  lot on material things. New gadgets and branded clothes are not my thing. So now that we can’t have our normal salary, I still have money to purchase my necessities. Alhmadulillah

How to Uplift Yourself when Someone Wont Let You

It's not easy to lose your job in this time of crisis . I'm possibly about to lose mine without compensation... 

Last March,   I verbally informed my Functional Head that I'll be resigning because our project is struggling for budget that we need to cost cut and transfer someone to our Manila project (from Davao). This someone lives in Davao, she disliked going to Manila but she had no choice. So I decided to quit my position so she can stay, I know how it feels coz I don't want to go back to Manila either (been assigned there for 6 years,  I resigned but rehired in this Davao project) . At the same time I was also applying a job in my hometown, I'm just taking my chances as I'd really love to work close to my family. 

  

But the Pandemic  seems to freeze things. I was not able to formally file my resignation due to lockdown and the job opportunities at my home place were put on hold too. 

It's almost three months but we haven't got back to work yet though we have some work from work arrangements.  Our salaries are limited but the Company offered Cash advances too. 

Few days ago,  my Functional Head phoned me if I'm still pursuing my resignation and I said yes but no specific date yet due to the current situation. I don't feel any sincerity in the puspose of  her calling.   She also phoned my Project In Charge jokingly that I was taking advantage of the company's privilege. That sounded offending to me and it bothered me,  I'm not that kind of person who will take advantage of anyone.  I was grateful of the company's help.  I'm gonna pay that Cash Advance too or work for it. 

I was not able to file the resignation on my original intended last day April 23 due to lockdown..  We have no formal work,  so I can't formally turn over my task which for me is very important.   And I can't go home too due to lockdown so I still need to pay rent for my boarding house (my limited salary for the work I do is sufficient for my rent,  oh sorry if that's taking advange) .. I have no doubt that I've been a good employee, I deserved what I am being paid of,  so it hurts me that this FH is making me feel now. 

Little did I know why she is confirming my resignation, our company is implementing retrenchment. The difference between retrenchment and resignation is that you'll be paid on the former,  and none for the later..  So in this hard time,  retrenchment is the practical  option.

Surely I will be retrenched too (as I've not formally filed my resignation) ,  because last night our President and the other officer incharge are supposed to call me this morning.  But guess who called me?  The FH!  She was once again pointing out that I told her I'm resigning. Wow,  she really is working so hard so I wont get a separation pay. Obviously she is more concerned about the company and not to the person who's about to lose a job. (as if she is the one who's going to pay me haha)..  

I literally had a headache today, got prepared , excited and tensed on that scheduled conversation with the President and the Officer in Charge about the retrenchment, I know its not ideal to lose a job but at least I'll be compensated while waiting for a new job.. I thought prolonging my resignation resulted to something better.  But to my dismay,  the amazing FH came into the picture.  I don't know whats her purpose of doing this,  I want to give her benefit of the doubt. So I told her now that I am unsure of my resignation.. Remember that girl whos about to be transferred to Manila?  She was also retrenched,  so I told the FH that I' am now undecided with my resignation because I have no one to turn over my task to.  I sensed that she didn't like my answer,  as if I lied to her,  that I'm only after the separation pay.  Don't worry FH,  though I told you I'm undecided,  I'm still going to quit this job even w/o separation pay coz I can't stand working with that kind of person. 

Had a terrible day.  

Now,  I'm on the part of lifting myself. So how will I make myself feel better before I sleep tonight?  I still have this headache caused by todays uncertainty, but writing this lighten up my mood...

I'm telling myself that there will always be that kind of people like my FH, and winning against her is tough,  let the Almighty takes care of her.  

What's meant for me even if its between mountains will be mine,  and what's not for me won't be mine even if its already at the tip of my nose,  my Mom reminded me that when I called her a while ago. 

I may not get a separation pay in this trying time (even if I deserve it) ,  I know something better will come,  trust the Almighty.. There must be a reason behind this. (I'll update this blog someday when I'll find that out, InshaAllah ) .

Lastly,  I must be grateful,  Alhamdulillah..  Even without that separation pay,  I still have enough money to get myself food to eat, my family have their own too,  and we are healthy. Alhamdulillah.