Feeling Anxious on the Last day of day of Feb 2021

 I'm feeling anxious and I want to fight it..  i don't want it to ousmart me. 

I'm so thankful I had my new job..  I really prayed that my next job is something I will deserve,  I will find fulfillment, happiness,  and something I'll be good at, no matter how long I'll wait. 

But as expected,  the adjustment isn't that easy. Yes,  I had my work experiences but they are doing different thing in this new office.  How can I be good at this?  i know they are expecting something from me,  but how, when I am clueless. Doubts in myself are  slowly crawling in. It's been a week but I am not oriented or taught properly.  I'm not sure yet if the Officer In Charge will support me or he'll just assumed I know what to do. I hope he's jusy busy and not because he hated or intimadated with my presence. I wanted to talk to him but he's always on a site visit or meeting,  and I am left not knowing exactly what to do while everyone is expecting something from me.

This quote is actually the reason why I'm feeling anxious... 

"Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking stupid and fear of the unknown.”

I need to overcome this. 

Today,  my sister, her husband and my nieces and nephews will be out of town for week...  Those kiddos are my happy pill which means I'm going to endure the week without my energizer (sigh). I'll be fine..  I'm gonna beat this anxiety. 

And this job,  no matter how blur things now,  I know I'll be okay in time. I trust the Almighty because he gave me this. Just because things aren't easy now doesn't mean I don't deserve this, adjustment and knowing everything wont be achieved overnight.  I'll just be honest with everyone and I'll try not to get affected with people's impression. I'll just try to do my job at the best I can and the rest I'll leave to my prayers. 

Got my new Job in a Government Office

 Alhamdulillah, I have a new career to start. I finally got hired in a government office. I waited for this but I'm nervous at the same time. I don't know what lies ahead, I never worked in a government office before. I'm still assigned to the Engineering section but I have this feeling that things will be different. This is almost a career switch. I'm a little paranoid if I'll be able to perform my duties as I'm clueless about how things work in this administration. I want to be the best that I can be and contribute to the progress of our community. And I'm already feeling the pressure. Yes, I had years of experience in a private construction firm but I'm not sure if that will be applied in this new position. I want to feel that I deserved this opportunity by returning excellent services. But will I make that?

 It's already common hearsay, that there's no pressure or not challenging at all to be working in the Government. That "some" people there are delinquent, enjoying the benefits but not worthy of it at all. I don't want to be tagged that way. And that scenario is for me to find out, let's not judge. All my life I've been working with integrity. I may not be the best employee, but I see to it that I'm being responsible. I always try my very best to commit to my deliverables. This time, it's the public I will serve. I want to be sincere in doing that so I can be an efficient public servant. I don't want to be one of those "some" I used to hate for being an irresponsible and conceited public employee. Don't they know that they are working for the people? Why are they being so arrogant? I don't want to be like them.

Anyway, I'll be just fine. I may be curious about my new working environment, feeling anxious about what kind of people I'll work with, how my work experience will help, but I know I'll be okay, Inshaallah. I will be okay because this was a long-time dream, to be waking up every day at my own home. No more long-distance relationship with my family, I've been doing that since I was in college.

I prayed for this. I asked the Almighty to provide me a job I deserve, where I will find fulfillment and happiness :) . There were rejections before but never got too disappointed because I knew that isn't what's mean for me. And that is another reason why I think I will be okay.

In three months, I will update this blog. I'll discuss how my expectations turned out, all about my curiosity. So let's see.

a day in my life (charrr.. 2/13/2021)

 it's already 10pm and the rain is pouring heavily right now. I'm obliged to write because I committed to myself na magsusulat ako today sa blogger ko. Char, kala mo kanino committed, haha

wala lang, isa nanamang walang kwenta ang blog na to. parang a day in my life.. as if may unsual today... meron naman.

today, I was left alone in my house for about 8 hours.. I'm used to being alone pero sa boarding house yun or dun sa family/ancestral house namin... but not in my own house. So ayun nga, I built this house (but not done yet but livable na) because my parents advised me to, and they have a huge part in building this...

 Kung nagkataon, mag isa lang naman akong titira dito hahaha.. but since my sister works just across the street, they transferred here with her husband and their 3 children a year ago... while I transferred here after I quit my job few months ago. 

Today, they went to a beach, I was left alone and I literally talked to the cats. haha I love having my nieces and nephew around, kahit ang kukulit, pero kanina ang tahimik. But somehow, diko alam, parang chill lang, breathe in breathe out ang peg.

And I've watched two Netflix movies, I was amused because those movies had almost the same concept, especially the ending. Wala lang, natuwa lang ako sa coincidence. haha

Today, is a bit disappointing.. kase nag uumpisa pa lang ako magpaka active dun sa website na sinalihan ko for writing of "whatevers" eh biglang nagchange ng concept or qualifications... may speific topic na sila... eh diko naman bet yung writer's topic na gusto nila.. kase hindi ako ganon.. kaya ayun medyo badtrip, kala ko magchechange career na ako.. hahaha...

Di bale na, baka di talaga ako para dun, kase seryoso din dun.. lam mo na ako... parang joke time lang lagi. hahaha..

And today din pala, I saw an engagement proposal of my previous officemate.. ang cute lang.. deserved nya yun. para silang si Popoy and Basha..hehe.. I was smiling the whole time watching it.. minsan kase yung mga ganon nakakairita panuorin... but yung sa kanila, nakakatuwa..

so 10:20 na umuulan pa rin ng malakas. sapat na to.. wala nanamang sense to. haha

Good night!

3rd of february 2021

Recently I've been thinking of changing my career.. chos.. pero why not diba? haha.. but I'm not good at other things.  I can't think of skills I possessed that would help me do something else.

From the very start, I wasn't confident that Civil Engineering is best for me, parang nagkamali lang ata ako eh. hehe I think it would be more satisfying if I became an Architect na lang, I enjoyed designing aesthetics of a building rather that structural design which is the task of a Civil Engineer. Anyway, I just finished the Site development and perspective of that School my father asked me to do using Sketch up, and I am so proud kase marunong pala ako magsketch up, haha. I can't work using Autocad on my Laptop because it's no longer functioning really well. I intend to buy a new laptop but I think it's not practical at the moment, so pagtsatsagaan ko na lang muna tong gamit ko.

Anyway, wala naman masyadong sense tong blog na to. haha... gusto ko lang mag isip.

I tried submitting a blog entry in other website. I just want to know if they'll publish it. Malay natin, mag-aral na lang ako ng effective writing.. Here's the link if you want to read my first published post  Solo Travel.

24th of January 2021

 Tonight,  I'll be sleeping alone as I convinced my 4year old niece to sleep back to their room. She didn't skip sleeping with me since the first time she's been with me no matter how her parents (and me)  asked her to sleep back to their room.  Suprisingly,  today was so easy,  I told her that I'm not really well,  that I'm having a cough (which I really had)  I don't want her to get infected. She cooperated,  but I'm a little sad coz I'm so used to having her by my side. 

A while ago, just before this,  she hugged me and gave me a kiss (diko na napigilan eh,  di naman malala yung sakit ko haha),  she took her stuff toys, pillow,  blanket and told me "I love you Tati"... (so sweet,  I'm so touched hehe)..  But she left me these stuff para may kasama daw ako 

Ayun lang..  Namimiss ko na sya agad and not that I am scared..  My sister asked me kase,  am I afraid to sleep alone tonight??!!.  . Haha,  Nah,  I used to sleep alone before I'm finally home again. 

Good night..  

13th of January 2021

 "Good morning my beautiful nightmare

I guess,  I found our rendezvous, in my slumber

Do I have to write everytime you appear in my dream? 

It's the only world I can feel you

I wonder how are you,  do you meet me in your dreams somehow? 

Or would you even want to see me?

You're my painful  sweetest thing

Maybe i've loved you for so long I wanted to hate you

Or maybe I hate you coz I can't hate you

Believing I'll forget you if I'll hate you

Maybe i'm saying so much things that isn't right

You won't know anyway,  would you? 

One of the dumbest thing is to wait for something deep inside you,  you know wont be coming

I even waited for you to say goodbye, and you didn't,  so how could I still be waiting? 

Or maybe there's no really goodbyes for us

Coz we never really had something to end

Or some things just don't have ending, just like that." 

Run Free, my Garfield

Gonna miss this buddy,  our Garfield.  He was hit by a car yesterday kase nangapit bahay nanaman..   

It was heartbreaking.  Hinihigpitan na namin wag makalabas ng gate pero masyado syang maparaan...  

I'm gonna miss you my Garfield..  Rest well