11.26.2021

 Felt so guilty right now...  Hoping one of our projects was completed earlier...  So the beneficiary could have witnessed the turn over of the project, as he really pushed and wished to do.... It saddened me... 

11.16.21

 Felt a bit stupid today...  But happy too for being appreciated. 

Err

 I rarely talk to people... That's why I hate it when I'm being ignored while expressing myself.. just saying.. someone just made me feel that way today...

But maybe he's going through something else too.. 

26oct2021

 Today's meeting was something wont let me sleep tonight because I was not able to express and explain myself.... 

I'll be okay

 I wish I have other talent so I can give up now... Coz I'm tired .. I'm too tired..

I can't give up.  i'm not giving up.  i'm just tired

Pikon for a day

 Medyo napipikon na ako sa mga tao..  Diko alam kung magpapasensya pa ba ako or mananampal na..  Joke,  haha.  Diko naman kaya manampal...  Pero gustong gusto ko manigaw,  magalit..  Pero diko magawa..  Ni hindi ko makausap..  Kase diko alam pano kumausap ng matiwasay.  

I don't feel respected sometimes,  masyado siguro ako mabait...  Or siguro mas tamang term eh tanga?  Ang harsh ko.  Ahaha..  Pero di naman kase kabaitan yung itotolerate mo yung kawalang respeto sayo...  Hmmm.  Sanay mabigyan ako ng lakas para isagawa ang nararapat..  At maisip ang tamang aksyon... 

Someday

 Someday,  I won't wait for the weekends to arrive just to feel okay

Someday,  everyday is a wonderful day,  I wont even hate Mondays

Someday,  I can do something new,  not being occupied with my job alone

Someday,  my job won't be a problem,  it might still be challenging,  but that day I know better what to do

Someday, my family would be proud of me as much as I'm proud of myself

Someday,  I'll be driving on a road trip feeling that beautiful moment alone..  Not disturbed with a job I'm so unsure of

Someday,  I'll realized why I had to be on these shoes,  that I'm perfectly deserving of this position

Someday, I wont fear the unknown. I'll grow,  productive,  contented,  grateful and happy.. 

Someday,  I'll read back this post telling myself,  "See?  i told you,  everything will be okay".

....and that Someday is about to come, INSHAALLAH. 

Tired

 I'm tired but I'm fine..  Sometimes I just need to write it away. 

I'm at the situation where I prayed for,  but I never thought it would be this hard.  I want to be the best version of my self..  i want to be valued .. But there were times I questioned if I meant to be here..  I felt like I dont deserved to be where I am..  I'm feeling useless.  i know I shouldn't feel that way.  i want to be good with what I'm doing...  But I can't..  Coz I'm not really that good for that.

My 9th of August2021

 Bukas na lang.   Haha

Someone saves the Day

 Hi. How was your day?

Mine was a bit tiring and rough but I'm fine now. I'm about to sleep. But before I do, I'm going to make some writing here. 

There's a point in my life today I wished I wasn't there, I felt stupid and useless. I could only dream that I'm good at some "things"...but I can't think of anything I am good at.. 

I'll be okay. 

I've recovered now :).  Coz I got a tight hug from my niece. 

Anyway,  Someone saved me too today, either he purposely saved me or that's just part of his job, it doesn't matter, thanks though. :)

I don't need to be saved by anyone anyway, I know my day will end the way it ends right now. But sometimes it feels good when someone saves the day even if your not asking for it. :)

Good night!

Monday Blues 7.26.2021

 ..and Monday blues still hits me.  That feeling of wanting to quit,  forget and just do nothing...  but I just can't.  

I'm not that strong,  not that confident...  Doubting myself wont help but I know I'll be okay..  

InshaAllah,  everything will be just fine. 

No matter how tough things are, still, ALHAMDULILLAH

 Alhamdulillah (thanks to Allah)...  For this very moment...  I'm lying on my bed which I truly missed. I've been sleeping in other house for a month to spend the Ramadhan there,  that's why I missed this room so bad.  I missed my nieces suddenly coming in and out of this room, they're my stress reliever. 

I'm still scared of what lies ahead,  but I must trust the Almighty.  

Right now,  I'm embracing this moment. I want to have more of this but I know it's temporary...  Alhamdulillah still. 

Monday

 Monday is so hard to face now since I've been absent from work the whole week last week.  But I'm praying,  things will get better...  And I may have all the strength and courage I needed for this life. I really want. To get over and get used to my work issues so I can face other life's crisis.. Inshallah..  Everything will be just fine...  

Rabbi Irhamhuma Kamarabayannee Saguira.. 

4.23.21

 Everything will be okay....... :)

thoughts 3.28.2020

 * I'm grateful but I'm feeling guilty at the same time.  I know I should be grateful,  but do I deserved it?  I'm breaking my heart that maybw someone better should be in this position and not me.  I used to pray people including myself should get what we deserve. And now that I'm here,  I don't know if I deserved it.  But I got no choice but to accept it.  And i'll do the best that I can do to prove that I am destined to be here. It's not easy I know,  but with the Almighty's  guidance, lets claim this,  soon I will be enlightened.  I maybe have doubts with myself right now,  but I trust the Almighty's plans for me.  Insahaallah,  things will be okay. 

*

21st of March 2021

 There are so many good words out there, so many good thoughts, advice, and quotes. But there are still times you woke up with a heavy heart. And I'm afraid, it's one of those days.

I'm realizing I'm getting too old but not growing up. It's like I'm missing most of life's what they call "normal" at this point in time. Suddenly, I felt scared I'm losing time to pay back the people I loved the most, I mean, at least make them happy. .. Or them, happy for me for where and who I became.

I'm being stressed out lately with my current job that it almost consumed my sanity, I want to be better at it but I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. That feeling of exhaustion but unproductive, it's making me anxious. I'm very much concerned about people must get what they deserve, but there's a part of me here that tells me I don't deserve it. In my current job, I don't really aim to be the best employee, I just want to be useful and productive. I don't want to be tagged incompetent. But things aren't easy because I don't know who will be my mentor is, no one is instructing me on this and that. I arrived on this job not even trained, briefed, and oriented. And yet, they are expecting a result from me? I may be the Chief in my section but I still need some directions. I have never been in this kind of job. Why am I complaining here anyway? LOL

This is also one of those mornings my heart feels empty. I've already accepted my fate that I don't need other people to be part of my life (if that's what's meant for me). But maybe it's already part of being human to feel empty sometimes hoping someone could understand why do I feel this way.

I know what I was saying is something I need to fight. And I am, my first step is to pour them out by writing about it. That's why I'm here. I don't feel this way every day but when I do, I write about it. I don't have someone with whom I could talk about this. I don't want to bother anyone anyway. I know I'll be fine. Every day is not a good day especially recently that I am learning new things, things that I never had experienced. And that's why I'm having hard days... I'm just pressured. Inshallah, everything will be okay. I must be patient. It's tiring, the questions and doubts about my new workmates are killing my confidence but I'll try to beat it.

I know some say, I must not acknowledge negative thoughts. I'm trying not to, but I think acknowledging what burdens us is the first step to overcome it.

I'll be okay. I may be in a tough situation right now but someday I will be just fine. I must stop doubting myself for being in this position, I prayed for this, surely the Almighty has plans for me why I'm here. 

Feeling Anxious on the Last day of day of Feb 2021

 I'm feeling anxious and I want to fight it..  i don't want it to ousmart me. 

I'm so thankful I had my new job..  I really prayed that my next job is something I will deserve,  I will find fulfillment, happiness,  and something I'll be good at, no matter how long I'll wait. 

But as expected,  the adjustment isn't that easy. Yes,  I had my work experiences but they are doing different thing in this new office.  How can I be good at this?  i know they are expecting something from me,  but how, when I am clueless. Doubts in myself are  slowly crawling in. It's been a week but I am not oriented or taught properly.  I'm not sure yet if the Officer In Charge will support me or he'll just assumed I know what to do. I hope he's jusy busy and not because he hated or intimadated with my presence. I wanted to talk to him but he's always on a site visit or meeting,  and I am left not knowing exactly what to do while everyone is expecting something from me.

This quote is actually the reason why I'm feeling anxious... 

"Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking stupid and fear of the unknown.”

I need to overcome this. 

Today,  my sister, her husband and my nieces and nephews will be out of town for week...  Those kiddos are my happy pill which means I'm going to endure the week without my energizer (sigh). I'll be fine..  I'm gonna beat this anxiety. 

And this job,  no matter how blur things now,  I know I'll be okay in time. I trust the Almighty because he gave me this. Just because things aren't easy now doesn't mean I don't deserve this, adjustment and knowing everything wont be achieved overnight.  I'll just be honest with everyone and I'll try not to get affected with people's impression. I'll just try to do my job at the best I can and the rest I'll leave to my prayers. 

Got my new Job in a Government Office

 Alhamdulillah, I have a new career to start. I finally got hired in a government office. I waited for this but I'm nervous at the same time. I don't know what lies ahead, I never worked in a government office before. I'm still assigned to the Engineering section but I have this feeling that things will be different. This is almost a career switch. I'm a little paranoid if I'll be able to perform my duties as I'm clueless about how things work in this administration. I want to be the best that I can be and contribute to the progress of our community. And I'm already feeling the pressure. Yes, I had years of experience in a private construction firm but I'm not sure if that will be applied in this new position. I want to feel that I deserved this opportunity by returning excellent services. But will I make that?

 It's already common hearsay, that there's no pressure or not challenging at all to be working in the Government. That "some" people there are delinquent, enjoying the benefits but not worthy of it at all. I don't want to be tagged that way. And that scenario is for me to find out, let's not judge. All my life I've been working with integrity. I may not be the best employee, but I see to it that I'm being responsible. I always try my very best to commit to my deliverables. This time, it's the public I will serve. I want to be sincere in doing that so I can be an efficient public servant. I don't want to be one of those "some" I used to hate for being an irresponsible and conceited public employee. Don't they know that they are working for the people? Why are they being so arrogant? I don't want to be like them.

Anyway, I'll be just fine. I may be curious about my new working environment, feeling anxious about what kind of people I'll work with, how my work experience will help, but I know I'll be okay, Inshaallah. I will be okay because this was a long-time dream, to be waking up every day at my own home. No more long-distance relationship with my family, I've been doing that since I was in college.

I prayed for this. I asked the Almighty to provide me a job I deserve, where I will find fulfillment and happiness :) . There were rejections before but never got too disappointed because I knew that isn't what's mean for me. And that is another reason why I think I will be okay.

In three months, I will update this blog. I'll discuss how my expectations turned out, all about my curiosity. So let's see.

a day in my life (charrr.. 2/13/2021)

 it's already 10pm and the rain is pouring heavily right now. I'm obliged to write because I committed to myself na magsusulat ako today sa blogger ko. Char, kala mo kanino committed, haha

wala lang, isa nanamang walang kwenta ang blog na to. parang a day in my life.. as if may unsual today... meron naman.

today, I was left alone in my house for about 8 hours.. I'm used to being alone pero sa boarding house yun or dun sa family/ancestral house namin... but not in my own house. So ayun nga, I built this house (but not done yet but livable na) because my parents advised me to, and they have a huge part in building this...

 Kung nagkataon, mag isa lang naman akong titira dito hahaha.. but since my sister works just across the street, they transferred here with her husband and their 3 children a year ago... while I transferred here after I quit my job few months ago. 

Today, they went to a beach, I was left alone and I literally talked to the cats. haha I love having my nieces and nephew around, kahit ang kukulit, pero kanina ang tahimik. But somehow, diko alam, parang chill lang, breathe in breathe out ang peg.

And I've watched two Netflix movies, I was amused because those movies had almost the same concept, especially the ending. Wala lang, natuwa lang ako sa coincidence. haha

Today, is a bit disappointing.. kase nag uumpisa pa lang ako magpaka active dun sa website na sinalihan ko for writing of "whatevers" eh biglang nagchange ng concept or qualifications... may speific topic na sila... eh diko naman bet yung writer's topic na gusto nila.. kase hindi ako ganon.. kaya ayun medyo badtrip, kala ko magchechange career na ako.. hahaha...

Di bale na, baka di talaga ako para dun, kase seryoso din dun.. lam mo na ako... parang joke time lang lagi. hahaha..

And today din pala, I saw an engagement proposal of my previous officemate.. ang cute lang.. deserved nya yun. para silang si Popoy and Basha..hehe.. I was smiling the whole time watching it.. minsan kase yung mga ganon nakakairita panuorin... but yung sa kanila, nakakatuwa..

so 10:20 na umuulan pa rin ng malakas. sapat na to.. wala nanamang sense to. haha

Good night!

3rd of february 2021

Recently I've been thinking of changing my career.. chos.. pero why not diba? haha.. but I'm not good at other things.  I can't think of skills I possessed that would help me do something else.

From the very start, I wasn't confident that Civil Engineering is best for me, parang nagkamali lang ata ako eh. hehe I think it would be more satisfying if I became an Architect na lang, I enjoyed designing aesthetics of a building rather that structural design which is the task of a Civil Engineer. Anyway, I just finished the Site development and perspective of that School my father asked me to do using Sketch up, and I am so proud kase marunong pala ako magsketch up, haha. I can't work using Autocad on my Laptop because it's no longer functioning really well. I intend to buy a new laptop but I think it's not practical at the moment, so pagtsatsagaan ko na lang muna tong gamit ko.

Anyway, wala naman masyadong sense tong blog na to. haha... gusto ko lang mag isip.

I tried submitting a blog entry in other website. I just want to know if they'll publish it. Malay natin, mag-aral na lang ako ng effective writing.. Here's the link if you want to read my first published post  Solo Travel.

24th of January 2021

 Tonight,  I'll be sleeping alone as I convinced my 4year old niece to sleep back to their room. She didn't skip sleeping with me since the first time she's been with me no matter how her parents (and me)  asked her to sleep back to their room.  Suprisingly,  today was so easy,  I told her that I'm not really well,  that I'm having a cough (which I really had)  I don't want her to get infected. She cooperated,  but I'm a little sad coz I'm so used to having her by my side. 

A while ago, just before this,  she hugged me and gave me a kiss (diko na napigilan eh,  di naman malala yung sakit ko haha),  she took her stuff toys, pillow,  blanket and told me "I love you Tati"... (so sweet,  I'm so touched hehe)..  But she left me these stuff para may kasama daw ako 

Ayun lang..  Namimiss ko na sya agad and not that I am scared..  My sister asked me kase,  am I afraid to sleep alone tonight??!!.  . Haha,  Nah,  I used to sleep alone before I'm finally home again. 

Good night..  

13th of January 2021

 "Good morning my beautiful nightmare

I guess,  I found our rendezvous, in my slumber

Do I have to write everytime you appear in my dream? 

It's the only world I can feel you

I wonder how are you,  do you meet me in your dreams somehow? 

Or would you even want to see me?

You're my painful  sweetest thing

Maybe i've loved you for so long I wanted to hate you

Or maybe I hate you coz I can't hate you

Believing I'll forget you if I'll hate you

Maybe i'm saying so much things that isn't right

You won't know anyway,  would you? 

One of the dumbest thing is to wait for something deep inside you,  you know wont be coming

I even waited for you to say goodbye, and you didn't,  so how could I still be waiting? 

Or maybe there's no really goodbyes for us

Coz we never really had something to end

Or some things just don't have ending, just like that." 

Run Free, my Garfield

Gonna miss this buddy,  our Garfield.  He was hit by a car yesterday kase nangapit bahay nanaman..   

It was heartbreaking.  Hinihigpitan na namin wag makalabas ng gate pero masyado syang maparaan...  

I'm gonna miss you my Garfield..  Rest well