starting to despise my profession

 

I’m starting to hate my profession… it’s making me feel the regret again… during college days, I used to doubt the course I chose, it’s as if it doesn’t suits me. I can still remember myself uttering that it wasn’t the right choice. But because I have no other option, I didn’t take risk to jump into another course until one day I found my self marching on the graduation day. One of my happiest days and twice the happiness when I passed the board exam. From that moment, I started to appreciate my profession, I became so proud because not everyone was blessed to passed the examination. But just this morning, I felt that my engineering world just shuttered. I inquired in POEA if they have job hiring or any job order for civil engineers, was not even finished asking when suddenly this guy in charged as if slapped me the words.. “civil engineer? Basta babae, walang hiring”, I’ve been aware of thoughts like this from the very start, but I don’t know why his words caused a real big impact to me… I don’t know if it’s the authoritative and affirmative way of declaring it to me or the fixed truth that female civil engineers cant make it?! So if this is the case, they should put up a new curriculum, civil engineering exclusively for men!! After all those years, I’d been to sacrifices and failures, only gone to waste. Darn it! I’m now filled with what if’s and regrets.. I hate the way I’m becoming bitter now, but I’m only trying to relieve my frustration. I still hope that I’ll be performing my profession someday, and I pray that isn’t a false hope.

unjust hiring process

I’m desperate to have a job right now, though it may not really show since my effort is  really not obvious. Can you blame me? Eh I know that this place is unjustly hiring people, kung wala kang backer, then expect your application be rotten or thrown away somewhere. I see these people in different offices here, some kind of an insult to me because alam ko naming mas deserving ako sa kanila.. but  since, no one would help me, so,  must back off. The hiring process here is not about what you can do, not about your skills but about the being connected to those known people in the society, politicians to be specific. And I heard that, meron na ring bumubili ng item… the idea disgusts me..

Okay, so why do I want to work here knowing that ambiguity and anomaly very rampant here? Well, because my family is here. I want to help them though they don’t demand. Gusto kong bilhin yong mga needs and desires ko with my own money, I want to share it with them. I want to treat my mom whatever she wants, I want it now hanggat malakas pa parents ko. But what else can I do, talagang masungit ang fate sa aken. I can say the I’m one of the unlucky people sa mundo. So, if this is the case, I might leave this place. I’m so much fed up with false hopes. I tried my patience pero hanggang kelan. Will I wait for the day that everything would end up to nothing? Will I let the opportunities waiting outside just fade away?... I don’t want to leave but I have to… this place isn’t the right place for me. Sana someday magkaron na ng progress ang lugar na to….

10 fears that not to be feared

1. Lizard, gecko as well

      They are too small to harm you, people often say, but swear, I’m afraid of lizards, as well as gecko. I wonder if gecko sleeps at day time, I only see them sneaking around at night. 

2. Electricity

      I don’t want to be electrocuted. It’s one of the reasons why from ECE, I shifted to CE. I tend to close my eyes every time I plug and unplug appliances... Hate to see the sparks.

           

3. Crossing the street

      I rather take the dirty overpass than cross a very busy street.

4. Riding in a single motor cycle

      It’s as if I will fall... I only ride in it if it will be the only way of transportation. I’ve been hearing motorcycle accidents everyday and everywhere.

5. Dogs

      I was once bitten... I don’t go to my friends place if they have dogs in their house unless they fetch me.

6. Ghost?

      Never seen one. I don’t want to welcome it if there is such.

7. Long travel in a car

      errr.. even the smell of it makes my stomach turns up side down.

8. Elevator

      I don’t get into it if I’m alone. I’m afraid I’ll be trapped

9. Blood

      I almost faint seeing this crazy man almost swimming in his own blood.

     

10. Darkness

            I prefer lights off in sleeping mode as long as I see a small sign

       of light, in total darkness, I cant breath!

DRAG ME TO HELL

Familiar with this movie? And what made me give a thing on this? My brother bought a cd of it and now it’s reminding me how I’d watched the movie in theater there in Davao City. One dull day and I have nothing to do but wait for the four corner of my room to wrap me in total boredom.. I need to go out or else this world-weariness would drown me into insanity or maybe I’m exaggerating it.. So, alone, I decided to have some strolls in the Gaisano Mall. As I entered into the mall, the list of movies greeted me and this DRAG ME TO HELL caught my attention. Of course, I saw the trailer once so I was not impulsive then, I really had the plan to watch it. I bought the ticket and entered the cinema, I forgot the cinema number. That was the second time I treated my self for  a movie in that mall and my first time to enter the cinema number I forgot. As I stepped into the room, I almost stumble, I’m not familiar with the place and the darkness blinded me. I almost jumped when I heard the eerie sound from inside the theatre,  I want to turn my back and get out, I didn’t even reach the seats but there’s no turning back, I wont let my 80 pesos gone to waste. Then suddenly I heard screaming, fighting.. random sounds, fright suddenly leaped into my face… again I hesitated but I didn’t let my fear overpower me.. the scene that welcomed me was the fight between the main character and old woman—the sort of villain. As I tried to make my self feel comfortable with my seat, I realized that I was the only person inside the theater… what!!!... it was unexpected.. but still, I wont runaway… after a while, there are few people entered the cinema, I was relieved…. And finished the movie…

30 ITEMS TO REMINISCE SCHOOL DAYS

Here are the questions I gathered from different surveys I’ve read…

1. At what age you first entered school?

      4, nursery ata yun, advance sana ako, but I stopped nung grade 1

2. Schools?

      MSU-mag, AES, LLCS, NDCFG,MSU-main campus

3. Course?

      My first course was ECE, even tried AE but end up with CE

4. Awards and Honors received?

      8^th honorable mention nung elementary, dean’s lister ng isang semester lang sa college.. ambisyosa ako eh, my nalalaman pang Engineering na Kurso.. mahina naman sa math… hehe

5. Absences and Tardiness?

      Hindi ako magaling jan, I almost got Perfect Attendance Award nung High school.. hehe

6. Highest Grade attained? Which Subject?

      I have three 1.0 grades nung college, History and STS, tapos yung Philosophy-not even part of Engineering curriculum..

7. Favorite food on break time or recess?

      Kahit ano. Unang recess ko 1^st year highschool –chiz it and coke.

8. Fights?

      I’m friendly.. hehe.. my nakaaway pero di naman brutal.

9. Cries?

      I cried a lot during my elementary days and overcome it high school

10. Do you cheat?

      Di masyado, ayoko ngang mablack listed.. hehe.. I did cheat, pag halos lahat na nagkokopyahan…

11. Did you ever failed in any subjects?

      Not only once but many times.. di naman pabaya.. sadya lang ayaw saken nung mga subjects na yun.

12. Did you cause trouble to the extent your parents being called?

      Never

13. Embarrassing moments?

      Dami..

14. Crush?

      Crushes kamo…

15. Who is enrolling you?

      Nung college lang ako natotong ienrol sarili ko.

16. Do you participate in an oral recitation?

      Pag tinatawag lang.

17. Do you lead a group?

      No way… pag wala ng choice

18. Are you once a class officer?

      Never.. if being nominated, I always object.. pero bihira lng naman din akong nominated..

19. Did your tried cutting classes?

      Nope

20. What do you if you feel sleepy in the class?

      Candies..

ambush questions II

10 AMBUSH QUESTIONS (Today's Diary)                        10:10am sept11,09

 

1. What food did you intake today?                                     

            I’m having a fasting, the last foods I ate is about 6 hours ago.. rice, corned beed, squid, sliced bread... that’s it, my apetite is very low when eating 3 o clock in the morning... all I wanted to do then is to finish my food and go back to sleep.. and now, I’m a bit hungry and have to wait for 6pm...

 

2. What's on your purse?                                            

            So tired to count the money I have in it.. all I know is, there are hundred bills, fifty, twenty.... and coins... then the ballpen Engr. Fudalan gave me when he came back to office from Singapore, my father’s atm card and the withdrwal receipts.. why do I have it?? Secret..lol!

 

3. In your wallet?                                           

            Same old things.. (my answers during the previous interview).. only that, I have in it my voter’s id.. and only 300 peso bill (poor!)... and a cotton bud.. hahaha.. I dont what made it there..

 

4. Did you hate a person today?

            Nah...

 

5. Did you read anything today?          

            The book of Dale Carnegie.. and the postings and replies in my fb account.

 

6. What are you wearing right now?

            An Orange shirt and a green shorts—actually it’s the girl scout short of my sister.. haha.. I’m not going anywhere, I’l just stay home...

 

7. What sounds you hear right now?

            Very silent here at home now.. I can hear only the sound of the aquarium.. the tube for oxygen (What dyu call that?), then the roosters outside, chirping birds....... the sound of vehicles passing by...

           

 

8. How does the sky looked like now?

            Gloomy? .. it’s actually a fine day..not so hot, best for strolling...

 

9. What's the craziest thing you did today?

            I did nothing nothing crazy today... well, too early to say that.. that’s as of 10:40am.

 

10. What's that thing you wish to do right now??

            Have a big time and enjoying job in dubai

dubai

 

After watching the short presentation of how Dubai is becoming really progressive nowadays, centre of building boom, I was really amazed.. my eagerness of going in there increased!.. I cant wait to go there.. I saw the pictures on how arid and dull the place was way back 1991...very few structures.. and after 12 years, buildings started to boom just like sprouting mushrooms everywhere and unexpectedly… and currently, it is becoming more blooming.. The DUBAI WATERFRONT is really great and this PALM TREE ARTIFICIAL ISLAND is really astonishing. Villas, luxury hotels, theatres and other form of buildings are designed to establish there upon its completion! Wish I was there to be part of the construction.. Surely, it had been made me appreciate more my profession..  The WORLD ISLANDS really cool.. and nothing to beat the only 7 star hotel in the world, the BURJ AL-ARAB.. a night stay there would be a lifetime treasured memory, hope so.. And it’s almost beyond belief, the world’s first underwater hotel, the HYDROPOLIS…  I wish I really can go to that place and visit DUBAILAND, Dubai’s Walt Disney with amusement park and sport city too…. Expect that if it would be totally accomplished….By the way, how would it feel swimming in DIERA BEACH and have some strolls in the coast of DUBAI MARINA and watch the high rise buildings there.  No snow in Dubai, but skiing is not impossible because SKI DUBAI is now open… I just wish, I’ll be destined to go to that place.. I must work on it..

when you're not prepared

Sept. 5, 2009

I had this interview a while ago and I’m upset about it.. I want to be impressive but it wasn’t supposed to be the best… Maybe I am only comforting myself in thinking that that institution (it’s a Non Government Organization) wasn’t my field of profession, they need  social workers not a Newly licensed Civil Engineer.. All my life, I have experienced failure, I’m always not involve… I hide my self.. I don’t want to join in any form of organization… I don’t want to lose my self in action… I hate crowd… I hate talking in front of many people….you can rate my self confidence zero.. So what would you expect from me now?? …. Do you think they would hire a person like that?... I was the one who need help I guess… But I don’t want to be helped… I don’t want to owe anybody because I’m afraid they’ll ask for paybacks, wont be able to do them favors…So pathetic.. I know exactly that I am trudging the wrong way…. I want a change now. I wish I could.

Back to that interview, what worst is, my very close friend is one of the interviewing panels… what a shame… It wouldn’t really matter to me if I was being embarrassed in front of many people I don’t know, rather than to those who knew me well… We’ve been to happy and easy going life, and then in just a blink of time…. We are into that situation!! I haven’t answered the questions excellently, nor good… maybe to them, it wasn’t even satisfying… Now I know why we should research on the company or employer background, as well as the position your applying for… I don’t really mind it before… to me, I just need to be myself, but It wasn’t enough… Coz, if you’re ask about their sort of history and functions and you will stammer…. Then don’t doubt.. that will surely happen.. you’re submitting your self in battle without any weapon..

I don’t know why the right thoughts come out when the show is already done.. was it really that way? Or it’s just me whose being really stupid?.. I want to prove myself now, but what if I am really meant to be a loser for the rest of my life? See , that’s already an attitude of a dim person. Then how will I know anyway if I wont give it a try.. Now, I’m debating with my self.. as always, I’ll end up confused.

Anyway, emotional freak, I am becoming here. This is only about that interview.. It was a good interview then.. another experience.. will I be hired? Let’s find out.. anyway, the job wasn’t really I am supposed to be.. But if given a chance, then I might be.. again, lets find that out.