NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

These are just maybe’s, I don’t really rely on my resolutions, sad to know that I am so inconsistent in most things, today I will, tomorrow I don’t…

 

1. wouldn’t care if I’ll be rejected
2. Be confident and independent
3. become more optimistic
4. Express what I really feel, yes when yes, no when no!
5. Give people chances, must not judge them in the first encounter
6. Insecurities and bitterness, set aside.
7. Acceptance of inevitable
8. more faith
9. face the world with good outlook
10. meet new people

 

 

But these ten we’ll try… J

VM said that

"you really would not like the feling of having several seconds of silence and freeze ryt after waking up. its like bein afraid of sumthng u wudnt like to come. u come to think, ur mind wanders, ul have second thoughts,... and most importantly u become angry of the circumstance of having to work abroad and away frm wer ...u love to stay! CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME THE POWER TO FREEZE TIME!?"

VM, my friend in facebook and a college batch mate posted this on Facebook, I want to tell him why work abroad when he feels that way??? but since we're not that close, i did not say anything on his page..
Actually his line makes me feel confuse now, beacuse I am thinking of exploring, and might work in far away place too... (lol?)

last day of 2009

"goodmorning world.... seize the day! last day of 2009........"

that I posted to my facebook account just this morning....and I wonder if I "Carpe Diem" today...
wala lng, just to make a post in the end of 2009!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

just a flashback

I condemned what had happened to Maguindanao Massacre, and it reminds me of this one critical, almost suicidal trip from Davao City to Cotabato City, September 2009. We’ve been hearing anomalies and killing incidents in the area of Maguindanao, specifically the area in the south. Though I haven’t seen any concrete evidence but I’ve heard enough about the place, I know those are not just gossips, not hearsay, the issue won’t come out without bases.

 

With my parents and my brother whose our driver that time, and my uncle who rode with us, we had a trip home. It’s past 3 pm when we left Davao City, our route is Davao City passing north Cotabato to Cotabato City proper, the usual and nearer path. When we were about to reach Makilala, we received a text from home informing us that flash flood again hit the part of the highway of our original route, so we wont be able to cross. There’s no turning back, we need to get back home that day, so without hesitation, Ayah declared to pass the other way, we took the unfamiliar road from Makilala. The first place we passed by was so peaceful, but the silence gave me strange feeling, no electricity in the area, it’s seems that we were the only traveler at that moment.

 

 After almost an hour, we saw lights in the other side of the road, there were finally vehicles from afar, and we met in the cross road of Datu Paglas. Then we get through Buluan and see a lil crowd and establishments in Tacurong City, we stopped in a Gasoline Station, that’s past 6pm..

 

then here we ago again, back to the trip… it’s again total darkness when we reached the other places in Maguindanao, very few street lights, some part none at all.. Surely we passed the controversial junction going to the area of the massacre. Between 7 and 8pm, I resemble the place into a ghost town, no human beings roam around, no other traveler, but a tractor-- reminds me of the backhoe. We also encounter checkpoints, luckily they didn’t stop us, oh, yes, we were stopped once, if I were not mistaken, those were CAFGU's  detachment. The inspector didn’t say a word, just watched us with his flashlight… then we move on…

 

Thank God... We reached home safe at 9pm… well, just a flashback!

I HAVE THE BEST PARENTS IN THE WORLD

I have the best parents in the world, but unfortunately they don’t have the best children in the world. The angst I’m feeling right now is brought to me by the situation I just witnessed a while ago. Our eldest brother was sort of blaming my mother for his misfortune and of our other brother (they two actually haven’t finished their schooling, and not going to school is absolutely their choice).  It’s not fair to blame our parents for that, I’m in the deepest mode of anxiety too… and I don’t blame them, of course they’re not perfect but they are still the best, I wont exchange them to other people. If given a chance to return the time and choose parents, I will still choose them… I despised my self for making them feel sometimes that they contribute to my failure, I can’t help it sometimes…. Especially when I have no one to blame… but right now, I’m in a condition where I’m in a state of declaring what is really inside me…. And that’s I truly love my parents, that I’m going to offer my life to them… that I live because of them and live for them… I pray to God that I’m going to be successful so I could dedicate it to them. They don’t deserve this, they are good but being paid with discouragement from their own children. I feel very sorry that I cant even make them proud of me.

MY EXISTENCE

I’ve been hearing so many reasons why life should be appreciated, life is beautiful. But I’m still on the trudge searching for these reasons. I can see these people enjoying life because they have reasons to. This is my quest to my life’s meaning and I know very well that I have long way to run. I don’t want to end up not knowing the purpose of my existence. I want to know why life is beautiful or if it’s only to chosen ones. I want to do what I really I want to do, I want to gain more confidence. I want to serve my family. I want to know many more things and I hope it’s not too late... Yes I agree that happiness is all in the mind, but my mind is not that absurd and numb. No matter how I tried to eradicate naysayer attitude, it still comes after me  but swear I try to go against it. Well, I sound morbidly hopeful right now, yes right now, let’s give emphasis to that, maybe melancholic for now but tomorrow I wont. As I said, I don’t want my life just end that way, I need reasons, I must receive what is due to me and behind the obvious truth of this life’s not fair play, I won’t stop believing or at least seek for every purpose……

WHY YOU SHOULD GO OUT OF YOUR SHELL ASH?

You want to know the purpose of your existence right? Why don’t you go out of your shell.. try getting away,  your fate must be in other place.. see? Your about to rot here.. this is the right opportunity, your family is supporting you.. you wont grow up in here… and everything will happen if it is destined to, whether you’re  here or out there.. and now, you might be  confused whether life is a matter of choice or fate…treat it equally but don’t take it too seriously, you might end up confused all over again…

 

Hey, your batchmates might earning a lot of money now, Marnelli in Los Angeles, Ermelyn almost circumscribed the Earth, you’re friends and classmates in UAE who are nurses now, and the girl, a civil engineer too in Dubai… and everyone else… now, what do you want to do, just wait for your deterioration?

 

 

Go, spread your wings and soar, don’t let your wings just fade in oblivion, you can do it, just trust your self.. if they can do it, you can to…

 

I saw the starry and the blue and made me wonder where you are, are you looking down at me too? So, I sent a message to the