366th of 2020

Because it’s the end of the 2020, I require myself to write something, to reflect and have some sort of recapitulation , quick write on the thoughts I wanted to blog (pero diko nagawa, kase tinamad ako J or got busy babysitting), or wherever this post may take me.

This year surely has been tough for everyone brought by the Pandemic. I have my own stories of being locked up in my boarding house for two months without anyone else.  But I can say, it wasn’t totally a waste of time. I became closer to the Almighty, I had spent the Ramadan alone during those days but I can conclude it’s one of the best fasting I performed. I even memorize that very powerful verse on the Holy Quran.

Most people lost their jobs during the Pandemic, I lost mine too by resigning. Yes, it could be wrong timing but it was a decision I had to do. The process didn’t go well, I encountered one of the terrible people who made bad impression on me, it stressed me out but I battled it with a lot of patience.

Due to Pandemic , I was infected too, not of the disease but I became a Plantita. I ordered a lot of plants, including seeds, but unfortunately plants didn’t love me back. Haha. Because of that, I refrained planting, but I’m still taking care of those who survived my trying hard green thumb. It's the trend and maybe not really my thing but for some moments, it made me relaxed.

It’s been almost five months since I became jobless, and the application procedure on the Government offices is really slow. I’m almost losing hope. I had interviews too but it didn’t go well, it actually made me feel that I was really wrong in choosing my profession. The interviews almost consumed my self esteem because I couldn't  remember some technical matters. Or maybe because I have different work experiences that my application was sort of a career switch. I believed in my self though I'm not convincing,  but that's not who they are looking for. There's so much discouragement especially that everyone says that your chances to get hired is advance if you have this "backer thing", no matter how good you are or how lousy you are wont matter.  

All I can do now is wait, more patience and  trust Almighty's plan for me. At the moment,  I must enjoy the present,  watch over my nieces and get more closer to my family. It's something I missed through the years. 

Though Netflix is a bad habit, I admit it saved me from boredom too, watched too many movies and  series but the following really glued in my mind.

An Indonesian Movie, “Love Sparks in Korea”, there’s nothing really about the movie but I could relate because the main cast is a traveler and a writer. I want to be like her. Even before I watched the movie, I've always imagined roaming around the world, get enchanted on the wonders of the world, write about anything there, about the ordinary people I'll meet along the way, yes just the ordinary people. I want to create a book about the lifestyle and beliefs of random people in different places, how would they define their version of happiness and fulfillment. I'm also an ordinary average person, and I believe that not only those on top of entertainment , power and wealth deserve to be written. But as I've said, I've always imagine that, I don't know if it will ever happen.

Because I landed on that movie, another Indonesian film was  suggested, so I watched it. I forgot the title but it's about Polygamy. At first I don't want to watch it as I'm not  promoting Polygamy, though it is accepted in Islam. But the movie was beautifully created that I didn't regret watching it I've even watched the part two. This movie would help some people understand  why Polygamy is allowed in Islam. 

Attack on Titan Series. The relationship of Eren, Mikasa and Armin really moved me. They made a perfect team. Though I can see myself thru Eren because he got that motivation and will power but he's a little clumsy and incompetent sometimes haha. Also with Armin,  he's amazing but he had an inferiority complex,  he thinks that he's really not important,  that he's nothing but a burden.  Little did he know that he's worth the keep.  As for Mikasa, she is undeniably the most skillful in terms of fighting among the three but  she's very much concern in protecting Eren. Ewan, I just can relate on some part of their personality, except that fighting skills haha.

Enough on movies.

To wrap this up, there's not much of "happy moments" in 2020, I risked losing my job believing I could find a new one close to home, I had bad interviews I almost lost my confidence, I got no travels, my other plants died, I cant think of a new career for me (that I'll be good at)  and other unfortunate events cause by this Pandemic. But despite all these, I'm still very grateful, Alhamdulillah, I had time knowing more about the Almighty, had so many good times with my family and they are healthy Alhamdulillah, we had sufficient food in our table and able to purchase our necessary needs. I've learned to be more patient. 2020 may not be the best year for me but it taught me a lot of things. Alhamdulillah

The Introvert me on the 18th of December

My introvert personality is surfacing again right now. haha.. I just can't detail things but I just hate it when I'm caught between staying on my comfort zone versus showing up and talk to people! it's not right I know, but what can I do? I'm trying to force myself to be normal like everyone else, but I'm really having a hard time. I know, being like this makes me appear like I'm rude or lacking with good manners (and right conduct lol)

 I'm open to changes, not because I want to please all the people, but because I don't want people accuse me of being unfriendly.. actually unfriendly is fine with me, pero yung walang manners, that's unacceptable. haha.. kainis naman.

When I was younger, I don't really mind if I am appearing despicable. Sabi nga nila tanggapin mo na lang kung sino ka or ano ka.., don't mind what other people say. In some ways, that's correct but if we can change into a good version of us, why not diba? kung kaya mo. haha... Okay, I'll try. 

Dec 13, 2020

 ....wala akong work pero feeling ko ang busy ko.  Good night.  Bukas na lang InshaAllah 

Random story about my Niece

One night my niece came to my room feeling so annoyed,  having tantrums,  ayaw daw nya sa kwarto nila,  ayaw daw nya sa nanay at tatay nya..  Haha.  Ofcourse I'm not that type of Tita who tolerate such attitude..  Eh kaya lang,  saken daw talaga sya matutulog.. This is the 5th (maybe 6th?) night that she's been sleeping here...di naman na sya galit but still gusto pa rin nya dito.  I don't have a problem with that kaya lang,  medyo masikip, di ako nakakagalaw,  I have a single size bed and dala dala pa nyang mga tropa nya.  Haha.. And I need to bangon everytime she asks for her milk (arte ko dun haha,  hirap magfull english). 

Right now,  she's already sleeping while I'm writing this. She's been talking a lot, ang daldal. Before she slept, she asked me to tell her a story,  so I made stories but she keeps on interrupting,  revising my stories,  kulit din,  so I told her..  Kaw na lang kaya magkwento??!..  Haha

She's only 4 but she's really witty,  medyo pasaway lang minsan,  may attitude problem din,  nakuha ata nya saken.  Haha.. she calls me "Tati".. as in Tita yan. When she started talking,  some words she spoke in reverse way,  ewan bakit..  like Toti (tito), Lalo (lola)  .. But eventually,  she learned the correct terms..  Pero I enjoyed her calling me that way (Tati)..   Kaya I just let her.. Though minsan Tita na tawag nya saken. 

Anyway,  wala lang.  Nagkukwento lang ako sa kawalan.. Gusto ko lang magsulat,  magkwento kahit nonsense...  But for me,  this made sense.... A story about one of my my happy pills,  she's my first niece. 

 I posted something about this in my fb story kaya lang I deleted it.. Kase parang kulang sa pansin...  Haha..  Eh ano naman? Dito na lang sa blogger,  wala pang nakakaalam na ang babaw ko rin minsan.  Haha.. 

Good night! Might edit this tomorrow.

 

Lazy Monday 9th of November

10:40 A.M

Still on my bed at this point of time,  not rolling my curtains yet coz I don't wanna be blinded by the sunlight..  Acting like a vampire?  Haha..  My room facing where the sunrise is,  I loved it but sometimes I'm too lazy to face it.  My nieces who usually ransacking my room by  now,  playing,  messing around,  fighting,  watching same movies on my tv,  -- are not around. That's why I had the chance doing this.  They went to my sister's office just accross the street.  I know they shouldn't be there due to Pandemic. They'll be here anytime soon anyway. 

I'm hungry a little but I'm still lazy coming out my shell.  My brother in law probably having a zoom meeting I might get caught on the camera,  I need to pass by him when I'll go downstair. Haha

About 3 months ago,  I hate Mondays. Now,  I don't even know its Monday. I'm still jobless and I'm not proud.  Lol.  But I'm fine.  I don't wanna lose hope and think that I am waiting for something that's not gonna happen. I'm still waiting. That's all I can do for now. What's meant for me will be mine InshaAllah. 

11:20am

Still here with these annoying photos haha..  Might delete this later.  I'm trying to write my entry on my happy journal,  but the question on the page is a bit tough. So selfie instead?  Haha

1:58P.M

I just got back here in my room, I went out when I heard my nieces back home and they brought me a chocolate cake baked by my sister's officemate. I think baking is fun..  Hmmm... I want but I can't!  Errr

Then I checked my plants,  I transferred two flower seedlings in out front yard,  i hope it'l grow successfully... It was my second time ordering plant seeds online but I'm always disspointed ..  Maybe two percent grew and bloomed.. The rest germinated but died eventually,  others didn't even germinate.   So that green thumb thing?  i don't have it..  But still trying.

5:30pm

Done watching this...  I loved it.  It made me cry. Haha

9:08pm

So I'm done with my journal today..  I told you it's kinda tough to answer that question. 

So how would you answer this?  

10:59pm

Good night... Though I might watch another movie before I really sleep. 

26th of October

 Felt this.  

16th October 2020

It's fun babysitting my nieces.. And we looked happy on this picture.. We are actually happy, and I'm happy having these two.  Kahit pa, not a single day na hindi ako nagiging referee,  magkasundo naman sila pero madalas din mag away... Yung wala ka dapat kampihan..   Yung sabay sila iiyak,  And the worst is pag nagpapakarga sila pag may sumpong, ang bigat kaya nung isa,  haha.

That concludes that being a Nanny is really tough.  But I'm happy having them.  They loved staying in my room, pag sobrang kulit na..  pinapalayas ko hahaha...  But I would miss them agad agad din..  I just loved them,  alhamdulillah for having them. 

Wala lang.  Sinasabi ko lang. 

 Now  there's something I know I am..  A dakilang Tita!  :)

Good night. 

 

Just Another Beautiful Nightmare

" So, I saw you in my dreams again.  But this time,  you waved your hand,  you smiled at me,  you've talked to me somehow.  But I woke up not remembering anything you've said. All I know is,  you were there.  Why do we sometimes forget the details of our dreams? And why do I see you in my dreams?  Now,  I'm wondering if by any chance I dropped by in your dreams as well,  maybe not,  maybe never. 

I wanted to tell you,  I saw you in my dreams. Would you be glad?  It's the only place,  you I can keep. 

I'm writing the words I doubt you would wan't to hear.  I just need it out of my thoughts. "

11th of October 2020

Alhamdulillah...  I'm thankful about everything...  I may not have all the things I wished for,  but it's okay.  Someday,  InshaAllah,  everything will be alright.   We'll be alright...  :)

For the moment,  I'm grateful of the things I'am blessed with. For today,  "No Movement Sunday" but had a great time with my family...  Gardening,  eating delicious food,  playing with my nieces and nephews,  Sho

pee!( may inorder nanaman ako haha),  had Banana-q  on our yard(despite the rain), chat friends (teh,  glends and marj) ...   At yun lang yun... But its something I have that I will surely wont trade for anything... 

Maybe I'm really getting old,  mga ganto na lang ang trip ko haha..  

Good night. 

Today's not so Okay.. but it's Okay

 

Sept 26, 2020

 I'm finally back to my senses..   Haha.. I was upset for about 3 weeks but now I'm feeling better.  Alhamdullillah.. 

Today,  i just had bonding moment with my nieces..  And my body aches a bit, coz my other niece is having her tantrums where she wants to be carried..  Eh ang bigat bigat nya..  Haha

Grocery time also with my sister and I cooked my favorite chicken dish... Medyo maalat nga lang,  pero napadami naman ako ng kain.. 

And I had also an unexpected good news,  Alhamdulillah.. 

Wala lang..  Yun lang.  Good night! 

I'M GETTING NOT SO NORMAL ON THIS NEW NORMAL

I wasn’t the best version of myself recently, actually I’m not sure if I’ve already reached that point in my life where I can say it’s the best version of myself.  But surely I’m the worst right now, everybody hates me as much as how I hated myself.  Don’t worry (oh, who’s worrying? Lol), I’m handling my terrible self well, controlling this  irrational act is tough coz I believed it’s already in my personality that attacking me from time to time, but I’ll take care of it. I just pray that this paroxysm will fade as soon as I can and when it happens I hope it’s not too late to fix the mess I caused because I can’t organize myself. I don’t want to be on that point where I couldn’t forgive myself, coz by now I’m already having resentment but I’m still not behaving righteously. Yes, despite that bad attitude I ‘m showing off, I’m really trying not to give up on my faith that everything will be okay, I struggle  so hard not to  entertain the whispers telling me that my prayers won’t be heard coz I’m being devilish (exaggerated? ). What’s exactly going on inside me head? I’m having the battle between good and bad, annoyed, irritated,  little miserable. And it happens everytime I’m feeling disappointed and I know exactly that I’m having the wrong reaction but I can’t help it. Am I crazy? Haha..

 

But I’m not here to tolerate this, I’m just writing to lighten up my heavy heart. I’m also taking advantage of the time, coz it’s when I think I could write a bit substantiated (but still terrible lol). The way I write is actually frustrating. When it’s one of the things I used to love but I can’t do it in the approved manner, it adds to this injury.

 

I’LL BE FINE… INSHAALLAH

The Struggle of an Average Introvert

 August 14, 2020

Today’s the end of my 14 day self quarantine. Nobody told me to do so but I’m being just extra cautious as I came from a high risk City. I went home after I resigned from my job and now I feel like I don’t know what to do next. I’m just wondering had I not put myself on this isolation, maybe I’ll still do the same thing—that “doing nothing, just movies, sleep, eat and plant”. That maybe I used Covid-19 as my valid excuse so I can’t be productive, and now that the 14 day is over, I’m still not going to do anything substantial, guilty! And I’m pressured!

No explaining here why I quit my job, but I’m waiting for job interviews. If this Government of ours will be fair enough in the hiring process then I vouch myself, I know I deserve a position --- But on the frustrating note, no one will back me up “inside”! I hope you know what I mean, I got myself only on this fight! I believe in myself, I don’t think they will, coz they don’t know me! Haha..  cut this, I smell bitterness already. But I’m hopeful that I’m not receiving a call yet because of the slowing down on almost everything  due to Covid-19 and not because they have forgotten about me… errr

 

Anyway, I was also thinking of putting up a business, but I don’t know what suits me. If I let this procrastination keep going, then I might lose my savings. Everyone is practicing online selling, but duh??!! What and to whom I’m gonna sell stuffs. There’s nothing wrong in online selling, but knowing me, who don’t have connections, no guts, not even too many friends,-- this trade won’t work for me.

 I was thinking of writing, nah! I just loved writing but I’m not good at it…  I tried  submitting an article to a certain website, but they refused to publish it. I’m just trying to appease  myself that what I submitted to them was really unacceptable , I wrote it  in a span of one hour early morning inspired by that dream I had, not even checking my grammar.

Habitually, my articles are for my eyes only, and for one or two persons, I’m fine with that but now that I wanted to have an extra income, I signed up for an AD, but I realized I can’t even post my blog on my other social media account, so who would see those ads? Haha

The trend now is Vlogging, but I don’t even want to see my face nor hear my voice on videos. haha

I got addicted to planting during the quarantine, I purchased seeds online. I was thinking I could establish a small garden shop if I can grow those seeds. I succeeded germinating them, but unfortunately, they died!

Wahh… I’m not good anything! What shall I do??? Lol

Enough for this crabby, I just want to mention those things so I’ll feel better.

My 9th of August 2020

I'm supposed to write and post this last night before 9th of August ends, but I spent the last hours watching the ending of Its Okay to Be Not Okay. I got tired also of gardening the entire day, my body aches a little today, haha. 

I didn't really expect birthday greetings too as I turned off the notification but when I opened my FB page, I still got this:

I'm not really celebrating my birthday but knowing some people greet you on this day is overwhelming.

So no matter how I turned off my birthday notification, I still had these comments.

I just loved that Jeny's letter to me long time ago.  I don't really have that someone who is patient enough to give me lengthy  and cheesy letters,  I'm the one who is doing that haha.  And also,  that kind of timeless friend you communicate from time to time or kahit every birthday mo lang is worth keeping. 

I got also a call from Mac.. I have very few male friends whom I am comfortable with, and he's one of them. I really appreciate him not changing all these years.

I've been doing this kind of post every 9th of August,yung mag eeffort talaga akong magscreen shot, even at this Age.. I'm really that kind of a corny person, I hate it too. hahha

Anyway, I thank everyone who greeted me, it made my ordinary day not-so-ordinary. Especially those who truly remembered that I was born in August 9.. haha... We are all busy with our different every day living that remembering your friend's birthday is not really essential, salamat sa Facebook at nagreremind sya... (while I didn't allow FB to remind you,  nasa memories lang ng iba)  hehe  Ako din naman, as in I wrote it down just now,  I can remember around 12 birthdays only of my friends. Pero tingin ko madami na yun para maalala ko. 

Anyway, natuwa lang ako sa mga pusa. wala namang konek.

Ayun,  wala naman masyadong ganap ang August 9 ko,  arte lang to kase marami akong time ngayon mag inarte.  Hahaha

Sorry if you got here and ruined your time.. 

Have a nice day.  :)

Trying my Green Thumb

Since I'm already jobless,  and been interested with plants recently,  I bought various seeds,  mostly flowering. 

August 3 and 4 , I planted them,  can't wait to see them germinate InshaAllah.. 

My Beautiful Nightmare

"6 am,  I woke up from a beautiful nighmare,

Still in my bed while I'm writing this.

It's been ages since you left without a word,

But I still miss you even when I should not. 

I stopped writing letters that only the wind could read.  I ceased wishing on the stars to get the approval of sharing our different worlds.  I halted talking about you,  even how much I wanted someone to hear our story. I guess,  nobody knows you're still breaking my heart. 

It makes me miss you even more everytime I see you in my dreams. And I'm not even hearing your voice on those.  I only see your eyes staring at me. I felt your presence walking along side but you never spoke a word.  I didn't want to wake up as I was waiting for your unspoken words,  but you never did.  Why do you always have to fade without talking to me?? 

Our story may not be One for the Books,  but it always touched my heart.  It didn't last long,  it actually never ends,  it only fades into nothingness,  but it remains in my heart.

I may not have that story that every girls were blessed with. I may have believed in a fairy tale without the Living Happily Ever After, I may looked fine on the real world, well, I am.  I needed to be fine,  so I am. 

There are just days like these,  mornings of broken heart, waking up from selfish dreams. Remembering you when I thought we are so over.  Some people really have that missing piece,  and for me,  you are the one I missed.  :)

This too shall pass,  as how those days passed me by, without knowing why I have to meet you and cherish you in my memories forever. I don't even know how you felt, do you hate me too sometimes?  I hated you sometimes. 

But it's okay,  6.55am now,  I must face the real world.  I just needed to write my heartaches so I'll be fine..... As always.  "

My Second Resignation

Well,  I need to write my thoughts before it fades, I know I don't write that much anymore but I just can't let my mixed emotions at the moment unrecorded.  

I can't really say that I'm sad, not even happy, but I'm totally fine.  Today,  I'm officially one of the Philippine's increasing number of unemployed due to Covid-19... Its just that my case is different,  I wasn't retrenched..  I resigned....  for some reasons and with outcome that I don't want to dicscuss anymore,  I moved on!  Haha

Yesterday was my last day at work.  It was my second resignation at the same company..  Packing my things made me emotional,  I'm gonna miss my office table,  I'm gonna miss eating my breakfast at the office,  I'm gonna miss my work even my busy days,  I'm gonna miss Glenda and the food she prepares for us, I'm gonna miss Jomah bullying me and vise versa,  I'm gonna miss yannie's sweet funny voice, I'm gonna miss lionel's annoying attitude and his patience driving for us,  Ate Elpies's cooking for us... And I'm gonna miss our usual things (before pandemic)..  Our badminton sessions, eat all you can in Yakimix, Vikings, Tong yang and Roxas night market, Videoke session ..... I'm gonna miss my time alone after work--where I just ride jeepneys not knowing where to go or then I'll end up on a Cinema with my favorite Barbq popcorn...

Well nothing really lasts forever.. 

So i had these pictures on my last day. 

And these too.  I couldn't get a descent pose coz I'm too conscious haha..  I just badly needed an evidence that once in my life,  I worked here..  I was assigned to three projects but this is the recent one. 

That's it! 

Realizations of an Average Person During the Quarantine

The Covid 19 Pandemic surely caused changes on the regular routine of everyone in the world. It’s been almost three months since the quarantine occurred in our city, and by now, most of us surely have their individual realizations and lessons learned. I know we have different quarantine stories. My story might not be as intense as other people’s story, but I’m speaking in behalf of those average people who seem to think that their life is not worth a book.

 

Where did I spend my Quarantine Days?

When the lockdown was imposed last 26^th of March, I was staying in my Boarding house almost 1 kilometer from my working place. I was staying there all by myself, I was not able to travel to my family home due to city restrictions.

 

What Kept me Sane During the Quarantine?

The perks of being an introvert made things easy for me.  I find solitude and peace in being alone. So on the first days of the quarantine, I never felt any sign of anxiety.  After consuming lots of movies and TV series on the first week, and unfortunately that increasing number of Covid positive signifying the lockdown will be extended for a long time, I thought I needed to do something productive.  So how can I be productive inside that small room w/o even a beautiful sight of the world? My room has a small window but is facing another wall. So I needed to went out daily on our common clothesline area just get some sunshine and fresh air. I can’t even bring my dirty clothes to Laundry shop, so I washed almost daily so it won’t pile up. That was also an alibi for me to stay in the clothesline.

 

I finished that inspirational Chicken Soup book and started reading a self improvement book that was lying on my shelf for too long. I wrote blogs again.

Until the Ramadan came by last 24^th of April. I’m supposed to spend the Ramadhan in my hometown with my family but unfortunately, I still can’t go home. But it turns out that I had the best Ramadan ever in terms of performing it correctly. I downloaded the Holy Qur-an  and read it. I even almost completed prayers. For the first time in my life, I performed the late night prayers or Tahajud.  I watched daily sermon of Mufti Menk about Comfort for Crisis.  Alhamdulillah, If not due to lockdown, I will not be able to do that.

 

What are my top three Realizations during this pandemic?

We had a zoom meeting with my officemates and these were also the things I’ve told them.

First, Faith to the Almighty. When you are alone and left without choice where anxiety will try to eat you up, Faith will save you. The quarantine brought me closer to the almighty and I really felt His Presence.

Second, Gratitude. Appreciation of small things. Focus on what you have and be thankful about it. Knowing that my family and I were healthy, and we still have resources for our food  is something I need to thank about, Alhamdulillah.

Third. Savings. I thank myself for being so thrifty when it comes to money.  Aside from travelling, I don’t spend  lot on material things. New gadgets and branded clothes are not my thing. So now that we can’t have our normal salary, I still have money to purchase my necessities. Alhmadulillah

How to Uplift Yourself when Someone Wont Let You

It's not easy to lose your job in this time of crisis . I'm possibly about to lose mine without compensation... 

Last March,   I verbally informed my Functional Head that I'll be resigning because our project is struggling for budget that we need to cost cut and transfer someone to our Manila project (from Davao). This someone lives in Davao, she disliked going to Manila but she had no choice. So I decided to quit my position so she can stay, I know how it feels coz I don't want to go back to Manila either (been assigned there for 6 years,  I resigned but rehired in this Davao project) . At the same time I was also applying a job in my hometown, I'm just taking my chances as I'd really love to work close to my family. 

  

But the Pandemic  seems to freeze things. I was not able to formally file my resignation due to lockdown and the job opportunities at my home place were put on hold too. 

It's almost three months but we haven't got back to work yet though we have some work from work arrangements.  Our salaries are limited but the Company offered Cash advances too. 

Few days ago,  my Functional Head phoned me if I'm still pursuing my resignation and I said yes but no specific date yet due to the current situation. I don't feel any sincerity in the puspose of  her calling.   She also phoned my Project In Charge jokingly that I was taking advantage of the company's privilege. That sounded offending to me and it bothered me,  I'm not that kind of person who will take advantage of anyone.  I was grateful of the company's help.  I'm gonna pay that Cash Advance too or work for it. 

I was not able to file the resignation on my original intended last day April 23 due to lockdown..  We have no formal work,  so I can't formally turn over my task which for me is very important.   And I can't go home too due to lockdown so I still need to pay rent for my boarding house (my limited salary for the work I do is sufficient for my rent,  oh sorry if that's taking advange) .. I have no doubt that I've been a good employee, I deserved what I am being paid of,  so it hurts me that this FH is making me feel now. 

Little did I know why she is confirming my resignation, our company is implementing retrenchment. The difference between retrenchment and resignation is that you'll be paid on the former,  and none for the later..  So in this hard time,  retrenchment is the practical  option.

Surely I will be retrenched too (as I've not formally filed my resignation) ,  because last night our President and the other officer incharge are supposed to call me this morning.  But guess who called me?  The FH!  She was once again pointing out that I told her I'm resigning. Wow,  she really is working so hard so I wont get a separation pay. Obviously she is more concerned about the company and not to the person who's about to lose a job. (as if she is the one who's going to pay me haha)..  

I literally had a headache today, got prepared , excited and tensed on that scheduled conversation with the President and the Officer in Charge about the retrenchment, I know its not ideal to lose a job but at least I'll be compensated while waiting for a new job.. I thought prolonging my resignation resulted to something better.  But to my dismay,  the amazing FH came into the picture.  I don't know whats her purpose of doing this,  I want to give her benefit of the doubt. So I told her now that I am unsure of my resignation.. Remember that girl whos about to be transferred to Manila?  She was also retrenched,  so I told the FH that I' am now undecided with my resignation because I have no one to turn over my task to.  I sensed that she didn't like my answer,  as if I lied to her,  that I'm only after the separation pay.  Don't worry FH,  though I told you I'm undecided,  I'm still going to quit this job even w/o separation pay coz I can't stand working with that kind of person. 

Had a terrible day.  

Now,  I'm on the part of lifting myself. So how will I make myself feel better before I sleep tonight?  I still have this headache caused by todays uncertainty, but writing this lighten up my mood...

I'm telling myself that there will always be that kind of people like my FH, and winning against her is tough,  let the Almighty takes care of her.  

What's meant for me even if its between mountains will be mine,  and what's not for me won't be mine even if its already at the tip of my nose,  my Mom reminded me that when I called her a while ago. 

I may not get a separation pay in this trying time (even if I deserve it) ,  I know something better will come,  trust the Almighty.. There must be a reason behind this. (I'll update this blog someday when I'll find that out, InshaAllah ) .

Lastly,  I must be grateful,  Alhamdulillah..  Even without that separation pay,  I still have enough money to get myself food to eat, my family have their own too,  and we are healthy. Alhamdulillah. 

Career Challenge

  

Picture not mine. I just saw this circulating on social media so I am answering it. :)

1. CHILDHOOD AMBITION – I wanted to be a writer or a teacher, I was so sure of that when I was a child.  On my Elementary days, I used to write stories in a piece of paper and I distribute them to my classmates. They actually enjoyed reading them, so I thought I’m going to be writer. In highschool up to college, I was writing poems too, but during those days, I don’t really have readers, my works  mostly for my eyes only. I became dubious of my ability, surely I loved writing but I’m not good at it. There were times I feel like I’m just wasting my time on my trumperies, but there were also days that I didn’t really care if I'm doing it well, coz I loved it! So I keep writing --- for myself.

Also on my elementary days, I was fervently thinking I’m going to be a teacher, just like my Educator father. I remember him asking me to check his student’s Test Papers which I never complained. While writing this, some memories flashed in. I played the role of a teacher to my younger siblings, I made questionnaires and let them participate. I had that grading notebook too where I invented names of students and graded them.. haha.. (parang natatawa ako, para pala akong tanga noon.) I just lost that merriment in teaching when I reached high school. I realized that my confidence in public speaking is only applicable to my siblings and not in front of other people.

2.COLLEGE COURSE. I spent 6 years in college! Yes, I’m not a bad student, I might not be that diligent and intelligent, but surely I wasn’t neglectful or delinquent type. And maybe because Engineering is really tough for someone not good in Math (that’s me). I first took Electronics Communication Engineering, not because I loved it, but maybe because it’s a trend, and it’s cool? I even have units in Agriculture Engineering then finally I shifted to Civil Engineering. I never had good grades in  my Engineering related subjects, though I had 1.0 in Philosophy, Life of Rizal (haha) and other high grades on my other not Engineering related subjects. Grateful that I passed the Civil Engineering Licensure Exam on my first take coz I might think that I really took the wrong path if I didn’t make it.

3.CURRENT JOB. I’m currently a Cost & Contracts Engineer in one of the Country’s Quadruple A construction company. For almost a decade, I’m now on my third project. Happy? Sometimes yes, sometimes not. Civil Engineering is a wide range profession, there are lots of specialties and I am so used to my current position that I actually forgot the other trades. So if you ask me to design your house, I might need a review. Haha..  When you are labeled as Engineer, they thought you are something, yeah, I’ve been to some head wracking situations but its not always like that.  Sometimes, I feel that I’m just working coz I need to earn my own money. I’m not complaining, but there were moments that I still think what if I pursued my childhood ambition, will I be happier?  I’m still looking forward to that day, where I'll get excited waking up each day coz I'm about to do something that I really love doing.

My 2020 Eidl Fit'r

It's Ed'l Fit'r that marks the end of the Holy Month. Indeed it's true,  evils are being tied up during Ramadhan and now they are free,  it seems that they're responsible for me now feeling anxious.

I'm a little bit depressed at the moment,  and the reason I'm doing this write-up is to make myself feel better at the end of this.

Lets start this by acknowledging why I feel down. I never felt this heavy hearted since I started fasting last April 24..  Or even at the start of the quarantine last March 16 where I need to stay alone in my boarding house.. Home is just 4hour drive but I'm stranded. But I was okay,  enjoying my Me-time, I actually learned many things spiritually,  I didn't even miss working..  i was fine..  But today,  I felt bad.

Maybe because I was seeing a lot of family photos on the social media celebrating the Eid together, while I was on my own,  can't even get a fresh air outside,   it saddened me...it made me miss home so much.  I learned also that a colleague,  actually  younger than me,  is becoming really successful,  we have same profession and yet I can't be as successful as her..  She rewards herself by traveling a lot and that made me feel so envious..financially,  surely she is stable that she didn't even needs to work away from her home.  I can't be like her coz I'm not as confident and courageous as her. I'm not as friendly as her that she made a lot of connections.   So I pitied my self. Add to that is I'm not getting any younger.

So I think that's where it all started.  And I can't even talk to anyone to share how I feel at least could lessen this burden,  so I'm writing... as my way of talking to myself.

So now, we're on the part of resolving this. I know I'm being tested. So I'm proving it, overthinking and feeling envious is a task of evil. I must remind myself of the good thoughts I learned during Ramadan..

I must not be sad even I'm on my own during this Eid.. There are also other people who are alone at the moment, I'm not the only one. I must remember that there are people who are in worse condition that I am, some lost family members, some are struggling with this current Pandemic, some are really sick.  Sukor , I must be grateful that my family though are far, they are doing well. There are also other people who are not alone during this Eid but still lonely. Must remind myself that happiness is not always found with people. Often, it is found when it is just you and Almighy Allah. Soon, I'll be home, InshaAllah. This pandemic  will be over, InshaAllah.

Another important thing that nourished my relationship to the Almighty is Sab'r, yes that is Patience. I know my career wasn't really a success and that is because I'm so timid, introvert and not confident at all. I'm even resigning anytime soon due to some reasons I wont detail here... we're not also productive due to this covid virus.. so this means, soon I'll be jobless! which also mean goodbye travels??!! you know how I loved traveling.. it's my therapy!

But I'm resolving my thoughts now,  that's my purpose of writing this and not to get consumed by my lack of positiveness.  I know I'm at the stage of uncertainty, quiting my job at the wrong time maybe not a wise move. But this I believed my company and myself will achieve the mutual convenience. So there comes in my Sabr, surely the Almighty will guide me,  I just need to keep that faith. I must not doubt Him as I must not doubt myself.  Everything will be in place soon.  I must not feel jealous of other people's success and question why can't I be like that.  It would be a huge crisis if I keep on thinking that way.  Just be happy for them,  if I can't, then at least dont hope for them their downful,  that's a sin.  The Almighty gave that success to them,  wait for yours.  Never compare yourself to others,  it will only make us feel resentful.  As what the Desiderata said,  there will always be greater and lesser people than yourself.

And I must not think that my current career is a failure..  It might not be that kind of job that you'll get excited to report to everyday but I was paid with something I deserved, I met few friends, my salary let me  travel to different countries and had started building my house, it might not be as grandiose as others but its something I must be thankful about,  Sukor.  The Almighty loved those who are grateful of their blessings. Alhamdulillah.

I must be reminded that life will always test us, we must guard our attitude.  As this wordly things are just temporary, do not be so attached.. Our attitude and faith are keys to Hereafter.

Now I feel better.  As you can see,  I became so spiritually inclined.. I don't usually do that in my previous blogs.  One of the good things I enhanced during this quarantine is my FAITH.  It can give us comfort to any crisis.  ALHAMDULILLAH.

23 April 2020

Tomorrow is officially the start of Ramadan.  And today is supposedly the effectivity of my resignation so I can spend the holy month at Home.  But due to this Pandemic,  I was not able to go home.  I haven't submitted my resignation either coz I must have enough time to  turn over my task. 

But despite this situation.  I am grateful that we have come again to this month. I'm praying that all our sins we'll be forgiven and my prayers will be accepted.. I pray for my family's health and safety.  I pray also that wherever my career or decision leads me to, the Almighty will approve and bless it,  that I will deserve it. He may guide me the right path.  And lastly,  I pray that this pandemic will soon be over.

What's Keeping Me Sane during the Community Quarantine

Have you accidentally clicked the link and found yourself here? You can touch the back button coz this is  an uninteresting post.

Still here? Don’t blame  me if I bore you haha.

So, why I posted this lame blog on my FB account if I advise you to leave it? Wala lang, maybe there are others who are too bored and might be fascinated to know the whereabouts of someone like me on this Community Quarantine... just in case... 

Anyway, just writing about how I am able to survive from this lockdown, coz someday I might miss this. This is my 21^st day, no work, just  stayed home (as in boarding house)—ALONE.  I was kinda stranded in here due to the road closure from here and there. Honestly, “staying home”  is not  a big deal to me, in fact, I will be very grateful if it happens only in my home place.  With my nieces and nephews, surely I wouldn’t  mind a month long or even more Community Quarantine (for my case) . But unfortunately--- I'M NOT.  Wag ako maarte, still lucky that that's my only problem. 

But who says I’m sad??!! (no one ofcourse haha)  I’m trying to make use and enjoy it… there are few moments I feel the annoyance of being so unproductive but I can easily sheer the mood into something else. 

So what's keeping me sane instead letting doldrums outsmart me?

I still wake up early to perform Fajar Salah then I’ll sleep back. I’ll rise from bed at around 8:30 am or every time I’ll feel a little headache, I'll jolt out of bed ... i need to keep myself moving. 

For my food,   sometimes I cook instant meals, sometimes I’ll just eat bread with cheese or Pineapple Jam, sometimes our Project In Charge will send me food,   sometimes I'll just let Food Panda saves the day. This morning,  I  had Bread and Apples with bagoong. 

Because I couldn’t go to the laundry shop, l wash two or three clothes almost everyday, this way I can get some sunshine in our clothesline area.

I don’t wanna spend the rest of the quarantine period by just watching movies, tv series, eating, washing the dishes, sleeping… so I thought of writing again. Anything  goes , at least my mind wont  get rotten haha.

I read those books resting on my shelf for long time. I finally finished that Chicken Soup for the Soul. Started reading a self improvement book by Dale Carnegie. Even read that Kids Bedtime Stories (intended for my niece when she grows up a little).. I'm not a bookworm, sometimes I stayed in NBS, dawdling around, quick reads,   then I'll buy some books but would only read them in times like this. Sometimes I read them loud as if I'm talking to someone. 

Constant calls from home is keeping me sane. Watching videos and scrolling pictures of my nieces and nephews cheering me up. Listening to my niece telling me (in struggling words) about "Ponyo" is a bliss..  I told my sister to let her watch that,  she'll like that..  And she did. 

Been active on social media..  Posting "mystories" then delete some in a bit realizing I'm being pathetic. I reconnect with old friends.. Text them or Chat with them..  Maybe they're annoyed already.  Haha..  Had this chat a while ago with Teh from SoKor,  and I didn't  know chatting with these effects can be this fun. My first. 

Daily,  I'm getting myself a little exercise too,  those basics.  I tried to search in Youtube, I saw it hard so I went back to basic haha (yung pang elementary na exercise).

I'm constantly checking my body temperature,  I'm enjoying the alarm signal on my digital thermometer even I don't feel any fever at all. Guess,  I'm appreciating small stuff. 

I've been active filling up my happy journal book nowadays. This should be done in a period of one year but I'm too lazy or been work- exhausted to give it a zeal. And today's phrase turns out this way. 

How will I make this day special?  How can I make it different?  In our boarding house,  we had our back gate which I never knew where it leads to..  I've been curious about it,  so today I walked there, went out and saw the road!.. Babaw lang noh?  Haha..  At least my curiousity for almost 4 years ended there. In that case,  I followed Pres.  Duterte's advice na baka may dipa nga ako napupuntahan .

I'm watching a lot of vlogs..  Reading not so famous peole's personal blogs too--I actually enjoy reading ordinary people's lifestyle and blah blah, it's more fun and realistic. 

Oh, and I had lots of selfies too for the last 21 days..  I don't know how tiktok works but I'm fine with selfies..  As this is the only face I'm constantly seeing recently. Just checking if I'm still looking well hehe. 

This is actually my comfort zone,  having my ME-TIME ever..  I might miss this someday so I'm looking at the brighter side.  in the coming days,  I still have lots of things to do... Like cleaning and organizing my closet, throw away trashes (I've been keeping for reason I don't know why),   getting the books done,  finish drawing the improvement or plan for my house,  and maybe more blogs??.. 

This Covid 19 Pandemic will soon be over Inshaallah.. And once the community quarantine will be lifted,    surely we'll get really busy. But for now,  lets beat anxiety (if in case it's hitting us) . 

See? It wasn’t lonely at all. Still here?  Really?  😊😊😊

Solo Travel Photos Challenge

Without the current pandemic,  this season could have been best for us to pack our bags and travel. But we just can't,  the best place now to stay is our HOME and the least we can do is to reminisce the past :).

In order for me to keep my mind productive , I decided to create this Travel photos challenge. This way,  I could avoid whining about our current status and remind my self that sometime long ago,  I've been out of my comfort zone. 

I'll choose 30 solo travel pictures and I'll describe or just say anything about it in just 3 sentences, to avoid myself from so much blah blah blah..  Haha..  But I'm good at compound complex sentence too. Haha

So here are my life travel snapshots:

1

There is something about Train stations that  made me  love it so much. Not just because Trains bring us to different destinations. It's the only mode of transportation that won't let me feel worried if I get lost, board the wrong train or alight at wrong station, just carefree!   --- Kuala Lumpur,  Malaysia December 2014.  

2 

I remember the time I experienced riding a taxi  from this spot where the driver seemed to hate the world.  For a bit moment,  we felt that we're about to face an accident as he drove so fast and had sudden swerves and turns . That was a terrifying road experience but fortunately we had reached our next destination  safe and sound.  ---Macau February 2016

3

This was my most unplanned trip.  I spent a lot because we had only less than  two weeks preparation including the purchase of airfare tickets not to mention the  flight will fall on a Chinese New Year. I guess I was hypnotized by our impulsive Project Nurse haha,  my travel buddy that time. ---Hongkong February 2016.

4

When you're a "Probinsyana" who works in Manila for about 6 years,  surely you must have visited this place.  Actually,  I almost not,  and when I got there,  I had only about 4 hours.  My brother, my mom and her friends had a road trip from Mindanao to Luzon,  it was part of their destination,  so I hitched and filed a fake sick leave. -- Baguio, Philippines October 2014

5

This place is one of my favorite despite how hard for me to step down from those steep stairs of the various temples.  Simplicity, serenity,  cheap foods and accommodations surround the place.  It has an ambiance that makes me want to come back.  ---Siem Reap, Cambodia June 2014.

6

I always love the rain but not during this time.  It rained for the entire duration of the day trip that we needed to cancel other itineraries.  But it didn't really hurt so much since my RT airfare was just free due to Cebu Pacific delayed flights vouchers. --  Temple of Lea,  Cebu November 2018 

7

Here,  the distinction between their race and ours is quite fuzzy. People will talk to us in their language,  the funny thing is,  instead of explaining things to them in English,  my mom talked to them in our own local dialect too. Surprisingly,  they understood one another. Haha Jakarta,  Indonesia November 2018

8

After a tiring hike, we  rested here on our last stop, facing the sea that was once hit by 2004 tsunami, I was fondly watching these monkeys.  This was an all expense paid trip privilege of my brother in his previous job.  Our mom told us,  did you go to that place just to see monkeys when we have lots of monkeys here??  -in Penang, Malaysia March 2013.

9

I was reading  some blogs on where to escapade just nearby Manila,  so I bumped into this and there we go. The transportation has been rough,  we took a bus,  a jeepney and lastly thru tricycle,  we trudged the bumpy and rough road going to the beach proper. .  What's memorable is the bus ride going home,  it was a non air bus airing loudly some sort of country songs that made me feeling so emo,  like carefree! Haha - Calatagan Batangas, Philippines June 2015.

10

This was my first time to ask a stranger to take my photo and obviously I looked so  conscious. But despite how awkward my face  here,  deep inside I was so delighted to see the Sakura Trees upclose. It was a dream came true I traded for that jittery feeling I had to face in traveling solo. -- Osaka Japan April 2019

11

My family had a night accommodation in one of the resorts in GenSan where we were so disappointed on their beach.  The moment the sun came up we decided to leave the place and drove off somewhere.  After about two hour drive,  we reached this pristine beach, it was enchanting that time. --Sarangani , Philippines Dec 2012

12

Well, I couldn’t say much of this picture aside from I'm so thin here haha. All I could remember is, I traveled here with my brother because he’d never been here . That time,  the place was also covered with thick fog and just had this photo when it cleared out  – Tagaytay, Philippines July 2013

13

Next to Cherry blossom season,  autumn foliage caught my heart and I'm too gratified  that I pursued that trip I almost cancelled. I'm not that super girly type, but I didn't hesitate trying their traditional dress. In fact, I accidentally brought home the headband, now I'm keeping it as memorabilia. --Seoul, South Korea. November 2019

14

I didn’t really have a decent picture during our one night stopover in this place. Early in the morning while waiting for our next bus ride, we stroll around the famous streets here, not minding the drizzle.  The red buildings, the mosque adjacent to a church, the historic spots, the ship replica, that Taming Sari tower, and that brunch in MacDonalds I could remember so well.  ----Malacca,  Malaysia December 2014.

15

Seeing this photo still brings back that guilt I had.  I was travelling with my brother and my mom-- and she was scolding me because I let her walked too far under the heat of the sun searching for the main gate of the Golden Palace. But when we finally found it,  the main attraction was closed due to some event.  --Bangkok Thailand June 2016

16

By riding a ferry boat from Manila bay, we have reached this historical place that has played an important role during WWII. We were so stunned on how they preserved the Remains of the place and the details of every spots were discussed evidently by our Tour guide. Not only the Ruins and the countless canyons amazed us but also the tranquility  of the place despite the slight creepiness, and the overlooking beautiful sea scenery.- Corregidor Island, Philippines Oct 2014. 

17

We had a long holiday due to APEC summit, I couldn’t waste my time by just staying home. Boarded the night bus for about 7 hours,  we found ourselves arriving at dawn.  Later that day, we wandered and astonished by  this Spanish inspired street, finally. -- Vigan, Ilocos Sur Philippines November 2015 

18

I thought I'll be able to witness the frozen remains of the late Ferdinand Marcos just right behind that door. Unfortunately, viewing was temporarily closed due to power black out.  Not our lucky day,  so I wont be able see him as he is already buried now. --Ilocos Norte, Philippines November 2015.

19

This was my first far away leisure  travel that made me realized that travelling is truly a bliss.  The calms seas, the crystal clear waters, the fine sand, the enchanted river, the beautiful mountain views and that college friends I get to bond.  I can still remember swimming (I can’t swim) with life vest and been bitten by a fish because I keep on stepping on that stone where it lives. – Puerto Princesa Palawan, Philippines Oct 2010

20

I just loved this photo, don’t you?  Haha I was accompanying a broken hearted friend who took this shot, now I hope she’s fine. I still have to come back here coz I haven’t conquered yet the fear of sky cycling. –Eden Davao, Philippines April 2018 

21

 This is my shortest international trip that marked my passport within 24 hours only. The scorching kiss of the sun (their hottest season) almost blinded us to appreciate  the wonder of this place or could it be because our very own version is possessed  with equal magical charm or even better. What's unforgettable also is our tour guide whom I got so shocked when he revealed that his age is twice as how physically he looked like. ---Halong Bay,  Vietnam August 2019.

22

 This was the longest family trip we had. We got lost along the way that we even doubted the GPS. Aside from this beach escapade, we had the memorable road trip ever. Dakak,  Philippines July 2014

23

Surely, only a few have heard of this charming place. Getting here is about 3 hours express train from the Country's bustling capital.  I will never forget how I got awed by their captivating scenery, the surreal volcano craters, the mountains of tea plantations, the fascinating man-made parks, the geyser, that huge ship resto they call as Pinisi where I sat in this picture, and even the enchanting view you’ll see on the train . ---Bandung Indonesia November 2018

24

I always love to have a picture holding an umbrella because that means I'm enjoying the rain. But I'm not sure if this is counted or best time to play around sunflowers on a rainy day. I was with my nieces and nephews that time but i just can't let them join me. --Tupi,  South Cotabato Philippines June 2018

25

Indeed its true, once you see the Great Wall of China, then you’re done with this place. In this picture, I was just resting after trying to climb that highest spot on my back which I failed to. Being tagged as one of the World's Wonder,  what's really impressing but a bit disheartening  too are the stories behind the construction of this wall as narrated by our amiable Guide. Beijing,  China April 2017

26

 My first out of country is the picture on the left. It may looked like that I went back  here on the right picture because The Merlion was under construction on my first visit, but that wasn’t the main reason. My sister and I were trying to hit two countries at the same time, so that’s why.  Singapore August 2012 / December 2014.

27

This was our last night in this place after a long and adventurous day. We went to the iconic place where the animated movie Spirited Away was inspired.  In a crowded alley,  I got lost and separated from my group so we didn't have enough time to capture a picture on its most famed spot because we ran out of time looking for each other. ---Taipei,  Taiwan April 2018.

28

If I had regrets on this trip,  that is because we didn't bring extra clothes for dipping. After a long bus ride, and had a terrifying  experience as our small boat battled against the enraged waves, we had reached this bewitching paradise. We didn't intend to swim as this was just a day trip, but the majestic water was so inviting,  not to mention the  alluring mountains and greenery that surround it.  --- Anawangin Zambales,  Philippines August 2014

29

This photo was taken during my last few days in Luzon as I've already resigned from my job.  I just asked my friend to accompany me here before I  return to Mindanao.  I'm just so proud that this was constructed by my company that I'm about to leave that time.  Venice Grand Canal,  Philippines May 2016.

30

Though feeling drop dead tired, obviously on this picture,  I must stick to my tight itinerary. After my more than two hours bullet train  and almost cried locating my hostel,  I headed out to experience crossing the busiest pedestrian lane in the world. Then I got to see statue of Hachico but I did't have the courage to ask anyone to photograph me , so a selfie from afar will do haha-- Shibuya,  Tokyo Japan April 2019

Yay,  finally I'm done.. I know to some who are not really  fan of traveling might think I've been having an itchy feet.  But for those legit  Jet-setters  will think I've been to few so nothing to be proud about. But what matter is how grateful I am and looking forward for more travels after this Pandemic.  The truth is,  I'm such an introvert but it didn't stop me to wander. Ironically,  I both love just being home and being far away.  I haven't overcome my flight fright but that didn't hinder my passion to be somewhere I never been. 

Sometimes I'm a bit resentful that I should have invest sensible material things than travel but everytime I get to see old photos,  suddenly my regrets disappear. If it made me happy,  then that's worth a treasure. Haha

I think I made this post too long that surely I wasted your time.  And if you happened to reach the bottom,  thank you,  you made me feel that I shouldn't stop writing.  You maybe just one or two but it would keep me going.