3rd of August

Aside from my Monday morning sickness , a sad news just broke my heart. My sister was calling me office hours a while ago and I'm not used to that.. when I picked the phone, I knew something went wrong, and I was right, our Grandmother just passed away she said...  I felt emotionless at that moment... but when I put the phone down, I felt uneasy, I told myself not to cry, not at that very moment,  I can't let these people worry about me... but suddenly my vision went blurred by the tears I was trying to hold, my throat hurts, and there goes my tears.. I cried discreetly.. I tried so hard no one will see.. and yes, maybe they don't mind too but Mac joined me for lunch, and there I couldn't help it when he asked me if I was okay, I told him that my Grandma just passed away, then I was crying again... I was trying to laugh while I was crying because I don't want him to worry about me, it's okay --I keep on telling him, worry not about me... I'm just sad at the moment but it's okay.

Somehow, I feel relieved by telling that to him (I failed in stopping my tears)... It's too hard enduring life's painful moments all by yourself.. I maybe trying to be one tough girl, but I'm really not.. I know how to face sadness but I guess it's true that no man is an island.

This is one of the things I fear about not being home, we missed a lot of things.. I feared that the next time I went home, things will be different...and now it's happening...

When I get home, I wont be seeing her anymore in the balcony of her house (where I used to see her) watching over my little cousins, or get into our house bringing us fruits, .... I wont be hugging her everytime I leave home (the last  time I embraced her almost two weeks ago was the tightest I got from her and she said that we should forgive one another--yes it's as if she knew this will happen) ... I wont be hearing her old stories and experiences, and I wont be hearing her again asking me to find a good man (hehe)...

I'm not really a granny's girl.. the fact is, my siblings and my cousins were afraid of her because she was the strict type... I remember when she was younger... everytime she visits us, we are actually hiding from her...

She loves fruits, she had lots of that on her farm, even in our compound, she planted different kind of fruit trees ... she will scold us everytime she caught us climbing and picking the fruits when its not yet ripe.... Sometimes, I want to eat green mangoes (not yet ripe), we're like stealing on our own yard (haha).. But when it's harvest time, she's so generous...like she was so excited to distribute the ripe fruits to us.. No matter what, we'll gonna miss her for that.

I feel sad about the things and the people my grandma left... i worry about my father the most... will he be okay?? I know he'll try to, but I know he's not.. not at this point of time..

As for me, I will be fine, I'm saddest at the moment not because I lost a grandmother but because my father lost his mother, I know he's really sad now.. I hope he will be okay.

We must all be okay.. because life's like that... everyone will soon be gone... her time has come, we  must be thankful that she reached this far.. and someday all of us will join her too..

For my grandmother,  May The Almighty Allah grants her paradise, may she be reunited with our grandfather, and with my aunt too.
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"INNALILAHI WA INNA ILAYHI RAJIOON"
" To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return." (Quran Surat Al Baqarah 2:156)
"Every soul shall have a taste of death, then to us you will be ultimately returned." (Quran Surat Al Ankaboot 29:57) --c/o The Islamic Bulletin