.....

If only I was strong enough to face the real world

Then maybe I am on my peak of my dreams coming true now

If only I’ve realized what I truly wanted when I was 16

Then maybe I’m not here right now

If only I am not indecisive

Then maybe I am not stuck right now

If only the world is an easy place to be at

Then maybe I am fearless right now

If only I had tried to risk

Then maybe I am not asking myself “what if?” now

If only I am blessed with self confidence

Then maybe I am circumscribing the globe now

If only I knew the purpose of my existence

Then maybe I am not so damn confused now

If only I didn’t play safe in my life’s quest

Then maybe I’m a skilled person right now

If only I gave chance to things I ran away from

Then maybe I found what’s missing in my life

If only I had said the things I’m still hiding right now

Then maybe my heart ain’t broken still

If only I’m brave enough to fight my feelings for someone

Then maybe I’m not hopeless and waiting in vain till now

But If only I knew where I supposed to stand

Then maybe I tried fighting

And if only that someone knew it

Then maybe I’m not twisting my mind in wondering now

Finally, if only the world is faultless, then absolutely I’m not saying IF ONLY right now

…..but the world is truly PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.

OH, IF ONLY.

i've got no one but myself

I’ve mentioned this on my facebook earlier- I must get myself a good grip because I’m almost on the brink of my sanity! Yah really, im being so stressed nowadays, and if i couldn’t handle it well, surely I’ll go crazy! Haha..

I’ve realized that I have a long way to trudge in order for me to know the things I’m supposed to know, got my point? (of course no one could ever know everything in this world). I feel stupid sometimes and feel ashamed for not being aware of so many things, when I am being asked a question and I couldn’t answer, that’s hell! When I couldn’t prove what I want to prove? That’s disheartening!

But can I be blamed for the matters I didn’t know? Am I I crossing the boundary of being lenient, am I overdoing it? Or was I so careless? Or am I just being occupied of so many thoughts I wasn’t able to save spaces for the relevant things?

Anyway… I’m on the process of learning new things now, whether I’m just trying to comfort myself for saying that it’s not too late, it doesn’t matter. I’m just trying to convince myself here that I’m not the only person who’s facing these life’s deterrents and hindrances. And I’m such a hard headed person and pessimistic as ever too that I couldn’t calm myself easily, I couldn’t filter distractions, they keep on coming! I know, they will never stop on coming, it’s just how I take it…..

I’m being tortured, but that would make me tough right??! and frankly speaking, I appreciate the perks I’m getting…

And thanks to my mini “notes to myself”, I could give myself some uplifting words, I have no one to save myself but myself. hehe

So ash, chillax now! The only thing you’ll get in taking things too seriously is heart failure and a miserable life! If you keep on permitting these negative vibes come into you, you surely never gonna find happiness!  Remember, The world wouldn’t revolve at your favor!

 

  

I WANT A LIFE

I don’t know if this is exactly what I want, or maybe I’m just too blind to see… I’m not happy, but not that miserable as well. I know it’s only me, I’m a having a battle with myself. Sometimes I thought I knew what to do but I ended up doing nothing. I’m running out of courage, my weakness is cloaking me, damn, I can’t move on! I play safe, but I still break my heart. I’m not growing up, just growing old, and it distresses me. Regrets happen in every ending of a decision, but in my case I regret now, coz I couldn’t even come up a resolution. What’s wrong with me?

 I’m dreaming, I’m wishing and I’m hoping and I think I’m crying my heart out coz I know those are not the way to reach the pedestals of my desired happiness, I need to make a move, I need to do something. If I don’t take chances then nothing will change, I will be stuck.

O somebody tell me what I can do to have that guts for me to realize the right things to do. I want a LIFE!

I’m praying.

the ugly truth

 

The ugly truth is that I am ugly and boring…. I wish I know myself better, I wish I know what I can do…. I wish I am happy..

Biggest Regret

Yes, “lahat ng pagsisisi ay nasa huli”, and I have lots of these regret things. But this one I’ll tell you might change if I’m going to find a job now, but I’m about to rot here. Everybody says that, since I am a civil engineer, it would be easy for me to find a job…. Whose about to spoil everything here?  It’s me, your very own civil engineer here.

 

So that’s my regret now, actually in college days, I’ve been so uncertain with my course, hannga’t nakagraduate na lang ako, confused pa rin. I don’t know which course I will shift to, kaya kahit meron akong doubt, I finished  civil engineering and even pass the board exam. And everybody is almost put me in the pedestal, upon saying.. “wow, galing naman!”, well, thank you, pero hanggang dun na lang pala yun.. kung ditto land din ako sa hometown ko, then better not expect a job here.. especially, civil engineering works are mostly for men, I just hope that school administrators would create a new curriculum implying that engineering are for men only. I feel disgusted if nag-iinquire ako ng job offering then I’ll be answered, “for male only”, kainis lang. So that’s it, if only I could turn back time, sana higgschool pa ako at wide pag-iisip ko regarding sa future.. Maybe, nursing na lang ako.. the big chance for me to abroad. I know, takot ako sa dugo, but maybe I had overcome it. Sana marami na akong saving ngayon.. Unlike now, I’m so broke…

 

Well, I’m still hoping na magbago kapalaran ko.. Na civil engineering is really meant for me.

Blunder

Here I am again feeling useless again... but am I really not?  I’m sorry to say this but I’m nonsense.. just let me say these words to lessen the burden upon my heart..  Do you know how does it feel when you know exactly that you are doing the wrong thing? But you cant do nothing about it because you’re so damn weak and idle.. you tend to blame others for you mistakes... You find reasons just to cover the wrong you did....or even act helpless so they would pity you... I hate that kind of person, so that would mean I hate myself.........Everybody hates me now... I cant blame them, I even hate my self......... guilt would  kill me..... I dont even do ways to correct it because I have no courage... I curse my self for hurting the people I love.... I am nothing, I contribute none but pains and frustration to others... I just turned twenty five, accomplished achievements that no one would be proud of..... so, it wasn’t achievement at all... but failure... what a loser! Hahaha... O, well... I almost forgot, I’m a civil engineer........... yes, a jobless civil engineer!! Very pathetic.. haha... at least janitors are working........ o, sorry, conscience is  throbbing here, be at least  thankful... well, I am....  I’m so sorry being this way... I dont even like it, see, I despise my very own self??? I know... I know..... love my self first so I can do better things... so my mind will be lighten.... but how?? ........ My existence is a mess to some.... But ofcourse, suicide is another very big sin...... the other life is my only chance.. But, with this kind of atittude, do I have the chance......? Even writing this down is already a sin..

What shall I do now, when I dont even have the guts to do what I ought to do...? How can I conquer this frailty.... what if I’m naturally the bad one? The villain........ What if, my purpose here is to cause torns to some? Ahhhhh.... What ifs!!!! ....free me........ I’m sorry....