If I am So Wonderful, then why am I still Single?

If you hate corny and mind annoying stuffs, stop reading.

I’ve been thinking of writing this so long time ago but I was afraid it might humiliate me.. (because I’m not going to hide this).

Everyone is getting married and I still couldn’t imagine myself being a bride, I never even a part of a wedding ceremony, never a bride’s maid, so I guess that’s a sign telling me I’ll grow old single--- I hate to, I don’t want to but I have a feeling that I would.

I still cling on this quote

“Women are like the apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys dont want to reach for the good ones, because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they get the apples from the ground that arent as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them when in reality they are amazing! They have to wait for the right guy to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree.”

I’m 28, single, never been into a real relationship and it makes me ask this, ‘if I am so wonderful then why am I still single? And honestly, it makes me feel so unpretty! I’m trying to convince myself that I am also an apple on that peak of that tree waiting for someone I deserved, but maybe I am wrong, I’m just one of those apples on the ground hiding on the grass. I’m sorry self I’m not suppose to tolerate this pity for myself. I was a late bloomer and suddenly I’m now accelerated into facing the midlife crisis.

Maybe I over guarded my heart, now I couldn’t get out from my comfort zone. I stopped growing from that wallflower teenage girl, shy and not confident. I’m still that young girl who waits for her crush to get notice her (not doing a single move)--- but unfortunately he wouldn’t. I’m still that someone who wouldn’t go out for a date with anyone she thought she would never like—though I tried once. I’m still that girl who’s so scared to hurt someone else’s feelings. I’m still that insecure lad who would never try to beautify herself, she doesn’t know how actually.

I’m not choosy either, I’m just a hopeless romantic believing and waiting for that someone to come into my life and live happily ever after, I know I’m such a loser to believe in that… I guess he’ll never come… no one is brave enough to dare.

And I guess I would stay like this forever… but I must not be sad. Oh, I am not sad.

I must be happy no matter what.. It doesn’t mean I must have what other has. I’ll be fine… I’ll be fine…  I am fine!

its october 1!!!

And I've done a good job today! yey! but i bleed my head first before finding that out, that was actually simple, but we found it complicated along the way in solving that matter! haha.. and i when i learned it, what I could just say is "ganon lang pala yun??"...

anyway, i can add that to the list saying that I'm not that stupid! not at all... hahaha

that was in the morning... in the afternoon I had another maze to solve.. and i thought I was the doing the right thing in telling a certain person that's he's not doing it right... I know i got my point but it so hard for me to correct people or to tell them "this" and "that", "do this again", "no. not like that" and stuffs like that...i don't know why I would feel that way, I just don't want anyone feel wronged because of me .. if i put my shoes on them, its okay for me to be corrected, but i hate it when somebody would think that i am bragging, that i am "nagmamarunong".... Coz, honestly I am not someone who would blow her own horns just to get credits, I must admit, i hate commiting mistakes..... that's why I rarely take risks, not good I know..

Its not that I don't have a sense of authority, (actually I dont have.. haha) but I just dont want anyone hates me....  you dont have to say it, we cant please everybody! i know well.... hehe

oh my! when will I be confident???!!

so much for this..

just happy..maybe..;)

Hey! I kinda miss you my diary…

just a while ago when I left the office, I was thinking of blogging, I have so much in mind, but now that I am facing you, thoughts seem to fade… maybe the traffic jam (that was really worst) –is responsible… I’m just so tired right now.

I just wanna tell you how I can’t understand my emotion today, I was having a good laugh with reason I couldn’t really pull out from the blurry, yah, I really don’t know why.. I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m happy or I’m getting crazy! Hehe.. I was even in an awkward situation just this afternoon, and you know what I did?!  laugh! Yah, like a fool… now, I’m wondering what they were thinking..

I was smiling alone while walking… now who cares anyway?! If they think I’m insane, then let them… hehe

Good night now! That’s all I can say.

WALK INTO THE RAIN

..just had a walk thru the rain wishing "you" will also be washed away from my system..... 

August 8, 2012

today is the last day of being this age .... tomorrow I'll be so old again.. wahhhhh.. i feel like I'm still on my early twenties... what a late bloomer!

So, what I had today? nothing, just a feeling of guilt coz I didn't report to work today..  blame the bad weather! no typhoon, not even in a low pressure area, its just the "hanging habagat", but the rain is doing it continuously that resulted floods to 90percent of Metro Manila.. Classes to all school levels, government offices and even private sectors were declared suspended yesterday.. but not today, just the schools and selected government agencies..

I was prepared this morning to report for work but the rain poured heavily, means of transportation was tough so I decided not to go..

My neighbor and I had our groceries to the nearby supermarket when the gloomy sky poured its tears to us this afternoon and we make "lusong to the baha"....

Yun lang... tinatamad na ako magkwento ng kung anu ano... heheheh


Good night!

WRONG MOVE??

i think I'm humiliating myself, I've been posting so personal things about myself on the web, I should be keeping them for myself only but I chose to expose it.. Sorry Self, anyway, no one really cares I guess, I'm just being paranoid...so i must stop bothering.

 its just that i want to extend my messages to a specific person or to whom it may concern, i couldn't tell them straight, so I wanna puzzle their minds... nyahaha, as if! why not? somehow, right?

but the side effect is, i might put down myself in the eyes of the other people who are actually not involve..

i better tell my self this  "Hey, nobody really cares!! they don't even care about your existence, so cut that crap now, okay?? got that? stop being paranoid, witch!, so do as what you please to do, if that's your way to transmit your whatevers to somebody (who might not even care) then be it!... if it lighten up your mood, then just let it be... to hell with what people say.."

 

hahaha.... (nababaliw na ba ako at kasusap ko sarili ko?)... I'm NOT!!

Good night anyaway!

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A SUNDAY EVE!

Its already 8pm right now and I’m in another random thoughts.

I think I’m going to have a tonsillitis, I’ve felt it already last night. And today, I just had so many sweets, a starbucks choco chip Frap and a pack of Brownies Unlimited, I just can’t help it, I love em.

I went out today to look for something, a gift maybe for someone. But so unfortunately fortunate that I found myself shopping! Blame that on the On-going sale in SM Manila. Anyway, that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong in giving myself a treat sometimes, right?.. yeah, right.

Anyway, Ramadhan is about to come, I need to calm myself, I need to be fine. I know, it would be hard especially I’m expecting to get hurt—that I should not, actually I’m already hurting, but the worst is about to come… I have a feeling it will, I don’t want it to come, but I need to prepare myself, I must get myself in place… hahaha… (drama nanaman ako, hehe).. enough!!!!

Hey dear diary, I have something I’m not telling you yet, yah I know I should be telling you, in time you’ll know.. hehe, I hope that one will come into reality…. I hope and pray for that.

What else? Maybe that’s all for now. ;)

Here's yours truly at this very moment..

 

                                                                           

Thanks!

Thanks! you made me smile........ somehow! ^__^

1st minute of july

i was smiling and I'm not really certain why...

Could it be because of Kenjin? yah, I'm having a samurai X marathon here...

Or because finally I've heard my soulmate's voice today when we crossed path again.. hehhe.. he was talking to someone..

or because of EXJR--- oops, I'm not suppose to comment about that person anymore, yah I'm not, that's why i'll be sleeping now..

 Good night! hehe

10 things I would want to say to ten different people right now

1.       You really got that instinct, you’re the best!

2.       You’re such a friend… I count on you, thank you so much!

3.       I’m not really mad at you, I’m just disappointed, I’m confused.. Why you’ve changed? Or you’re just showing your true colors? I miss the old you somehow.

4.       Nakakatampo ka naman, actually matagal na akong nagtatampo sayo.. I’ve swallowed my pride today coz we are supposed to be friends right? You’re actually one of the best.  If you wouldn’t reply on what I’ve ask you a while ago, then maybe I should quit… that would be the last favor I would ask of you.

5.       I’m sorry I’m being mean to you.. its not really what I want to do though you’re annoying naman kasi talaga minsan!.. and maybe they’re right, you can’t be trusted, I don’t know why I’m trusting you.. but I know  how to handle this.

6.       I’m sorry I couldn’t stand your side, I can see your point, but I couldn’t fight it for you..

7.       Hey, I have so much to tell you, but I can’t.. I like you but I hate you too. Someday before we part ways, I might tell you how you brighten up my days and how'd you broke my heart too.

8.       Kaya mo yan! Be independent, don’t rely on anyone…

9.       Nakakairita ka! You’re O.A-ness flooded in my wall.. go on anyway, if that what makes you happy, hindi lang naman siguro ako ang may karapatang maging O.A.. hehe

10.   Hi!

 

HAPPY ^__^

see? i'm not really that morbid... i'm being happy too sometimes.. though I'm a bit disgusted earlier this day..... but I'm happy right now.. I can smile alone (yah, like crazy!.. haha)..

I'm exhausted, I'm sooo drop dead tired but I'm fine...

Good night!

6/15/2012: in random thoughts

I’m about to sleep but I can’t, I’m confused! Ahhhhh... I’m taking a risk, I’m about to let go an opportunity… Oh, God, help me… I hope I’m doing the right thing, “laging nasa huli ang pagsisisi", but why it seems that I am already regretting?.... sometimes, I thought I play safe, but I end up losing it, I hope not this time.

Its 10:14pm, I’m still wearing my company uniform. I’m hungry, I was stuffed a while ago so I didn’t eat rice for dinner, and I’m on the state of idleness to prepare for something to eat.

I was thinking of old friends, were they really been my friends? Errrr… I wanna be independent, I don’t wanna rely on anyone.. what’s wrong with me? At some point, I feel like I’m being betrayed.. haha, I’m sorry if I feel bitter sometimes.. but still, thanks to my few good friends..

I’m stupid, I know. How can I be soooo stupid? Hahaha.. I hate this!.. you, yes you, can you just get out of my head???

Am I waiting for a ship in an airport? Hahaha…

What am I gonna do now?... sleep maybe.

               

5/21/2012

Never beg for anyone's attention.. you couldn't force people to love you or love you back... they chose only those where they can benefit or anyone they like, and it could be not you..

You should be independent.... if they dont care about you, then why waste you time thinking why, coz life's like that, not all people would appreciate you... not everyone would make you especial... so don't depend on them, love yourself!

Don't prioritize those who dont give you worth, forget about them, they don't deserve any single minute of your time so better stop thinking why!

So, keep your head high now... to hell with them!

Can somebody tell me what's the point?

I don’t know why am I doing this… was it really wrong? When you involved yourself to something you know wouldn’t last long?.. you’ll be breaking your heart soon … what’s the point of staying? What if you’ll break his heart too, not  just yours? Come on, tell me what’s the point?

4/22/2012

THE LAST TIME I WAS SMILING ALL BY MY SELF
I BROKE MY HEART THE NEXT DAY.

Flight back to Manila later

... yap, im going back to manila (sigh)...

one of the worst feeling I'm always encountering--- leaving home.

and i don't know why I couldn't get used to it. i'm always fearful of things that I might miss, that if I leave home, everything wouldn't be the same when I get back.

O dear God, as always, I'm asking for Your guidance, shower me Your blessings, knowledge, wisdom, courage and confidence, and above all, Keep my family safe and healthy.

 

.....

If only I was strong enough to face the real world

Then maybe I am on my peak of my dreams coming true now

If only I’ve realized what I truly wanted when I was 16

Then maybe I’m not here right now

If only I am not indecisive

Then maybe I am not stuck right now

If only the world is an easy place to be at

Then maybe I am fearless right now

If only I had tried to risk

Then maybe I am not asking myself “what if?” now

If only I am blessed with self confidence

Then maybe I am circumscribing the globe now

If only I knew the purpose of my existence

Then maybe I am not so damn confused now

If only I didn’t play safe in my life’s quest

Then maybe I’m a skilled person right now

If only I gave chance to things I ran away from

Then maybe I found what’s missing in my life

If only I had said the things I’m still hiding right now

Then maybe my heart ain’t broken still

If only I’m brave enough to fight my feelings for someone

Then maybe I’m not hopeless and waiting in vain till now

But If only I knew where I supposed to stand

Then maybe I tried fighting

And if only that someone knew it

Then maybe I’m not twisting my mind in wondering now

Finally, if only the world is faultless, then absolutely I’m not saying IF ONLY right now

…..but the world is truly PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.

OH, IF ONLY.

soooooooooooo T I R E D!

If in a very small possible way you stumble here on my webpage, specifically at this post, then I advise you to stop reading… this is rated PG, coz I’m about to do some drama…. Hehe

I don’t know why it’s so easy for me to write sad and negative things than those happy ones..

This past few days, I’ve been hearing myself pronouncing these lines : “I’m tired na”, “ayoko na”, “so exhausted”…  to what? I’m not sure if it’s just literally of my job with some mean people surround me, so toxic na! if during my earlier months i was complaining because i had less task to do where i found it so boring and dull, now i can't figure out which tasks should take place first and be prioritized... "maloloka na ako! kaya ko naman, but it will take time before I'll learn everything, add to that the people who will throw you unjust criticism and instead of helping you, they will try to put you down.

 Or could it be I’m tired of my life, sorry I thought I wasn’t that morbid anymore, (but, hey, I won’t entertain suicide here, good thing I’m afraid of pain.. hehe)..  sometimes i just felt everything going on in me is meaningless, like i had wasted so much time.

Or I’m so exhausted waiting for something--- that maybe never existed or had gone so long time ago me not knowing it.

I'm starting to get sick of this place, I'm here because i'm into my life's sense quest, but i think i'm a bit lost, i couldn't find the way, i'm not confident enough to take risk, im stuck.

I've run out of words to uplift me when I'm down, i've got no friends here to give me advices.

I hate hearing people saying that they want to find themselves.. why?! are they lost? I think they’re just denial! …and honestly I’m one of them too… so that means I hate myself too.. hahaha..

I'm not tolerating nor welcoming this random thoughts that are eating me and outsmarted me, diko lang talaga maiiwasan, pasensya na.

Anyway, what’s the value of this blog? Its meaningless too, I’m sleepy na kasi kay tatapusin ko nan g ganon ganon na lang.. hehe

Good night!

PS: writing this had at least lighten up my mood. see? effective naman kahit papano!

i've got no one but myself

I’ve mentioned this on my facebook earlier- I must get myself a good grip because I’m almost on the brink of my sanity! Yah really, im being so stressed nowadays, and if i couldn’t handle it well, surely I’ll go crazy! Haha..

I’ve realized that I have a long way to trudge in order for me to know the things I’m supposed to know, got my point? (of course no one could ever know everything in this world). I feel stupid sometimes and feel ashamed for not being aware of so many things, when I am being asked a question and I couldn’t answer, that’s hell! When I couldn’t prove what I want to prove? That’s disheartening!

But can I be blamed for the matters I didn’t know? Am I I crossing the boundary of being lenient, am I overdoing it? Or was I so careless? Or am I just being occupied of so many thoughts I wasn’t able to save spaces for the relevant things?

Anyway… I’m on the process of learning new things now, whether I’m just trying to comfort myself for saying that it’s not too late, it doesn’t matter. I’m just trying to convince myself here that I’m not the only person who’s facing these life’s deterrents and hindrances. And I’m such a hard headed person and pessimistic as ever too that I couldn’t calm myself easily, I couldn’t filter distractions, they keep on coming! I know, they will never stop on coming, it’s just how I take it…..

I’m being tortured, but that would make me tough right??! and frankly speaking, I appreciate the perks I’m getting…

And thanks to my mini “notes to myself”, I could give myself some uplifting words, I have no one to save myself but myself. hehe

So ash, chillax now! The only thing you’ll get in taking things too seriously is heart failure and a miserable life! If you keep on permitting these negative vibes come into you, you surely never gonna find happiness!  Remember, The world wouldn’t revolve at your favor!

 

  

I'm telling my self not to think too much

This I’m about to say here is in relation to my previous blog.

So, how am I right now? After being baffled of so many thoughts that only caused me anxiety, now I feel better.

Yesterday when I woke up, when I’m still not disturbed of anything, I opened the papers containing the exercises given to us last Saturday. As what I am expecting, that questions were really simple that I should really be ashamed that I couldn’t answer it on the very first place, then I solved  it without the help of anyone, just my self and my confused common sense (haha). See?! I knew it! my mind just wont work on the spot...seemed like I couldn't understand a thing at that moment, i was so blank!

 Oh my! I think I’m really having a poor memory here, I guess I’ve over used my mind.. haha

Fine, I may not proved myself to them, at least I’ve learned that I’m still not thar dumb, i was just lost in thought and pressurized, I actually typing these things because I’m cajoling and comforting my degraded (by me J)  self, who will do it for me if I wont?? I’m responsible!

So that’s it, as what they said, if there’s s something I don’t want in my life, I should stop thinking about it, stop talking and worrying about it, I’m only giving so much energy to it to keep it alive, and withdrawing my own energy. I may write those thoughts that burdening me in my diary and leave it there.

Ash, cheer up now!