;(

The hardest part of missing someone is knowing you might not see each other again. You're uncertain whether you'll wait or you will just forget, both hurts, but not knowing which to do is much tragic.

You wish you could forget, though its not really what you want to do, how can you try to erase the thought of someone whose making your dull and lonely world not so miserable. 

But at the same time, how can you hold on to something you know at the very start will never have a happy ending.

So, in this case, what's the point of waiting or holding on??

9/14/2012

Feel my silent rage, coz I just can't tell you. If only I could let you know without me saying a word how much I hated, then I would.. you make me smile outside but you're breaking my heart..

I hated you because I had liked you, I don't want to feel this regrets because it wasn't my choice..maybe not your fault as well, I was stupid.

Swear, I am trying not to feel mad at you, but i couldn't stop myself, and I'm sorry for that. I just wish that you were once true, I don't have the right to ask you, though I really wanted to...

Someday, I will forgive you though you're not asking for it, you don't even know why you should be forgiven....

LOVE ONLY THOSE WHO LOVE YOU

dear you,

Don’t you dare cry! That jerk doesn’t even deserve those tears! He had hurt you once, and he’s again doing it now… that would be so shame on you if you let him break your heart again! Don’t run after someone who’s not even recognizing your presence, who’s not even aware that his hurting you so bad.. Don’t be his option, he’s a loser… if he comes to you, then let him, just don’t fall, guard your heart, he’s a monster pretending to be an angel!.. he was just using you to cover up his own heartaches, and now that he’s doing fine, he’ll forget about you!.... so don’t let him win over you….

Don’t give a damn to someone who’s not into you! Yes, he’s not into you.. you must open your eyes now! Stop hoping, stop waiting, stop wondering! He doesn’t really like you, he never did!

Asking for proof? Well, he never gave you anything that would make you feel special, he never called you, he only texts and talk to you when he deals with his own broken heart (obviously, panakip butas ka lang!), he never fetch you, he never insisted to walk you home, he always breaks his words, he’s not firm and consistent with what he says, he’s a coward!

And those small sweet things he once did?—those were just part of his fooling around, don’t be so gullible, girl… don’t be so naïve… don’t be so stupid, you have done enough…. Stop expecting, he’s not interested in you, period!

So, what you gonna do now?  Nothing! If you can’t fake it, then don’t be so obvious that you are affected, don’t show the world that you are as if losing someone…. In fact , he’s someone not your loss!

You’re gonna be fine… just wear that smile always, be happy, act happy.

Just like what rules girls say…. LOVE ONLY THOSE WHO LOVE YOU.

Sincerely Yours,

 

How many LAST LETTER shall I make to get over it?? hahaha

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I wish I won’t see you forever, if only I could erase you in my system, then I should have done that long time ago.. Now, I hate myself for being so defenseless, how could you??! I don’t deserve be hurt by you.. that’s why I won’t let you.. no more stupid songs for you, no I will never shed a tear for you, never again! I was stupid I know, but its over now! Get lost!!!"

--the mad side of me—

"Woah! That’s so mad of me.. hehe.. actually I don’t want to write those things, that’s humiliating, but I can’t help myself… I’m sorry I freaked out, I’m only releasing what’s inside me right now before it burst out to tears, but as I’ve said, no more tears for you.. and I’ll be fine, don’t worry, oh, I don’t think you give a damn to worry."

" Anyway, I’ve already screamed out my anger. And to whom that letter is concern, don’t listen to my mad self..  Maybe it wasn’t really your fault, I didn’t get rid of you after you’ve hurt me once, i just want to spend few moments with you because sooner or later we will part ways. And you know what, you’re just one of the reason why I am staying. See? I can be blame too, coz I let stupid things to happen, I let myself fall, and this is the consequence I’m facing. I was just too foolish believing somehow I mean to you when I’m really not. I thought I have guarded my heart firmly, but I was wrong. "

"But despite this , I know I’m gonna be alright. I tolerated this, so I'll be on my own fix it.. For sure I can!"

--the trying-to-be-calm side of me--

 

THE LAST LETTER

This is going to be my last letter to you EXJR… I think I have done so many lasts but I hope this one is for real. This afternoon I asked for a sign if I should stop doing this, and the answer was YES!.. I know it would be hard, it could also mean I should stop writing… I just love writing when my heart is breaking.

 

Dear EXJR,

You’re forgiven, but I shouldn’t forget how much you caused me pain, not for now, maybe someday, coz that’s my only defense to stop  this foolishness… yah, I’ve been so stupid believing that you liked me too. It’s not your fault anyway—that I’m still convincing myself.

Honestly, I’m still into to you, I hate to admit it but I must stop it. Running away from you is the right thing to do, though that’s not what makes me happy. I’m pushing you away but that’s not really what's inside my heart. I want you to be happy even with someone else, but that’s not what I really feel.

 This hurts, but I have to say goodbye now… I wish happiness for the both of us.

GOODBYE EXJR!

5/29/2012

7:30pm

I shouldn’t be doing this, not even turning my laptop on.. I should be resting right at this very moment , I just got home and my eyes so drained! Honestly I am physically, mentally and emotionally stressed!

But somehow this is my way of relieving my troubled thoughts.

Why mentally and physically? Its because of work, I’m so busy I don’t know what to do first, I love being busy but I hate being puzzled and rushed. At some point I would want to scream “ayoko na, sobra na to”!.. but I’m not a quitter, I’ve proven that on my first job where my subordinate quitted and I should have done same too, but I did not… I did not because I didn’t want my monster boss underestimate me..

But anyway this is different thing, I don’t have an iron hearted boss here (no,not really hehe), but I have wagonload task to do. And I’m not good at organizing things, I’m so indecisive as to which I should prioritize first especially when most of it is actually urgent! Wahhh, and its making me wonder if I’m being lousy, idle, slow and blah blah blah…. But swear I’m doing the best the I can do to get things done...   Anyway, “kaya ko to, kakayanin ko”!

Emotionally? My dear diary, you know the very reason why, surely you’re overloaded with it. Ahhh.. I feel really bad, I feel so used, mistreated and wronged …. Hahaha.. I sounded as if you need to report this to DSWD hah.. hehe “pasensya na OA lang talaga”

But no! yes no way, I should not tolerate this… I’m not giving anyone the consent to put me down.. even you EXJR… I’m so much fed up with my stupidity for you, you can get lost now! See what I’ve got here, pimples! I hate you soooooo much… your just so lucky to keep me go crazy over you…. I couldn’t even take that word – crazy for you!??!!! errrrr  hahaha

Morning Sunday!

I literally just had a bad dream last night, that seemed so real... and just like what I've said on my facebook account, glad I am awake.

But theres something I really must get myself back to my senses... coz i'm being stupid again, im into something i know will only break me.... actually its already breaking me.. blame me I couldn't stop myself.. hehe

somebody wake up me from this nightmare! i hate being like this... i hate letting anyone hurt me without them knowing it..  no I can't let them... so somebody wake me up!!

but I must admit... this is such a beautiful disaster.... and disasters should end.

cut that crap! so early for me to do some drama.. hehehe

HAPPY SUNDAY ANYWAY!

**** I'll be fine.. i must..

Umeechos Nanaman ako!

UNTITLED

How many times shall I let you break my heart
And you don't even know that, I wish I could tell you

I can't believe I'm being stupid again for you
I wish I am numb

I'm just wondering why destiny would let us meet
When everything will end so soon, it didn't even start for us

I wish getting over you will be easy for me
But damn, everytime you smile at me, i could smile like crazy too!
I hope you don't notice!

MIDNIGHT DRAMA

Its midnight and I’m still awake, its another thinking too much mode. It’s just the perfect time that I could write something, why? Because I’m again confused… my career—I don’t know if I should keep and pursue what I have now.

And my heart--- still broken, darn that!

(sigh) when will I get tired of being tired, why can’t I move on?

I’m not getting any younger, but I feel so stuck, I’m not sure if I’m having a productive career, blame me, I wasn’t anticipating this during my younger years…. Now, I’m on the boundary of “too late”. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good job, the salary may not be as satisfying when you're in abroad but it was fine.... but, yes another but,-- I want to explore… I want to see the best that I can do! I wanna go abroad! Errrrrrrrr…. But where is my confidence and faith? Somebody help!

EXJR. I thought I’m over him but why am I being disturbed of some thoughts about him. I think I’m still into him, I think I am. But I shouldn’t be, do you think remembering those days he caused me pain will help me eradicate what I feel for him??

No, maybe it will hurt me more.. Gosh, I’m getting O.A again! I hate this! Hahahah.. (ang arte ko!)

Paulit ulit na lang tong dramang to! Walang katapusan! Nagsasawa na ako at alam ko nagsasawa ka na rin.. hahahaha

AAA, itulog mo na lang yan!

at nakuha ko pang magpacute at magpicture..?! effective naman kasi finally inaantok na ako! hahaha
Good night!
EXJR, Good night! kahit pa ginugulo mo buhay ko! haha

Just one of life's hardest times

As you grow old, you couldn’t exempt yourself in savoring the hardest things in life, one in that list is falling in love to someone you must not fall to… lets call that, the forbidden love. Because you are trying not to break the law, you rather choose to break your own heart.

 You could hardly breath, you could only cry at night to at least respire what suffocates you inside. You could only see him, listen to his voice, feel that stupid smile in your face when he looks at you but you can never say what you really feel about him. You couldn’t tell him how much you appreciate even the paper roses he gave you, nor the small pack of sugar he teasingly gave you—you could only ask him what are those for, though what you really want is to thank him and keep those silly stuffs.

You could only pretend that his existence doesn’t affect you at all when the truth is you don’t want him out of your sight. You would keep the wrapper of a one peso worth chocolate he gave you.You wouldn’t delete even the mindless message he sent you, but you couldn’t let him know any of those.

You could only watch him run his own life, see him fall to someone else while you are devastated, you couldn’t do a single thing, you never had the right to, you couldn’t oppose, you couldn’t fight, you could only cry your heart out!

And when he gets back to you, while his heart breaks too and he’ll ask for your friendship, you couldn’t yell at him, you couldn’t tell him that you hated him too somehow for breaking you heart , you would wanna curse yourself when you realized you are actually trying to comfort him.

You would love to spend few moments with him but your mind would want you to run away. Your mind will dictate this “stupid, don’t get used to it, you know this wouldn’t last for long, and when that happen, swear you gonna tear your heart into pieces all over again”

But your foolish heart will interrupt  and will tell you this“ it doesn’t matter now,  I know you’ll gonna lose him soon, but whether you distant yourself from him or not, still you’ll gonna break your heart, just gather memories of him so you’ll have something to look back someday, you must be happy even for a while….”

Now, are you having the same tough times? Or this girl I knew is the only one who’s into this…. I wish I know what to tell her.. I wish I could help her ease away the hurt she’s into.

But everyone is facing life's challenges, maybe this one goes to her.

Another non sense from the stupid girl!

I wish I could tell you what I truly feel about you, but I just can’t. I am stupid I know, I broke my heart because of you, and I thought I’ve forgotten my feelings for you..

I’m not supposed to feel this, I must be hating you… I must be forgetting you…

I’m trying to distant myself, so I wouldn’t fall for you completely, but maybe its too late, I already did.

I’m not sorry that I loved you, I’m only sorry because I couldn’t let you know it. I could only watch you standing there, and feel my heart shattering into pieces.

My mind is telling me to run away from you, but my foolish heart would want to stay.

But this is wrong, this is really wrong.. I don’t even know your intention, are you just using me to forget your own heartaches? Or just like the old days, I am misinterpreting you again.

Anyway, whatever the reason is, the ending of this story is losing you….

thanks again!

hey there!

tnx for the movie treat! i enjoyed it, it was fun and you're next to me...

Can somebody tell me what's the point?

I don’t know why am I doing this… was it really wrong? When you involved yourself to something you know wouldn’t last long?.. you’ll be breaking your heart soon … what’s the point of staying? What if you’ll break his heart too, not  just yours? Come on, tell me what’s the point?

THE AVENGERS

When superheroes and legendary characters blend in, they’re called The Avengers!

Latch night I watched this movie, and it was worth watching.

..and thanks to ALLEN for this movie treat.. i owe you! hehe

THANKS!

hey there

we ended up lost, tired walking, left with no tickets for that movie you want to see and yet I found myself smiling like crazy right now. 

I wanna thank you for that dinner treat, I don't feel like eating actually, but I dont want to disappoint you and because I want to be near you too.. this wouldn't be long I know, this will end soon, it must..but  I'm just collecting memories of you.

i don't know your intention of asking me out, it could be because you dont want to watch that movie alone, or maybe you're trying  to cover up that heartaches you're into, or because you just badly needing a friend... whatever that be, it doesn't matter, im too tired of my own heartaches too, i wanna get free sometimes.

----for NO.5--

what to do when you're heartbroken

I’m not really sure if I’m heartbroken, I just felt my heart in the state of uneasiness.. haha

Few days ago, I was with gayle—and I told her that I’m hurting, then she just said--- “I don’t think you’re hurt, I can see your eyes sparkling!”, damn!

Or am I stupidly inlove again?! No way, I just hate to admit that, coz the last time I involved myself into that, I found my heart bleeding… and I’m so aware, that it would happen again, as a matter of fact, I think I’m already breaking!

So what to do when you're hearbroken??

Here.

Stroll and pose somewhere.

 

Meet you old friend. Express yourself. "tnx che for listening!"

 

Eat.

 

Sing your heart out

 

And play the song “I think I’m falling” all over again.. haha

Good night!

 

Another letter for EXJR

It’s been a while since I last wrote you, and I shouldn’t be writing you anymore. I should have moved on by now… I thought I did.

I was thinking of writing you few days ago informing you that your presence bothers me no more. Not until today, when I saw you hurting because of “her”. My mind says, you deserved that, you somehow must feel that pain  coz you’ve caused me  that too, now we’re even! And I should be happy but I’m not, coz my heart is breaking too.

When I saw you looking at her, with that rage and pain in your eyes, it broke my heart! It disheartened me knowing that your heart belongs to someone and not me---- 

Anyway, I shouldn’t be blaming you for my own heartaches, it’s not your fault, maybe I misinterpreted everything, I assumed that you liked me too. And even if you chose me, still, I can’t let you in in my life.

Yes, maybe we we’re meant to be, but cannot be together…  I would be so selfish if I won’t let you find that person that could be at your side for the rest of your life.

So even it cuts so deep, I still wish you happiness with someone else.

the stupid girl is back

I’m trying to comfort the person who actually got no idea that he once hurt me so bad… he’s in the situation now where I was recently into…. I don’t know if I’m being a fool again … I could scold myself for that.. and I should be happy that I don’t have to make a move to make us even now that he’s been hurting too… but instead my heart breaks because he’s breaking his heart too..

 

 

.....

If only I was strong enough to face the real world

Then maybe I am on my peak of my dreams coming true now

If only I’ve realized what I truly wanted when I was 16

Then maybe I’m not here right now

If only I am not indecisive

Then maybe I am not stuck right now

If only the world is an easy place to be at

Then maybe I am fearless right now

If only I had tried to risk

Then maybe I am not asking myself “what if?” now

If only I am blessed with self confidence

Then maybe I am circumscribing the globe now

If only I knew the purpose of my existence

Then maybe I am not so damn confused now

If only I didn’t play safe in my life’s quest

Then maybe I’m a skilled person right now

If only I gave chance to things I ran away from

Then maybe I found what’s missing in my life

If only I had said the things I’m still hiding right now

Then maybe my heart ain’t broken still

If only I’m brave enough to fight my feelings for someone

Then maybe I’m not hopeless and waiting in vain till now

But If only I knew where I supposed to stand

Then maybe I tried fighting

And if only that someone knew it

Then maybe I’m not twisting my mind in wondering now

Finally, if only the world is faultless, then absolutely I’m not saying IF ONLY right now

…..but the world is truly PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.

OH, IF ONLY.

maybe she's stupid

"Dear _______,

I’m sorry if I haven’t made you feel that I was into you. I haven’t said a single thing about how much I liked you, I did keep everything a secret because I was afraid I might hurt you someday for I am someone who can’t fight her love, especially in our case, we are living in different world.

You heard me right, I did it because I don’t want you to suffer and itI doesn’t matter even if it seems that it’s me who is actually hurting right now.

Love,

Ms. Stupid"