9/14/2012

Feel my silent rage, coz I just can't tell you. If only I could let you know without me saying a word how much I hated, then I would.. you make me smile outside but you're breaking my heart..

I hated you because I had liked you, I don't want to feel this regrets because it wasn't my choice..maybe not your fault as well, I was stupid.

Swear, I am trying not to feel mad at you, but i couldn't stop myself, and I'm sorry for that. I just wish that you were once true, I don't have the right to ask you, though I really wanted to...

Someday, I will forgive you though you're not asking for it, you don't even know why you should be forgiven....

LOVE ONLY THOSE WHO LOVE YOU

dear you,

Don’t you dare cry! That jerk doesn’t even deserve those tears! He had hurt you once, and he’s again doing it now… that would be so shame on you if you let him break your heart again! Don’t run after someone who’s not even recognizing your presence, who’s not even aware that his hurting you so bad.. Don’t be his option, he’s a loser… if he comes to you, then let him, just don’t fall, guard your heart, he’s a monster pretending to be an angel!.. he was just using you to cover up his own heartaches, and now that he’s doing fine, he’ll forget about you!.... so don’t let him win over you….

Don’t give a damn to someone who’s not into you! Yes, he’s not into you.. you must open your eyes now! Stop hoping, stop waiting, stop wondering! He doesn’t really like you, he never did!

Asking for proof? Well, he never gave you anything that would make you feel special, he never called you, he only texts and talk to you when he deals with his own broken heart (obviously, panakip butas ka lang!), he never fetch you, he never insisted to walk you home, he always breaks his words, he’s not firm and consistent with what he says, he’s a coward!

And those small sweet things he once did?—those were just part of his fooling around, don’t be so gullible, girl… don’t be so naïve… don’t be so stupid, you have done enough…. Stop expecting, he’s not interested in you, period!

So, what you gonna do now?  Nothing! If you can’t fake it, then don’t be so obvious that you are affected, don’t show the world that you are as if losing someone…. In fact , he’s someone not your loss!

You’re gonna be fine… just wear that smile always, be happy, act happy.

Just like what rules girls say…. LOVE ONLY THOSE WHO LOVE YOU.

Sincerely Yours,

 

How many LAST LETTER shall I make to get over it?? hahaha

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I wish I won’t see you forever, if only I could erase you in my system, then I should have done that long time ago.. Now, I hate myself for being so defenseless, how could you??! I don’t deserve be hurt by you.. that’s why I won’t let you.. no more stupid songs for you, no I will never shed a tear for you, never again! I was stupid I know, but its over now! Get lost!!!"

--the mad side of me—

"Woah! That’s so mad of me.. hehe.. actually I don’t want to write those things, that’s humiliating, but I can’t help myself… I’m sorry I freaked out, I’m only releasing what’s inside me right now before it burst out to tears, but as I’ve said, no more tears for you.. and I’ll be fine, don’t worry, oh, I don’t think you give a damn to worry."

" Anyway, I’ve already screamed out my anger. And to whom that letter is concern, don’t listen to my mad self..  Maybe it wasn’t really your fault, I didn’t get rid of you after you’ve hurt me once, i just want to spend few moments with you because sooner or later we will part ways. And you know what, you’re just one of the reason why I am staying. See? I can be blame too, coz I let stupid things to happen, I let myself fall, and this is the consequence I’m facing. I was just too foolish believing somehow I mean to you when I’m really not. I thought I have guarded my heart firmly, but I was wrong. "

"But despite this , I know I’m gonna be alright. I tolerated this, so I'll be on my own fix it.. For sure I can!"

--the trying-to-be-calm side of me--

 

THE LAST LETTER

This is going to be my last letter to you EXJR… I think I have done so many lasts but I hope this one is for real. This afternoon I asked for a sign if I should stop doing this, and the answer was YES!.. I know it would be hard, it could also mean I should stop writing… I just love writing when my heart is breaking.

 

Dear EXJR,

You’re forgiven, but I shouldn’t forget how much you caused me pain, not for now, maybe someday, coz that’s my only defense to stop  this foolishness… yah, I’ve been so stupid believing that you liked me too. It’s not your fault anyway—that I’m still convincing myself.

Honestly, I’m still into to you, I hate to admit it but I must stop it. Running away from you is the right thing to do, though that’s not what makes me happy. I’m pushing you away but that’s not really what's inside my heart. I want you to be happy even with someone else, but that’s not what I really feel.

 This hurts, but I have to say goodbye now… I wish happiness for the both of us.

GOODBYE EXJR!

Another non sense from the stupid girl!

I wish I could tell you what I truly feel about you, but I just can’t. I am stupid I know, I broke my heart because of you, and I thought I’ve forgotten my feelings for you..

I’m not supposed to feel this, I must be hating you… I must be forgetting you…

I’m trying to distant myself, so I wouldn’t fall for you completely, but maybe its too late, I already did.

I’m not sorry that I loved you, I’m only sorry because I couldn’t let you know it. I could only watch you standing there, and feel my heart shattering into pieces.

My mind is telling me to run away from you, but my foolish heart would want to stay.

But this is wrong, this is really wrong.. I don’t even know your intention, are you just using me to forget your own heartaches? Or just like the old days, I am misinterpreting you again.

Anyway, whatever the reason is, the ending of this story is losing you….

thanks again!

hey there!

tnx for the movie treat! i enjoyed it, it was fun and you're next to me...

THANKS!

hey there

we ended up lost, tired walking, left with no tickets for that movie you want to see and yet I found myself smiling like crazy right now. 

I wanna thank you for that dinner treat, I don't feel like eating actually, but I dont want to disappoint you and because I want to be near you too.. this wouldn't be long I know, this will end soon, it must..but  I'm just collecting memories of you.

i don't know your intention of asking me out, it could be because you dont want to watch that movie alone, or maybe you're trying  to cover up that heartaches you're into, or because you just badly needing a friend... whatever that be, it doesn't matter, im too tired of my own heartaches too, i wanna get free sometimes.

----for NO.5--

Another letter for EXJR

It’s been a while since I last wrote you, and I shouldn’t be writing you anymore. I should have moved on by now… I thought I did.

I was thinking of writing you few days ago informing you that your presence bothers me no more. Not until today, when I saw you hurting because of “her”. My mind says, you deserved that, you somehow must feel that pain  coz you’ve caused me  that too, now we’re even! And I should be happy but I’m not, coz my heart is breaking too.

When I saw you looking at her, with that rage and pain in your eyes, it broke my heart! It disheartened me knowing that your heart belongs to someone and not me---- 

Anyway, I shouldn’t be blaming you for my own heartaches, it’s not your fault, maybe I misinterpreted everything, I assumed that you liked me too. And even if you chose me, still, I can’t let you in in my life.

Yes, maybe we we’re meant to be, but cannot be together…  I would be so selfish if I won’t let you find that person that could be at your side for the rest of your life.

So even it cuts so deep, I still wish you happiness with someone else.

maybe she's stupid

"Dear _______,

I’m sorry if I haven’t made you feel that I was into you. I haven’t said a single thing about how much I liked you, I did keep everything a secret because I was afraid I might hurt you someday for I am someone who can’t fight her love, especially in our case, we are living in different world.

You heard me right, I did it because I don’t want you to suffer and itI doesn’t matter even if it seems that it’s me who is actually hurting right now.

Love,

Ms. Stupid"

I STILL HATE YOU EXJR

Another letter for EXJR, of course I feel better now than before, there are just times like this that I’m being reminded of that anger I was trying to bury for quiet long now. And because blurting it out is not possible, this is the only way to keep the rage from spoiling inside me, write it.

"There were some moments I thought I have moved on, that I don’t care about you anymore. Maybe what I’ve felt for you before is about to subside, and that’s what I am wishing too, that your memories will fade. I know that’s hard since  I can still see you around. 

I wanted to tell you that I hated you, but I never did. And now it seems that you are free from my silent grudge,-- that what you did was fine, that it didn’t affect me a bit.

What else can I do? I am just afraid that I couldn’t defend my self if I’ll tell you that your presence disgusts me. Coz if I do, I might carry the shame if you’ll answer me back this, “what do we had then that gives you now the right to feel mad at me?”

I swear I wanted you to know how much you’ve hurt me. That’s why I don’t keep this message private so somehow you’ll read this even if it cost my humiliation. I wanted you to read my letters coz I couldn’t tell it to your face…

This can be wrong; I must not hate you… but I’m sorry, I hate you. “

this is not a love story

You liked her, but she didn’t at first

You we’re persistent, you followed her

She said no, but you didn’t give up

One day, she surrendered, you won

she got into you, that was your fault

She guarded her heart, so she did not tell you

She was confused, she was afraid,

She learned to hide what she felt for you

Everything was fine, though no words to bind you

Nor promises to hold on to

You we’re okay—that I assumed

And she was happy too with you beside her

So you didn’t know, you didn’t care

Or maybe you didn’t really love her

She's about to confess, glad she didn't

Someone new came, so you forgot her

You’re now determined to the other one

And she’s hurting but you got no idea

She could only pretend she was doing great without you

She got no right to oppose, but she will be fine

What was your intention then?

Or who was to blame now?

Could it be you? Who maybe just was playing around?

Or she, who never tried to fight?

It could have been a good story

But before it formally started, it ended……

 

(i was just browsing the net when i saw the picture above, yah I'm not the one who did it.. i found it cute though heart breaking of course.... then I made a story/poem/whatever you call it .......)

"I WONDER" from someone wondering

"...and my heart still aches.. i wonder if that would make you happy... i wonder if you intend to break it... i wonder if i'd ever had hurt you too and now you take revenge...i wonder if im wrong.. i wonder if i ever had a space in your heart.... i wonder if you'd think of me too somehow.... i wonder which words you said were truth or lies...i wonder if your smiles are fake... i wonder if you'll look at me the way you look at me yesterday...i wonder if you'll remember me at least, dont forget me.."

"I wonder if you know who are you... i wonder if you know i was wondering..."

for you out there:

5 things I want to tell  E.X.J.R

-I lived my life normally even before you came, and there's no reason for me not to live it again that way now that you're going to hell!!-

-I hate you, get lost!-

-Thanks for the attempt to break me, but baby you can't, coz you're only making me stronger!-

-my biggest mistake is to fall for you almost completely-

-Yesterday, seeing you makes me smile, today, i could only sigh,
 yesterday, you're voice is music to my ears, today its a noise I want to curse you
 Yesterday I liked you, today I regret knowing you!



That's it! I wish could tell you that, but I just can't, I wish in some small means you'll drop here... that's why I wouldn't keep this private as how I kept secretely those letters i wish I could give you. I know I'm being mean, forgive me if I did, I'm just hurt, if you only knew... Don't worry, i'll get through this... someday, I'll forgive you even though you got no idea how much I hate you now, someday  i'll laugh at my self I came up with such words.... just let me say those, it will at least lessen the hatred in my heart now.. I'm trying to pour them down here so soon I'll be free.

I still wish you happiness, I'm aware I shouldn't put all the blame in you... maybe I was the one to blame.... or maybe the fate. I didn't ask the stars to grant me the impossible, but i never thought you could almost break me so sudden.

Thanks for fooling around with me....for the pretensions, i wonder were all those things you said are lies.... I hope not, that somehow, you'll remember me too, that somehow, i had a space in your heart...

Goodbye now EXJR.

no way you're gonna break me

You almost break me

I’m next to believing

Your eyes, finally, I know cloaked with lies

You almost got me with your disguise

Now, I can face the truth

I can go on,

 I could thank you for clearing my mind

But not for the scar you left me

It could be the deepest, and you don’t even know

You go on with your life now

I’ll go with mine…… completely

With my head still high,

COZ I WILL NEVER LET YOU BREAK ME… NO WAY!

DEAR MR. EX

So, is it really over now? I'll declare yes.

I knew this would gonna happen, its breaking me, but I'm fine. I would be hypocrite, if I'll say I'm not mad at you, though I wont tell, I dont even have the right to do so.

I'm gonna get through this, even I'll see you everyday having a great time with someone else, your chances (with her) anyway is way too far away than ours.

But I hope you would stop from playing around with me, stop pretending that you like me too, so you've been really pretending all this time?? huh, are you?

I'll do my part too, i will no longer give signs that I like you too though i acted that I'm faking it, at least i saved my pride... good thing, you thought I'm unpredictable, so wouldn't really know.

you won it, the game you started, but not for long, you'll see.. I'll be fine without you.

for aya

I'm sorry if i was not able to make you happy and proud despite the support and guidance you gave me. I'm sorry for not obeying you sometimes, i guess selflessness is really hard to do. I know there are things you want me to do because it is supposed to be the right one... but there are other things i want to do...

but this i promise you that no matter what happen, i will always consider what you have said and thought me. that someday in my own way, i will repay you.. that i swear to  you, i will make you proud, maybe not now, but i will do my very best to be someone you can be proud of.. i may not do exactly want you want me to be, but i will never do things that I know not appropriate.

youre the BEST FATHER... and feel bad that i cannot give back what you deserve.. maybe not now, but i will do my very best to become a better person. In every step I take, you're always part of me... My success in life, to you I offer... you are the reason why I keep on breathing..

I pray to Allah your health and security.I'll pray to Him to give us more time together, I want you to witness future happening in my life..

Thank you for everything and no one can ever take you're place. you and umi are the best parents in the whole wide world.

for someone out there

I dont know what’s the name of the person this letter is intended for... but surely it’s for someone out there, it may be absurd, i maybe a crazy fool, but it’s for my soulmate.... I dont want to think that’s he’s existence is like waiting for the snow to fall in Sahara... I may not be anymore a litte girl believing in fairy tales, but I still wish that my prince charming will ever come my way, maybe these thoughts are for hopeless romantics....but I still want to convince my self that one day, I’ll be seeing you, painting my world...

My 25 years of existence is yet to come, havent experienced the love I longed to feel, laugh at me if you want, call me desperate, whatever you want,  sometimes I mock my self for these illusions... but if it’s not you, then better none.

I dont dream of your perfectness, I just want those eyes see me, those smiles that wash away the world’s imperfections, those touch that would kiss away my fears and worries. I just want you to fill the empty space in my heart, that even in a stormy weather, you’ll be my sunshine. I just want you to laugh at my jokes. Ruin my hair, but still appreciates me. Be my strength when I almost lose hope. Carry me when I can no longer walk. Listen to me when my world shutters..

I know youre there somewhere, somehow... I wonder if you ever think of me too? I wish I have an idea where in the world I can find you. A relief when I looked up in the sky every night, watching stars above, hoping you’re watching it too.

You may never come, you may forever lost your way.... maybe the thoughts of watching the stars while holding your hands, exploring the world with you by my side, dry my eyes when its wet with tears, sing with me my song, share with me the memories we never had, love you unconditionally.............will be forever a dream.... I’ll still keep you in my heart..... no matter how long.... no matter how far you are.... I’ll be waiting.... Just feel the wind, I sent my message to them... take care