soooooooooooo T I R E D!

If in a very small possible way you stumble here on my webpage, specifically at this post, then I advise you to stop reading… this is rated PG, coz I’m about to do some drama…. Hehe

I don’t know why it’s so easy for me to write sad and negative things than those happy ones..

This past few days, I’ve been hearing myself pronouncing these lines : “I’m tired na”, “ayoko na”, “so exhausted”…  to what? I’m not sure if it’s just literally of my job with some mean people surround me, so toxic na! if during my earlier months i was complaining because i had less task to do where i found it so boring and dull, now i can't figure out which tasks should take place first and be prioritized... "maloloka na ako! kaya ko naman, but it will take time before I'll learn everything, add to that the people who will throw you unjust criticism and instead of helping you, they will try to put you down.

 Or could it be I’m tired of my life, sorry I thought I wasn’t that morbid anymore, (but, hey, I won’t entertain suicide here, good thing I’m afraid of pain.. hehe)..  sometimes i just felt everything going on in me is meaningless, like i had wasted so much time.

Or I’m so exhausted waiting for something--- that maybe never existed or had gone so long time ago me not knowing it.

I'm starting to get sick of this place, I'm here because i'm into my life's sense quest, but i think i'm a bit lost, i couldn't find the way, i'm not confident enough to take risk, im stuck.

I've run out of words to uplift me when I'm down, i've got no friends here to give me advices.

I hate hearing people saying that they want to find themselves.. why?! are they lost? I think they’re just denial! …and honestly I’m one of them too… so that means I hate myself too.. hahaha..

I'm not tolerating nor welcoming this random thoughts that are eating me and outsmarted me, diko lang talaga maiiwasan, pasensya na.

Anyway, what’s the value of this blog? Its meaningless too, I’m sleepy na kasi kay tatapusin ko nan g ganon ganon na lang.. hehe

Good night!

PS: writing this had at least lighten up my mood. see? effective naman kahit papano!

i've got no one but myself

I’ve mentioned this on my facebook earlier- I must get myself a good grip because I’m almost on the brink of my sanity! Yah really, im being so stressed nowadays, and if i couldn’t handle it well, surely I’ll go crazy! Haha..

I’ve realized that I have a long way to trudge in order for me to know the things I’m supposed to know, got my point? (of course no one could ever know everything in this world). I feel stupid sometimes and feel ashamed for not being aware of so many things, when I am being asked a question and I couldn’t answer, that’s hell! When I couldn’t prove what I want to prove? That’s disheartening!

But can I be blamed for the matters I didn’t know? Am I I crossing the boundary of being lenient, am I overdoing it? Or was I so careless? Or am I just being occupied of so many thoughts I wasn’t able to save spaces for the relevant things?

Anyway… I’m on the process of learning new things now, whether I’m just trying to comfort myself for saying that it’s not too late, it doesn’t matter. I’m just trying to convince myself here that I’m not the only person who’s facing these life’s deterrents and hindrances. And I’m such a hard headed person and pessimistic as ever too that I couldn’t calm myself easily, I couldn’t filter distractions, they keep on coming! I know, they will never stop on coming, it’s just how I take it…..

I’m being tortured, but that would make me tough right??! and frankly speaking, I appreciate the perks I’m getting…

And thanks to my mini “notes to myself”, I could give myself some uplifting words, I have no one to save myself but myself. hehe

So ash, chillax now! The only thing you’ll get in taking things too seriously is heart failure and a miserable life! If you keep on permitting these negative vibes come into you, you surely never gonna find happiness!  Remember, The world wouldn’t revolve at your favor!

 

  

2/19/2012

I include blogging on my checklist today, that’s why I’m obliging myself to do this though I’m not really in the mood.

Woke up 8am , dried squid for breakfast, cleaned the room, sent my dirty clothes and uniform to the laundry shop, dropped by at the nearest Save More. Cooked spaghetti—unfortunately I forgot to add cheese on that.

 Ate green mango with bagoong and soy sauce.

 Movie marathon.

And I felt emptiness a while ago.. echos! Hehe

Watching Gandang Gabi Vice now.

FLOWERS EVERYWHERE????

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

2/6/2012

I was on leave today, I claimed my PRC ID. And I think I need a break too.

 This dress I was wearing was my mom’s choice, I’m not that really feminine type but if I wont wear this, then it will only be rotten on my closet. I can’t even wear it during our wash day in the office, they’ll surely gonna tease me, they’re not used to see me being so girly girly, not to mention we are on a construction site. See? I couldn't even make a good pose.. haha

After getting my ID, I headed to SM Manila but I didn’t stay there for longer hours. Back home, watched movie and food tripped.

And let me post this scratch pictures..

Back to work again tomorrow! Wish me luck..

AAA's DIARIES

Yes! I am that kind-- a person who sometimes can’t voice out what she truly feels inside  and instead, her words ended up on a piece of paper, notebooks or here… I found relief on that, at least.

 Consider me a writer, with yours truly, the sole reader as well.. hehe

I write things to some maybe childish, stories, poetries--- mostly heart breaking pieces, I even write letters for someone I couldn’t express my real feelings to, even letters to my imaginary soulmate.. laugh! I wont stop you, cheers to hopeless romantics..

And most especially I carve down my burdens here, its like carrying a wagon load of pain and disappointments and will only be lighten up if I pour them down here, like writing down my worries on the seashore and let the waves wipe them away..  clichéd? Yah, I’m such a corny person if you don’t know. Haha

So long for an intro when what I actually wanted to say is--- How am I gonna be able to fill all out these when I’m just so tired of doing so? Coz I am busy! I’m being guilty when I leave the pages of my planner and diary (with dates) blank.

My 2012 planner, with my old planners….

My 2012 diary, its February now but I haven’t written so much there. And that's my sketchpad and “notes to self” mini notebook.

Ofcourse my old declining (I hope not) laptop and my brother’s too—those I used in updating my multiply site.

Thanks to these stuffs, they’d help me record my unsaid thoughts.

I'm telling my self not to think too much

This I’m about to say here is in relation to my previous blog.

So, how am I right now? After being baffled of so many thoughts that only caused me anxiety, now I feel better.

Yesterday when I woke up, when I’m still not disturbed of anything, I opened the papers containing the exercises given to us last Saturday. As what I am expecting, that questions were really simple that I should really be ashamed that I couldn’t answer it on the very first place, then I solved  it without the help of anyone, just my self and my confused common sense (haha). See?! I knew it! my mind just wont work on the spot...seemed like I couldn't understand a thing at that moment, i was so blank!

 Oh my! I think I’m really having a poor memory here, I guess I’ve over used my mind.. haha

Fine, I may not proved myself to them, at least I’ve learned that I’m still not thar dumb, i was just lost in thought and pressurized, I actually typing these things because I’m cajoling and comforting my degraded (by me J)  self, who will do it for me if I wont?? I’m responsible!

So that’s it, as what they said, if there’s s something I don’t want in my life, I should stop thinking about it, stop talking and worrying about it, I’m only giving so much energy to it to keep it alive, and withdrawing my own energy. I may write those thoughts that burdening me in my diary and leave it there.

Ash, cheer up now!                 

I think I'm thinking too much

What’s wrong with me? Am I really just hassled or something in me is flagging?! Haha.. or could it be a sign of aging?how come when I didn’t even bloom yet duh?! Haha

Good thing I reached home safe and no car had hit me while crossing the streets because I think I’m out of myself today.

I think I’m really thinking too much nowadays that I couldn't even think well, I feel like a student again rushing for a requirement in order to graduate.

Yah, I’m being busy in work. I had actually exceeded to the target time for my quantity take off of something, I feel disappointed, I had done my part, extended my time, I double speed and so on, but that estimate I was doing went complicated.. that’s why.

And yesterday, I had a reconciliation with the DLS, but I wasn’t that prepared, I mean I didn’t anticipate that especially when I am rushing something and my other senior handed me the petty cash too, she’s on leave yesterday. To sum it up, I’m really intoxicated!

About the recon? I could have done better, that’s all I can say. I felt like this.

I even wasted so much papers in coloring the keyplans for my estimate, i'm so disturbed and crammed that resulted for so many slip-ups and scratches.

Same as today, aside from being busy, I was so preoccupied, I’m being bothered of so many things-- my future, my plans (do I have a plan anyway???), my position in the office and my future tasks, my credibility, my family, my age (yah, you read that right, my age), the trips I am thinking that I don’t even know how to do it, my life itself,  even my stupid credit card isn’t working well online, …and so on…

It’s actually a shame that I couldn’t even answer the exercise given to us this afternoon during our mini seminar in the office. The question wouldn’t even sink in me ---that was so easy, so basic I know, but I couldn’t answer it, my mind went blank. They may be expecting me to answer it but damn I couldn’t even start computing--- then I’ve realized, something is really wrong with me!

I can feel really the meaning of stressed right now, my drained ayes, my popping out pimples, my haggard looks, my dull feeling and my weary mood.

Anyway, no one would help me with these undertakings but myself… as always, writing down my random thoughts helps.

I need to refresh myself. Thank  God  that tomorrow is Sunday and my leave for Monday is approved! Yey!!!

I’ll be fine tomorrow….. I will.

2/3/11

Can somebody tell me that I'm not stupid coz I feel like one..... I feel like I'm guilty, I feel so wrong.... Or am I just paranoid again?????