getting bigger

Now I know the feeling of those chubby girls when a beautiful dress wouldn’t fit them… Whoah, I’m gaining weight now… of course I’m happy, it’s one of my wishes though my fats now showing up..

There was a beautiful black dress I saw and I like it so much, but unfortunately it wouldn’t fit me, I was so confident it would since I had no problem with sizes….. because I’m so slim!!!....that was then…. Well, not anymore…  and I cant imagine myself having discipline on foods…. Diet to be specific… well, for now, I don’t have to… after all, it’s what I really wanted…..

HOW BOUT CALL CENTERS?

I’m giving my self three weeks here in manila to find an engineering related job, and I am on the second week now… And after three weeks of not being lucky, perhaps I need to try call center… it isn’t in line of my profession, but everybody is qualified to become a call center agent, as long as you’re capable of speaking or with good communication skills.. well, I may not be expert on that, but I think I deserve a try…. Go Ash, just give it a try….!!! 

trying to be an island

...though no man is an island...

char char

 

 

This photo shows my first airplane encounter. The was astounding! Seeing the Earth down there and the clouds… wow! But behind those astonishing experience, is that I screamed to myself every time the plane became really movable, when it goes up and down, my heart did too… I got lil dizzy and deafened by the pressures up there… well, that was indeed a good flight, perhaps I need to experienced that when 50% of humanity did too.

never a farewell

It’s 8pm of 16^th of January 2009, currently hearing the voice of my eldest brother singing with the song playing on his dvd player right now. Well, tomorrow I’ll be leaving home.. Of course I wouldn’t say that this would be my last Saturday nigh here, never! I’ll be back and praying that everything is still the same here at home. Well, I don’t know when will I be back…. I cant really tell right now, but absolutely I will..

I had a great day today, well same old stuff, same routine…. But we had a lunch there at KC, just me, my father and mother. A little shopping with my mom ...I’m supposed to buy a traveling bag but I haven’t found any… maybe I’ll used the old trolley bag of my mom, the one she bought in Saudi Arabia, when she had her pilgrimage.. that was 14 years ago, but still, the bag still looks great… and take note, that was the same bag I used when I went to college there in MSU nine years ago, and recently, yes just last year, my father used it when he had his pilgrimage… and now I’m using it again….there are lots of bag we purchased after fourteen years, but that’s the only bag that I think I can use tomorrow and might accommodate my things… (dapat bag ang title neto e.. hehe)

Enough for that, I am being called for dinner… garlic flavored chicken, here I come!!!!

THE PROMISE

Just this morning, my father told me that he's worried about how I perform my duties regarding our religion, and I'm a kinda guilty on that... I dont forget my religion though I perform it not the usual or appropriate way, only my heart knows... but since it wasn't the way my father wanted me too... this I will promise that I'll try to do what he really wants me to do someday....I got to find my self first.... and really hope and pray that my parents would be given a long and healthy life because I want to make them feel proud and stop worying about me someday...

I also promise that if I'll be fortunate to earn lots of money, I will take them back to Holy Makkah.... and pay them back and buy them what they want even though they're not asking for it.

I will also promise that never will I forget my religion and someday I will perform that real duties of a true Islam.

and I'm also aware that we can't predict life, it will end unexpectedly and a possiblity not reaching those days but I am writing this for these are the things I INTEND to do someday...

I'll be living tomorrow to search for a greener pasture, it would be a quest for the purpore of my existence and I promise that I will never lose the right way... that I'll be a better person... that I am only doing this to clear my mind, to set my confuseness free.

So Help me God... remind me these promises..

I HAVE AN EXCELLENT FATHER

I have the greatest father in the world, I don’t know but behind his kind of attitude and accomplishments none of my brothers had leveled him.  His parents owned hectares of land but not really into education, but this did not stop him to pursue his education and achieved doctoral degree. Currently, aside from his good position in one of the Universities here in Mindanao, he’s been so active in Non Government Organizations. He’s really a busy person, so workaholic. He’s out of the house everyday and see him only in the evening. And if you think he’s spending his free time resting, you’re wrong… Everyday before and after going to office, he checks on his shop, yes, he owns a steel works shop, he doesn’t just manage, he’s also doing the work itself, cutting, fabricating, installing, framing, he doesn’t only rely on his labors. He’s also doing some carpentry works and electrical works at home, he have so much of skill. He even washes dishes sometimes.. and he was once my tutor too…I don’t know,  he might get tired if he rests…. So sad to know that none of his skills were inherited by my brothers….. I’m even guilty that I can’t also be the best daughter in the world and I don’t think he deserves it… But swear, he’ll gonna be proud of me someday and I’ll be able to repay him back although he doesn’t ask for it…

                                 

 Well, don’t get me wrong my midwife mom is also the best mom in the whole wide world….

THE DECISION

No turning back, flight would be on Sunday, 3 days to go, I made a decision I’m not sure if it’s right, so I will list reasons why at least, it’s a good decision.

 

1. I’ll be able experience flying……….. with the plane
2. To prove my self for what I can do
3. To know my self better
4. To grow and gain confidence
5. Become independent
6. More opportunities out there
7. To prove these people that they were wrong for thinking that I can’t do it
8. A possibility of answers to my questions
9. Quest for good future
10. Learn

 

 

As I said, the decision is made, I’ll make it right, I know there’s always good on it and there I will hold on. I will do it for myself and for my family…. To God, I ask for help and guidance.

you got me...

My First To Fly

 

This Sunday, it would be my first to fly, I’ll be alone, and I’ll take it a challenge… There’s a journey awaits me and will start it in Philippine Airlines… Call me ignorant, but I feel nervous… Seeing airplanes flying so high is so enthralling and amazing…. But no matter how fascinating it can be, it wouldn’t be enough to ease my tense, that would feel so edgy up there, I’m not afraid of heights but this one let me see… Would it be like riding in a ferris wheel?...I didn’t say that, two friends described it to me that way… if so, then I experienced riding in a ferris wheel just twice, that’s way back college, mind you, it took me hard time before giving it a try since I’m afraid that I might feel rolling after. (lol)

 

One thing that would make me worried about is my motion sickness, hope it wont strike me up there, wouldn’t take it alone…

 

Well, I’m going to fly, I’ll be seeing the sky, the clouds and if possible, I’ll see you all down here…… Wish me luck!!! 

BACK THERE

While other spent their holidays to their respective families and hometowns, we also visited our newly built bahay kubo, barong barong, cottage, small house, whatever you call it in our province, the hometown of our grand parents in Midsayap North Cotabato. It’s a place where we just can’t take away, aside from the piece of land my mom inherited from her parents, the place also is full of their childhood memories. That small house is built adjacent to the feared, old and wrecked house of our grand parents. Did I just say feared? Well, the residents of the place especially those who claimed their selves with third eyes said that they’ve been seeing ghost, “balbal” and unknown creatures in the vicinity, to sum it up, the old  house became haunted since it was abandoned almost twenty years ago. So, when we built the small house near it, we ask somebody to totally ruin the old house by dismantling and removing the posts and wall of the house in order to lessen the eerie feelings when we were in the place. So last December. 26, 2009, with some of our family members, we had slept in the newly built house. Maybe I was 5 or 6 since the last time I had slept in the old house… The pictures I pasted in here are the views you can see in the area.

MIMING

Now that I’m about to leave, I am so worried about my cat… who would take care of it when the rest of the family don’t really want her??? … it was the one my father took home when it was very small, the one that had been stuck on the mud at his office when it flooded there….. so bad… I have more to say but I just cant express it.. All I know is I’ll be missing the kitten so much…

RULES AND MISSIONS WHEN I GET THERE

 

1. Never forget my religion
2. Never wear sexy outfits or those exposing so much skin
3. Look for agencies recruiting engineers abroad
4. While waiting for the opportunities outside country, apply job for manila
5. Conquer fear
6. Gain confidence
7. Must not feel bad when rejected
8. Experience bravely riding the plane
9. Never tolerate ignorance
10. Be independent
11. If ever I’ll be lucky and find a job with good salary, send money or buy anything that would please my parents
12. Spend some money for my cousin Akot for her basic needs if possible
13. Being out there for maximum of five years
14. Meet and gain friends

 

I’ll try to put on my comments on this entry every time I’ll encounter incidents and situations related on these.

The Meaning Of Loyalty

Am I not welcome to new things or I’m just so loyal?

 

            If only an award is given to those who used their cell phone numbers for 10 years, then I’ll be crowned. I’ve been using my smart number almost 10 years now, I had my first cell phone when I was fourth year school, I can still remember the date, September 6, 2000…yes, the number is still active though my first cell phone is already out of nowhere, I gave it to my father but he lost it..

 

            Well, it’s only the number, I don’t mean to say that when you don’t change your number then you’re out of the trend.

 

            But there are also other things that I still treasure and kept, no matter how outdated and out modeled those were…. Maybe that’s how I really value things…

 

            That’s it!

Ash, Level up!!

I might not see my future, or what awaits me out there, I'm a bit nervous no doubt, but there's no turning back... how will I know anyway. Must set aside my fears, I'm moving on! It's really painful to leave my family but I must learn what I really can do. I'm slowly deteriorating in terms of my profession and if I let this to keep on going, then everything I've done in college will only gone to waste, I'm a civil engineer and not only an ordinary degree holder, that's what I want to remind my self.
My mission for my leaving is to grow up and develop everything in me, of course to find a good job and earn my own money. I need to prove those people who rejected me that they were wrong for not believing in me... and to show those people that I can do something for my self, that I'm not just weak and useless... I can do it, time for me to believe in my self.
I know failure is still possible, but it's better to give it a try than doing nothing at all... maybe there are other things  that are truly meant for me, but for now, I must go on... I must seek for a greener pasture...
For my family, especially my parents, you are the reason why I want to keep my self strong, I want to make you proud...I want to support you, I want to pay you back though you never asked me to.
For BDA, I'm sorry, maybe someday I will volunteer wholeheartedly, when I have something to contribute....
Yah Allah, please help me... Give me strength, knowledge, wisdom and confidence......

im about to fly....

... finally I got my plane ticket to manila, scheduled flight is on Jan. 17... whoohhh, it would be my first to fly on plane.... I'm excited and nervous....

BAD OMEN?

I don't really believe in superstitious belief but I don't exactly disregard their possibilities of being proved either.

I'm on my way to life's good fate quest, soul searching and seek for a greener pasture. I'm supposed to get my plane ticket today but had it postponed, instead I'll have it tomorrow. But just a while ago, a guitar slid down and broke, I'm not sure if it's my fault, but I feel that I am to blame because I was the only person sitting on the  bench where in the guitar was resting just behind it, no one saw the incident and I don't know what to tell them or if they would believe that it wasn't my fault.

Not only that, two nights ago, I accidentally broke a digital camera, it fell and its lens was twisted, it's no longer functioning. (sigh)

Bottom line here is, are those things happen for a reason or I'm just really clumsy?! I can still remember one day when an elder exclaimed a bad omen when I was about to go school and I hit unintentionally a bottle and got broke, she said it was a bad sign that something not good will gonna happen. I don't remember what happened next or was there really a not so good incident occurred.

Now that I'm about to take a trip, I am just wondering if those occurrences  are trying to warn me of something.. Do you think it would affect my journey to be or I will just say, come what may??? ....

RANDOM EMOTIONS AT AROUND 5 IN THE MORNING

I had this very strange feeling this morning at around 5 I guess. It's so melancholic, really confusing, mixed emotions. I am half dreaming being alone in a gloomy and really cold place, like being refrigerated in an ice land, the place is supposed to be beautiful, I saw snow and an igloo, it's actually what I wish to see sometimes, but right then i don't enjoy the scene. Loneliness seems to embrace me so tight. I fear of something I really can't figure out, it's so uncertain and vague, and it came to the point that I even feared and dreaded life, so morbid I know. I'm sorry. I had run out of courage. I'm only half dreaming but I'm very sure that my mind is conscious and wandering.

It's 5:50 A.M while I'm drafting this, I cannot go back to sleep now, I'm so bothered and anxious....

I hope this feeling will fade away later on, I cling on that thought so I can still face the world virtuously....

My January 1, 2010

My January 1 2010...... started with finding coins in our yard (maybe my lil cousins left it there when they were playing around) early in the morning and at the end of the day, I accidentally broke my mom's digital camera....

how's that? my whole year would be what???