NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

These are just maybe’s, I don’t really rely on my resolutions, sad to know that I am so inconsistent in most things, today I will, tomorrow I don’t…

 

1. wouldn’t care if I’ll be rejected
2. Be confident and independent
3. become more optimistic
4. Express what I really feel, yes when yes, no when no!
5. Give people chances, must not judge them in the first encounter
6. Insecurities and bitterness, set aside.
7. Acceptance of inevitable
8. more faith
9. face the world with good outlook
10. meet new people

 

 

But these ten we’ll try… J

VM said that

"you really would not like the feling of having several seconds of silence and freeze ryt after waking up. its like bein afraid of sumthng u wudnt like to come. u come to think, ur mind wanders, ul have second thoughts,... and most importantly u become angry of the circumstance of having to work abroad and away frm wer ...u love to stay! CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME THE POWER TO FREEZE TIME!?"

VM, my friend in facebook and a college batch mate posted this on Facebook, I want to tell him why work abroad when he feels that way??? but since we're not that close, i did not say anything on his page..
Actually his line makes me feel confuse now, beacuse I am thinking of exploring, and might work in far away place too... (lol?)

last day of 2009

"goodmorning world.... seize the day! last day of 2009........"

that I posted to my facebook account just this morning....and I wonder if I "Carpe Diem" today...
wala lng, just to make a post in the end of 2009!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

just a flashback

I condemned what had happened to Maguindanao Massacre, and it reminds me of this one critical, almost suicidal trip from Davao City to Cotabato City, September 2009. We’ve been hearing anomalies and killing incidents in the area of Maguindanao, specifically the area in the south. Though I haven’t seen any concrete evidence but I’ve heard enough about the place, I know those are not just gossips, not hearsay, the issue won’t come out without bases.

 

With my parents and my brother whose our driver that time, and my uncle who rode with us, we had a trip home. It’s past 3 pm when we left Davao City, our route is Davao City passing north Cotabato to Cotabato City proper, the usual and nearer path. When we were about to reach Makilala, we received a text from home informing us that flash flood again hit the part of the highway of our original route, so we wont be able to cross. There’s no turning back, we need to get back home that day, so without hesitation, Ayah declared to pass the other way, we took the unfamiliar road from Makilala. The first place we passed by was so peaceful, but the silence gave me strange feeling, no electricity in the area, it’s seems that we were the only traveler at that moment.

 

 After almost an hour, we saw lights in the other side of the road, there were finally vehicles from afar, and we met in the cross road of Datu Paglas. Then we get through Buluan and see a lil crowd and establishments in Tacurong City, we stopped in a Gasoline Station, that’s past 6pm..

 

then here we ago again, back to the trip… it’s again total darkness when we reached the other places in Maguindanao, very few street lights, some part none at all.. Surely we passed the controversial junction going to the area of the massacre. Between 7 and 8pm, I resemble the place into a ghost town, no human beings roam around, no other traveler, but a tractor-- reminds me of the backhoe. We also encounter checkpoints, luckily they didn’t stop us, oh, yes, we were stopped once, if I were not mistaken, those were CAFGU's  detachment. The inspector didn’t say a word, just watched us with his flashlight… then we move on…

 

Thank God... We reached home safe at 9pm… well, just a flashback!

I HAVE THE BEST PARENTS IN THE WORLD

I have the best parents in the world, but unfortunately they don’t have the best children in the world. The angst I’m feeling right now is brought to me by the situation I just witnessed a while ago. Our eldest brother was sort of blaming my mother for his misfortune and of our other brother (they two actually haven’t finished their schooling, and not going to school is absolutely their choice).  It’s not fair to blame our parents for that, I’m in the deepest mode of anxiety too… and I don’t blame them, of course they’re not perfect but they are still the best, I wont exchange them to other people. If given a chance to return the time and choose parents, I will still choose them… I despised my self for making them feel sometimes that they contribute to my failure, I can’t help it sometimes…. Especially when I have no one to blame… but right now, I’m in a condition where I’m in a state of declaring what is really inside me…. And that’s I truly love my parents, that I’m going to offer my life to them… that I live because of them and live for them… I pray to God that I’m going to be successful so I could dedicate it to them. They don’t deserve this, they are good but being paid with discouragement from their own children. I feel very sorry that I cant even make them proud of me.

MY EXISTENCE

I’ve been hearing so many reasons why life should be appreciated, life is beautiful. But I’m still on the trudge searching for these reasons. I can see these people enjoying life because they have reasons to. This is my quest to my life’s meaning and I know very well that I have long way to run. I don’t want to end up not knowing the purpose of my existence. I want to know why life is beautiful or if it’s only to chosen ones. I want to do what I really I want to do, I want to gain more confidence. I want to serve my family. I want to know many more things and I hope it’s not too late... Yes I agree that happiness is all in the mind, but my mind is not that absurd and numb. No matter how I tried to eradicate naysayer attitude, it still comes after me  but swear I try to go against it. Well, I sound morbidly hopeful right now, yes right now, let’s give emphasis to that, maybe melancholic for now but tomorrow I wont. As I said, I don’t want my life just end that way, I need reasons, I must receive what is due to me and behind the obvious truth of this life’s not fair play, I won’t stop believing or at least seek for every purpose……

WHY YOU SHOULD GO OUT OF YOUR SHELL ASH?

You want to know the purpose of your existence right? Why don’t you go out of your shell.. try getting away,  your fate must be in other place.. see? Your about to rot here.. this is the right opportunity, your family is supporting you.. you wont grow up in here… and everything will happen if it is destined to, whether you’re  here or out there.. and now, you might be  confused whether life is a matter of choice or fate…treat it equally but don’t take it too seriously, you might end up confused all over again…

 

Hey, your batchmates might earning a lot of money now, Marnelli in Los Angeles, Ermelyn almost circumscribed the Earth, you’re friends and classmates in UAE who are nurses now, and the girl, a civil engineer too in Dubai… and everyone else… now, what do you want to do, just wait for your deterioration?

 

 

Go, spread your wings and soar, don’t let your wings just fade in oblivion, you can do it, just trust your self.. if they can do it, you can to…

 

I saw the starry and the blue and made me wonder where you are, are you looking down at me too? So, I sent a message to the

If there’s one thing that’s missing in your self, what would that be and why?

There are lot of things that are missing in me, career, lovelife, wealth and so much more.. but if I’ll be ask for only one, I would rather answer, it’s self confidence… this is the root of many misfortunes in my life.. I cant get a good job because I am not confident, I don’t deal with other people because I don’t want to be rejected.. I don’t take risks because I don’t trust my self…there were times opportunities knock on my door, but due to my uncertainties and hesitating actions, I refused that offers. It took me hundred of years before I came up into a decision, and when I did, still doubtful. I don’t know, if I will ever change, I wanted to but again, I’m not confident to make that change and it’s being so late not…

MAYBE IT’S WHERE I DON’T BELONG

Just heard from my relative whom I favored to monitor the status of my application in Davao City Hall, the Building Inspector position for the City Engineer’s office interview schedule has just been closed. I had wait for it for a long time, even quitted my previous job to give focus on it. I even looked so desperate every time I went to the City Hall to check on it, but after how many months, I got home and asked this relative of mine to call or visit their office to check for new postings. Well, I don’t have to detail why I missed it, I can’t put all the blame on her. Maybe I really don’t belong there

If there’s one thing that’s missing in your self, what would that be and why?

There are lot of things that are missing in me, career, lovelife, wealth and so much more.. but if I’ll be ask for only one, I would rather answer, it’s self confidence… this is the root of many misfortunes in my life.. I cant get a good job because I am not confident, I don’t deal with other people because I don’t want to be rejected.. I don’t take risks because I don’t trust my self…there were times opportunities knock on my door, but due to my uncertainties and hesitating actions, I refused that offers. It took me hundred of years before I came up into a decision, and when I did, still doubtful. I don’t know, if I will ever change, I wanted to but again, I’m not confident to make that change and it’s being so late not…

Biggest Regret

Yes, “lahat ng pagsisisi ay nasa huli”, and I have lots of these regret things. But this one I’ll tell you might change if I’m going to find a job now, but I’m about to rot here. Everybody says that, since I am a civil engineer, it would be easy for me to find a job…. Whose about to spoil everything here?  It’s me, your very own civil engineer here.

 

So that’s my regret now, actually in college days, I’ve been so uncertain with my course, hannga’t nakagraduate na lang ako, confused pa rin. I don’t know which course I will shift to, kaya kahit meron akong doubt, I finished  civil engineering and even pass the board exam. And everybody is almost put me in the pedestal, upon saying.. “wow, galing naman!”, well, thank you, pero hanggang dun na lang pala yun.. kung ditto land din ako sa hometown ko, then better not expect a job here.. especially, civil engineering works are mostly for men, I just hope that school administrators would create a new curriculum implying that engineering are for men only. I feel disgusted if nag-iinquire ako ng job offering then I’ll be answered, “for male only”, kainis lang. So that’s it, if only I could turn back time, sana higgschool pa ako at wide pag-iisip ko regarding sa future.. Maybe, nursing na lang ako.. the big chance for me to abroad. I know, takot ako sa dugo, but maybe I had overcome it. Sana marami na akong saving ngayon.. Unlike now, I’m so broke…

 

Well, I’m still hoping na magbago kapalaran ko.. Na civil engineering is really meant for me.

for aya

I'm sorry if i was not able to make you happy and proud despite the support and guidance you gave me. I'm sorry for not obeying you sometimes, i guess selflessness is really hard to do. I know there are things you want me to do because it is supposed to be the right one... but there are other things i want to do...

but this i promise you that no matter what happen, i will always consider what you have said and thought me. that someday in my own way, i will repay you.. that i swear to  you, i will make you proud, maybe not now, but i will do my very best to be someone you can be proud of.. i may not do exactly want you want me to be, but i will never do things that I know not appropriate.

youre the BEST FATHER... and feel bad that i cannot give back what you deserve.. maybe not now, but i will do my very best to become a better person. In every step I take, you're always part of me... My success in life, to you I offer... you are the reason why I keep on breathing..

I pray to Allah your health and security.I'll pray to Him to give us more time together, I want you to witness future happening in my life..

Thank you for everything and no one can ever take you're place. you and umi are the best parents in the whole wide world.

what's in my blog

My blogs are not meant to brag, I don’t need publicity or fame. But if anyone would happen to read it and appreciate it, then I’ll be delighted. Well, why do I love writing? It’s my form of expression.. it’s my deepest thoughts and emotions that remain cloaked, my untold wonderings, my concealed complains, my impossible dreams, my wishes upon a star under a dark and cloudy night, my fictional imaginings, my rumblings about my sea of failures as well as my letters to my soulmate and prince charming.

When I was in elementary, I started writing stories in a piece of paper, most of it are truly fictional, I don’t know, maybe I was addicted to fairy tales. Some of my classmates would read it, I thought then I’m going to become a writer. Well, that adds to my list of frustrations. I wish I have save some of those childhood scripts.

In high school, I tried doing poetry. And at the same time, I was the only reader as well but later on, I let my chosen and few friends read it. Now, I still have them. I just laugh at myself whenever I read funny and stupid thoughts I had written, well, nice try.. I know, I’m not good.

Then at college, I get tired of rhyming words. I had my journals, diaries if you’ll consider it. Eighty percent of my write ups are about frustrations and sad thoughts. I became morbid and vain a little.. I found topics at those sorts easy to write…that I want to change.

And at this very moment, I’m still doing such. Ain’t it obvious?

An Example of Corruption in it’s Simplest Way

My brother was shot by our city mayor’s son. Actually they had a rumble, and since this other guy is a politician’s son, he’s very much aggressive and confident in pointing the gun to my brother as if he was doing the right thing, this big headed guy is also known for his immature and futile doings. Well, the rest is history.

 

We intend to blotter the incident though at the side of our minds, justice in this place is quite impossible knowing the involved is the son of our town head. But early in the morning, policemen and the right hand of our mayor went to the hospital, also at home. Their asking for an amicable settlement, not bad, so at least they recognized what did happen. So yes, some of them are policemen, so what’s the use of this blotter thing. They said, do the possible and maximum medical treatment for my brother. They will shoulder the hospitalization. He was actually shot below the knee, and a nerve was damaged. An operation has been done.

 

Oh, I’m getting too far from my title. So, that’s it. During the confinement of my brother in the hospital, we received a total amount of thirty four thousand from them. Then the final bill reached about one hundred and ten thousand pesos.

 

So what’s this corruption thing does about this? We have no against the thought of the mayor that what he can give is only ninety thousand pesos, he said he’s son was not the only person joined the rumble, as a matter of fact, he was also hurt. Well yes, okay fine. But all through out the negotiation, the mayor never faced us, just his administrator. I don’t know if this administrator can be trusted and relaying the exact messages. And upon receiving the said ninety thousand pesos, my mom did not count the money as soon as she reached home….. And it was only eighty eight thousand pesos….

the old man i saw in the pharmacy

 

Yesterday, as I was buying the medicine my brother needed, I saw this old man asking for the price of Optein, it’s a sort of supplementary medicine for eyes. I saw the frustration in his face when he heard the price, around thirty pesos I guess, and with that amount, he was already dismayed. With his expression, I saw poverty, that it would be hard for him to afford it. Then he left the pharmacy. I pity him and realized that I should be thankful with my status of life. I suddenly felt angst to this men whose wasting a lot of money for no cause especially those corrupt people. I wonder why these other people still unsatisfied with their richness and wealth when scarcity is on the other side of the world,there are poor men living in a slum, also those unfortunate beings who would just wait for their sick loved ones pass away, these beggars and paupers sleeping in the streets and other form of scarcity. To those who have ability to help, do something.

 

survivor???

I lost the appetite watching Survivor Palau, the merge portion…. So Marvin was out?? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Marvin Fanatic but I admit he’s really doing a good job, I bet surviving in an isolated island would be possible for him…

The game goes this way, the participants would create an alliances and vote out their great competitor, yes I know very well that it’s a competition and not a friendship game or whatever, why would you let your big opponent outsmarted you, kick him out first before he’ll take that huge chance away from you.. This is also the scenario in the original version of Survivor…. It’s about alliances and desertion. 

But for those who watch the reality show (well I doubt if it’s not scripted),, we found it as not a fair play, it’s really not… if that’s the case then be a clever monkey first, your strength, speed, endurance and intelligence, which you really need to survive in an remote area, are not enough to win the game.

Well, to this deserving participant, your only chance to stay and prove yourself is to win the immunity necklace, or else you’re dead!

bad morning

8.22am and my day is ruined! I know I'm not good in housekeeping, yes maybe I'm not used to it or im just the laziest person in the whole wide world... was it laziness or am just not enjoying it..? there you go, i'm sure you will tell me that it doesn't matter whether youre enjoying it or not, if it's the right thing to do, then have it accomplished! okay fine! that's why I'm trying and I have no choice since we dont have a maid anymore and I am the only female here at home aside from my mom, so traditionally, damn household chores is my task! but for a person like me, would you expect a perfect work?! i dont ask for an appreciation coz i know well that I dont deserve it.... but my effort?? cant it be at least recognize a little? that i wasn't that useless?.... o, am I not useless?? i dont know, maybe my existence is to give the word useless a meaning...and anyway, Im no longer a civil engineer but a janitor... haha.. yes, todays janitors must attend school for about six years and pay tuition fees too..... take it from me.... and I cant even be the best janitor in town...

i noticed that writing an article is easy when the subject is disgusting!!!!

DELUBYO

           Kim Atienza’s show  Matanglawin featuring “Delubyo” showed how natural calamities can be so disastrous and terrifying. By this wrath of nature, your place might be eradicated in just split of seconds. Are you not afraid? Earthquake, tsunamis, flash floods, volcanic eruptions, landslides, hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes and other catastrophe. Thousands die, your life seems useless, you can’t run, you can’t hide, you can never escape from this rage.

            Recently, Philippines is experiencing flashfloods and landslides due to the unstoppable storms and typhoons. Hundreds of lives were also washed away, billions worth of asset were also damaged and stamped out. If I’m not mistaken, Philippines is the most disastrous prone country in the world. So alarming, the pearl of the Orient seas might be eliminated in the world map… that’s not impossible, Global warming is on its way…

            So, what now?  Are we just let this thing happen without doing anything? I know we can’t stop it… but in this natural world, we are the only rational being……. I hope you know what I mean.

the adopted kitten and the mouse

my father found this poor kitty stuck in our shop, filled with mud... a survivor of the devastating flood caused by typhoon Ondoy.... we named this little soul ondoy...

the stupid doctor

Now I know why people said, if you want to die, then let the CC Regional Hospital serve you. I’ve been hearing about their poor services and now I proved it true. My brother was shot the other night and was rushed to that hospital by my other brothers. When my mom arrived, there were arguments and whatevers... the doctor in charged sucks! Who this doctor thinks she is... the lousiest doctor I’ve ever known. She kept insisting that my brother was no longer in danger and he can go home.. Damn her! After a little cleaning, x-ray and dressing, my brother still bleeding, and she wants us to go home believing there were no serious injuries and other blah blah blahs... in that condition? She sort of insulting my mom when my mom suggested some medical treatment... for her information, my mother is a midwife and working in a hospital too and my other brother is a nurse, so at least they have medical background too....they're not that ignorant! so fine, we have to leave that cursed hospital. We transferred in a private hospital.. my brother undergone an operation, he’s critical! I pray not... but there’s a nerve damaged.... I want to slap this result to that idiot doctor in  CCRC... now, my brother still under observation, I supposed joining the damaged nerve is still vague if it was successful, there’s also a possibility of infection, worst thing would happen is to cut off his leg… hope not..

 

Back to the stupid doctor who first treated my brother, it’s really sad to know such person exists. Poor and unfortunate people serve by her would just watch their patient die.. somebody teach this doctor some manners and maybe go back to school again…

 

starting to despise my profession

 

I’m starting to hate my profession… it’s making me feel the regret again… during college days, I used to doubt the course I chose, it’s as if it doesn’t suits me. I can still remember myself uttering that it wasn’t the right choice. But because I have no other option, I didn’t take risk to jump into another course until one day I found my self marching on the graduation day. One of my happiest days and twice the happiness when I passed the board exam. From that moment, I started to appreciate my profession, I became so proud because not everyone was blessed to passed the examination. But just this morning, I felt that my engineering world just shuttered. I inquired in POEA if they have job hiring or any job order for civil engineers, was not even finished asking when suddenly this guy in charged as if slapped me the words.. “civil engineer? Basta babae, walang hiring”, I’ve been aware of thoughts like this from the very start, but I don’t know why his words caused a real big impact to me… I don’t know if it’s the authoritative and affirmative way of declaring it to me or the fixed truth that female civil engineers cant make it?! So if this is the case, they should put up a new curriculum, civil engineering exclusively for men!! After all those years, I’d been to sacrifices and failures, only gone to waste. Darn it! I’m now filled with what if’s and regrets.. I hate the way I’m becoming bitter now, but I’m only trying to relieve my frustration. I still hope that I’ll be performing my profession someday, and I pray that isn’t a false hope.

unjust hiring process

I’m desperate to have a job right now, though it may not really show since my effort is  really not obvious. Can you blame me? Eh I know that this place is unjustly hiring people, kung wala kang backer, then expect your application be rotten or thrown away somewhere. I see these people in different offices here, some kind of an insult to me because alam ko naming mas deserving ako sa kanila.. but  since, no one would help me, so,  must back off. The hiring process here is not about what you can do, not about your skills but about the being connected to those known people in the society, politicians to be specific. And I heard that, meron na ring bumubili ng item… the idea disgusts me..

Okay, so why do I want to work here knowing that ambiguity and anomaly very rampant here? Well, because my family is here. I want to help them though they don’t demand. Gusto kong bilhin yong mga needs and desires ko with my own money, I want to share it with them. I want to treat my mom whatever she wants, I want it now hanggat malakas pa parents ko. But what else can I do, talagang masungit ang fate sa aken. I can say the I’m one of the unlucky people sa mundo. So, if this is the case, I might leave this place. I’m so much fed up with false hopes. I tried my patience pero hanggang kelan. Will I wait for the day that everything would end up to nothing? Will I let the opportunities waiting outside just fade away?... I don’t want to leave but I have to… this place isn’t the right place for me. Sana someday magkaron na ng progress ang lugar na to….

10 fears that not to be feared

1. Lizard, gecko as well

      They are too small to harm you, people often say, but swear, I’m afraid of lizards, as well as gecko. I wonder if gecko sleeps at day time, I only see them sneaking around at night. 

2. Electricity

      I don’t want to be electrocuted. It’s one of the reasons why from ECE, I shifted to CE. I tend to close my eyes every time I plug and unplug appliances... Hate to see the sparks.

           

3. Crossing the street

      I rather take the dirty overpass than cross a very busy street.

4. Riding in a single motor cycle

      It’s as if I will fall... I only ride in it if it will be the only way of transportation. I’ve been hearing motorcycle accidents everyday and everywhere.

5. Dogs

      I was once bitten... I don’t go to my friends place if they have dogs in their house unless they fetch me.

6. Ghost?

      Never seen one. I don’t want to welcome it if there is such.

7. Long travel in a car

      errr.. even the smell of it makes my stomach turns up side down.

8. Elevator

      I don’t get into it if I’m alone. I’m afraid I’ll be trapped

9. Blood

      I almost faint seeing this crazy man almost swimming in his own blood.

     

10. Darkness

            I prefer lights off in sleeping mode as long as I see a small sign

       of light, in total darkness, I cant breath!

DRAG ME TO HELL

Familiar with this movie? And what made me give a thing on this? My brother bought a cd of it and now it’s reminding me how I’d watched the movie in theater there in Davao City. One dull day and I have nothing to do but wait for the four corner of my room to wrap me in total boredom.. I need to go out or else this world-weariness would drown me into insanity or maybe I’m exaggerating it.. So, alone, I decided to have some strolls in the Gaisano Mall. As I entered into the mall, the list of movies greeted me and this DRAG ME TO HELL caught my attention. Of course, I saw the trailer once so I was not impulsive then, I really had the plan to watch it. I bought the ticket and entered the cinema, I forgot the cinema number. That was the second time I treated my self for  a movie in that mall and my first time to enter the cinema number I forgot. As I stepped into the room, I almost stumble, I’m not familiar with the place and the darkness blinded me. I almost jumped when I heard the eerie sound from inside the theatre,  I want to turn my back and get out, I didn’t even reach the seats but there’s no turning back, I wont let my 80 pesos gone to waste. Then suddenly I heard screaming, fighting.. random sounds, fright suddenly leaped into my face… again I hesitated but I didn’t let my fear overpower me.. the scene that welcomed me was the fight between the main character and old woman—the sort of villain. As I tried to make my self feel comfortable with my seat, I realized that I was the only person inside the theater… what!!!... it was unexpected.. but still, I wont runaway… after a while, there are few people entered the cinema, I was relieved…. And finished the movie…

30 ITEMS TO REMINISCE SCHOOL DAYS

Here are the questions I gathered from different surveys I’ve read…

1. At what age you first entered school?

      4, nursery ata yun, advance sana ako, but I stopped nung grade 1

2. Schools?

      MSU-mag, AES, LLCS, NDCFG,MSU-main campus

3. Course?

      My first course was ECE, even tried AE but end up with CE

4. Awards and Honors received?

      8^th honorable mention nung elementary, dean’s lister ng isang semester lang sa college.. ambisyosa ako eh, my nalalaman pang Engineering na Kurso.. mahina naman sa math… hehe

5. Absences and Tardiness?

      Hindi ako magaling jan, I almost got Perfect Attendance Award nung High school.. hehe

6. Highest Grade attained? Which Subject?

      I have three 1.0 grades nung college, History and STS, tapos yung Philosophy-not even part of Engineering curriculum..

7. Favorite food on break time or recess?

      Kahit ano. Unang recess ko 1^st year highschool –chiz it and coke.

8. Fights?

      I’m friendly.. hehe.. my nakaaway pero di naman brutal.

9. Cries?

      I cried a lot during my elementary days and overcome it high school

10. Do you cheat?

      Di masyado, ayoko ngang mablack listed.. hehe.. I did cheat, pag halos lahat na nagkokopyahan…

11. Did you ever failed in any subjects?

      Not only once but many times.. di naman pabaya.. sadya lang ayaw saken nung mga subjects na yun.

12. Did you cause trouble to the extent your parents being called?

      Never

13. Embarrassing moments?

      Dami..

14. Crush?

      Crushes kamo…

15. Who is enrolling you?

      Nung college lang ako natotong ienrol sarili ko.

16. Do you participate in an oral recitation?

      Pag tinatawag lang.

17. Do you lead a group?

      No way… pag wala ng choice

18. Are you once a class officer?

      Never.. if being nominated, I always object.. pero bihira lng naman din akong nominated..

19. Did your tried cutting classes?

      Nope

20. What do you if you feel sleepy in the class?

      Candies..

ambush questions II

10 AMBUSH QUESTIONS (Today's Diary)                        10:10am sept11,09

 

1. What food did you intake today?                                     

            I’m having a fasting, the last foods I ate is about 6 hours ago.. rice, corned beed, squid, sliced bread... that’s it, my apetite is very low when eating 3 o clock in the morning... all I wanted to do then is to finish my food and go back to sleep.. and now, I’m a bit hungry and have to wait for 6pm...

 

2. What's on your purse?                                            

            So tired to count the money I have in it.. all I know is, there are hundred bills, fifty, twenty.... and coins... then the ballpen Engr. Fudalan gave me when he came back to office from Singapore, my father’s atm card and the withdrwal receipts.. why do I have it?? Secret..lol!

 

3. In your wallet?                                           

            Same old things.. (my answers during the previous interview).. only that, I have in it my voter’s id.. and only 300 peso bill (poor!)... and a cotton bud.. hahaha.. I dont what made it there..

 

4. Did you hate a person today?

            Nah...

 

5. Did you read anything today?          

            The book of Dale Carnegie.. and the postings and replies in my fb account.

 

6. What are you wearing right now?

            An Orange shirt and a green shorts—actually it’s the girl scout short of my sister.. haha.. I’m not going anywhere, I’l just stay home...

 

7. What sounds you hear right now?

            Very silent here at home now.. I can hear only the sound of the aquarium.. the tube for oxygen (What dyu call that?), then the roosters outside, chirping birds....... the sound of vehicles passing by...

           

 

8. How does the sky looked like now?

            Gloomy? .. it’s actually a fine day..not so hot, best for strolling...

 

9. What's the craziest thing you did today?

            I did nothing nothing crazy today... well, too early to say that.. that’s as of 10:40am.

 

10. What's that thing you wish to do right now??

            Have a big time and enjoying job in dubai

dubai

 

After watching the short presentation of how Dubai is becoming really progressive nowadays, centre of building boom, I was really amazed.. my eagerness of going in there increased!.. I cant wait to go there.. I saw the pictures on how arid and dull the place was way back 1991...very few structures.. and after 12 years, buildings started to boom just like sprouting mushrooms everywhere and unexpectedly… and currently, it is becoming more blooming.. The DUBAI WATERFRONT is really great and this PALM TREE ARTIFICIAL ISLAND is really astonishing. Villas, luxury hotels, theatres and other form of buildings are designed to establish there upon its completion! Wish I was there to be part of the construction.. Surely, it had been made me appreciate more my profession..  The WORLD ISLANDS really cool.. and nothing to beat the only 7 star hotel in the world, the BURJ AL-ARAB.. a night stay there would be a lifetime treasured memory, hope so.. And it’s almost beyond belief, the world’s first underwater hotel, the HYDROPOLIS…  I wish I really can go to that place and visit DUBAILAND, Dubai’s Walt Disney with amusement park and sport city too…. Expect that if it would be totally accomplished….By the way, how would it feel swimming in DIERA BEACH and have some strolls in the coast of DUBAI MARINA and watch the high rise buildings there.  No snow in Dubai, but skiing is not impossible because SKI DUBAI is now open… I just wish, I’ll be destined to go to that place.. I must work on it..

when you're not prepared

Sept. 5, 2009

I had this interview a while ago and I’m upset about it.. I want to be impressive but it wasn’t supposed to be the best… Maybe I am only comforting myself in thinking that that institution (it’s a Non Government Organization) wasn’t my field of profession, they need  social workers not a Newly licensed Civil Engineer.. All my life, I have experienced failure, I’m always not involve… I hide my self.. I don’t want to join in any form of organization… I don’t want to lose my self in action… I hate crowd… I hate talking in front of many people….you can rate my self confidence zero.. So what would you expect from me now?? …. Do you think they would hire a person like that?... I was the one who need help I guess… But I don’t want to be helped… I don’t want to owe anybody because I’m afraid they’ll ask for paybacks, wont be able to do them favors…So pathetic.. I know exactly that I am trudging the wrong way…. I want a change now. I wish I could.

Back to that interview, what worst is, my very close friend is one of the interviewing panels… what a shame… It wouldn’t really matter to me if I was being embarrassed in front of many people I don’t know, rather than to those who knew me well… We’ve been to happy and easy going life, and then in just a blink of time…. We are into that situation!! I haven’t answered the questions excellently, nor good… maybe to them, it wasn’t even satisfying… Now I know why we should research on the company or employer background, as well as the position your applying for… I don’t really mind it before… to me, I just need to be myself, but It wasn’t enough… Coz, if you’re ask about their sort of history and functions and you will stammer…. Then don’t doubt.. that will surely happen.. you’re submitting your self in battle without any weapon..

I don’t know why the right thoughts come out when the show is already done.. was it really that way? Or it’s just me whose being really stupid?.. I want to prove myself now, but what if I am really meant to be a loser for the rest of my life? See , that’s already an attitude of a dim person. Then how will I know anyway if I wont give it a try.. Now, I’m debating with my self.. as always, I’ll end up confused.

Anyway, emotional freak, I am becoming here. This is only about that interview.. It was a good interview then.. another experience.. will I be hired? Let’s find out.. anyway, the job wasn’t really I am supposed to be.. But if given a chance, then I might be.. again, lets find that out.

wondering?

wondering?

who do you think would get the trophy when the strongest man that could free himself from any form of captivity is trapped in a cage that is designed no one could ever escape????  well im just wondering........

how would it feel lying in a bed......... a flying  soft bed, down there is a beautiful lake, surrounded by the green forest, you can hear the chirping birds, feel the touch of the cool breeze.............

one day, you'll find a mysterious door... and when you open it..... a different world welcomes you...you'll find out that their long lost princess they've been searching for is nobody but you!... cool

Stranded in an elevator with your favorite star..

When you go around the world for free......... no limitations... sky is the limit... really great!

when do I hate my self

i know i shouldn't be saying this, but I hate my self for many reasons.. I try to conquer it but it seems that the only good part of me is captivated...I always find my self uttering words that are against my will.. I hate my self for hurting the few people I loved.. I hate my self for being insecure... for having no confidence... I hate it when courage is runnning away from me... my being ignorant of many things, I hate the way I approached life.... my idleness! my being impatient!.. i hate it when i dont trust my self....I'm so much feeling guilty of having doubts in my faith.. I cursed my self for saying yes when I really dont want to...  I despise it when I keep on grumbling on things that I can no longer do something  about it... Regrets are normal, but moving on is the key.... but  I dont, I let my failures overpower me.. in the middle of the crowd, I cant stand tall, people swarming around disgusts me.. I dont take risk...my fears are swallowing me... my weaknesses are drowning me... the world hates... anyway, why am I writing this down? I dont know, maybe because I can write more on reason why I loathed my very own self rather than reason why I love it... ofcourse, I hate that too... but that's reality.. I hope one day, I'll be erasing those reasons one by one... I hope someday, I will be able to overcome them... I dream... I wish.... I hope.... I must pray...

what do I live for

My time so wasted, doing nothing, afraid of taking risk, I’m so stuck. 25 long years, still my existence vague to me.. I don’t know what am I still doing here, being a burden to anyone, useless.. I used to think that my family is the only reason I can see for my living….. but if I only cause them these troubles, then I rather disappear.. these miseries, blame on me… I know its all my fault… Maybe that’s my purpose here, to cause pain.. I know, I’m making it complicated… but I just can’t help it… I guess that’s really who I am.. Most of my actions are contradicting to what I really fee… so damn hate it..

10 Situations That Irritate Me

1. When somebody insisted me to do the things I had already refused to….when I say NO, I mean it.
2. When watching a movie and someone who already watched the movie keep on talking about what will happen next.
3. When I am being forced to wear an outfit that I’m not comfortable with.
4. When I’m in the middle of my explanation and I am being interrupted.
5. When I speak and no one would listen….I rarely talk, so why can’t listen just once
6. When I’m in a bad mood and I am being annoyed.
7. When I am unjustly criticized… criticism is fine, just don’t make it vulgar.
8. When somebody outsmarted me in the way that they would act superior as if I know nothing, don’t brag, I might not say a word but I know a thing too.
9. When somebody is being so insensitive, but too much sensitivity too can be so irritating sometime.
10. When I am being approached sarcastically..

TOP3 favorite whatevers

Movies

1. Twilight
2. A Walk to Remember
3. Yesterday’s Children

Korean Movies

1. Windstruck
2. A Moment to remember
3. Sassy Girl

Horror Movies

1.      Shutter (Asian Version)

2.      Drag me to Hell

3.      The Eye

Series

1.      Prison Break

2.      Alias

3.      Ghost Whisperer

Reality Shows

1.      Survivor

2.      America’s Next Top Model

3.      Fear Factor

Anime Series

1.      Slam Dunk

2.      Ghost Fighter

3.      Rave

Fairy Tales

1.      Cinderella

2.      Pinocchio

3.      Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Singer

1.      Jewel

2.      Lene Marlin

3.      Michelle Branch

Band

1.      The Corrs

2.      Cranberries

3.      Beatles

Food Chain

1.      Jollibee

2.      McDonalds

3.      KFC

GREATEST in my life

Achievement:

            I haven’t achieve it yet… but atleast passing the board exam is already an achievement.

 

Goal:

            Reach the stars!! Haha… im only an ordinary person with complicated thoughts, that made it hard for me to reach my goal… in the very first place, I don’t know what really my goal is…. But since this is question to be answered… I just want a stable life, enjoyable job, I don’t know, I just want fulfillment…. And I guess that’s my goal now, to realize that fulfillment.

 

 Dreams:

            I have this greatest dream of circumscribing the world! And that what makes it a dream literally…. Do dreams come true? I hope so..

 

Fear:

            Losing loved ones..

 

Asset:

            My family…

 

Secret:

            No way to tell you!

 

Embarrassment:

            I have so much of it…. Maybe the greatest, the one during graduation day… when I stepped down on the center stage instead at the side…. I can still remember those people yelled at me… haha

 

Worst Moment:

            Our Group report in one of my subjects on my last semester…. It wasn’t only worst but really shameful and disgusting… Do you know the feeling of answering the questions of everyone trial and error, because some of the questions are not supposed to be mine but have to answer it because your group mates wont do a damn thing to help you.. Don’t want to elaborate… must get through it…

 

Regret:

            I used to regret my being an engineering student then… I always thought it wasn’t meant for me… I had worst moments, not even enjoying it… but I have it now… but, don’t get me wrong… knowing that I passed the board exam was one of the best days of my life.

 

Illusion:

            I am CINDERELLA…. Hahaha…

 

Crush:

            Is this category not out of place?… the real one? I have many…. But the greatest WAS Bsfrn J….. haha..

 

Lie:

            I haven’t done the greatest.. I used to be honest… yes!

 

Weakness:

            Decision making!... it took me centuries before I can came into a decision… exaggerated though but I think not only twice nor thrice but ten times! Haha… I don’t know it, but I guess I only complicate things sometimes.

 

Strength:

            Do I have it? I’ll think of it…. Tell you later… I’m having a hard time to determine what my greatest strength is.